Posted: Thu Apr 24, 2008 3:22 am Post subject: Re: eye contact
theman wrote:
It might sound silly, but here's one method that many people find helpful.
Pick a few spots on their face. Usually the eyes, nose, and mouth do fine. Cycle your gaze between them.
So start out looking at their eyes, give it 3 seconds, then move to their mouth, 3 seconds, then to the bridge of their nose, 3 seconds, right eye, 3, mouth, 3, left eye, 3, etc.
Jumble it up so you're not just going in a circle, and every couple cycles or so look down or to the side for 3. Also, it doesn't have to be 3 seconds. Once you get comfortable you can do more or less time on any one spot. You can practice in front of a mirror.
I use to feel extremely uncomfortable looking people in the eyes, and I still do in a certain way.
But recently I have found out that loking people in the eyes makes most of them as unconfrotable as me or even more, because I know I am like that because of the APD.
So what do I do now? I look people in the eyes and try to maintain contact until the other person looks away, surprisingly I discovered that the other person often breaks contact before me and that makes me feel more secure.
Knowing that there was a reason for me to do certain things (APD) as helped me to start doing the oposite, its still small stuff but its a start.
I find eye contact awkward - I always feel as though I'm either staring and making people feel uncomfortable, or looking away and appearing uninterested and rude. It's so hard to find the right balance of looking at/away from people.
Also, I get paranoid about my facial expressions - am I glaring at them, smiling too much, looking snooty and bored?! I sometimes wish there was a mirror behind the person I'm talking to so that I could check how I'm coming across! Vain? No, just paranoid...
_________________ When you're strange
Faces come out of the rain
When you're strange
No one remembers your name
Joined: Oct 08, 2005 Posts: 128 Location: Lincolnshire, UK
Posted: Mon Jun 02, 2008 6:53 pm Post subject:
Argamemnon wrote:
I sometimes notice that people are intimidated and annoyed when I look them in the eyes. It's because I'm so incredibly anxious, I just can't look 'normal'. As the OP said, I probably look aggressive.
Hi Argamemnon. That's exactly, exactly the way I feel about my gaze too. It's a catch 22, because I want to engage people but at the same time don't want to freak them out so I tend to avoid people's gazes but get frustrated by my inability to look at somebody in a calm, centered way.
Joined: Oct 08, 2005 Posts: 128 Location: Lincolnshire, UK
Posted: Mon Jun 02, 2008 6:55 pm Post subject:
princess_haru wrote:
I find eye contact awkward - I always feel as though I'm either staring and making people feel uncomfortable, or looking away and appearing uninterested and rude. It's so hard to find the right balance of looking at/away from people.
Also, I get paranoid about my facial expressions - am I glaring at them, smiling too much, looking snooty and bored?! I sometimes wish there was a mirror behind the person I'm talking to so that I could check how I'm coming across! Vain? No, just paranoid...
Princess_haru - nice user name by the way! I know exactly where you are coming from. It begins to feel unatural as we over analyse where, when and how we should make eye contact - it should be spontaneous to us but alas it is not!
Joined: Oct 08, 2005 Posts: 128 Location: Lincolnshire, UK
Posted: Mon Jun 02, 2008 6:56 pm Post subject: Re: Great difficulties with non-verbal eye contact
Argamemnon wrote:
Lea wrote:
I also don´t think shynes can be overcome by "exposure"
Exposure might not help people overcome this illness, but living in isolation is even worse, is it not?
Exposure certainly hasn't helped me at all. If anything, going over and over this problem has made matters worse and I just cannot escape from this way of thinking no matter how hard I try. I am a prisoner of myself.
Joined: Oct 08, 2005 Posts: 128 Location: Lincolnshire, UK
Posted: Mon Jun 02, 2008 6:59 pm Post subject: Re: eye contact
theman wrote:
It might sound silly, but here's one method that many people find helpful.
Pick a few spots on their face. Usually the eyes, nose, and mouth do fine. Cycle your gaze between them.
So start out looking at their eyes, give it 3 seconds, then move to their mouth, 3 seconds, then to the bridge of their nose, 3 seconds, right eye, 3, mouth, 3, left eye, 3, etc.
Jumble it up so you're not just going in a circle, and every couple cycles or so look down or to the side for 3. Also, it doesn't have to be 3 seconds. Once you get comfortable you can do more or less time on any one spot. You can practice in front of a mirror.
Hi theman. Sound like a great idea to me but it is just trying to overcome the phobia of looking into somebodys eyes that I have. I will try and give it a go, thanks for your advice.
Joined: Oct 08, 2005 Posts: 128 Location: Lincolnshire, UK
Posted: Wed Jun 18, 2008 6:53 am Post subject:
Argamemnon wrote:
I sometimes notice that people are intimidated and annoyed when I look them in the eyes. It's because I'm so incredibly anxious, I just can't look 'normal'. As the OP said, I probably look aggressive.
Yes, I also find that is the case with me. It seems that I am glaring when in actual fact it is just the intensity inside me that is mistaken for agressiveness.
Joined: Oct 08, 2005 Posts: 128 Location: Lincolnshire, UK
Posted: Wed Jun 18, 2008 6:56 am Post subject:
va_boy wrote:
Honestly, lately I've found that if you don't worry about stuff like that so much you do good with it.
But this is not a case of worrying, it's more like an addictive thinking pattern that is impossible (or virtually) to break. Believe me, if I could start not worrying I would!
Joined: Oct 08, 2005 Posts: 128 Location: Lincolnshire, UK
Posted: Wed Jun 18, 2008 6:57 am Post subject: Re: eye contact
theman wrote:
It might sound silly, but here's one method that many people find helpful.
Pick a few spots on their face. Usually the eyes, nose, and mouth do fine. Cycle your gaze between them.
So start out looking at their eyes, give it 3 seconds, then move to their mouth, 3 seconds, then to the bridge of their nose, 3 seconds, right eye, 3, mouth, 3, left eye, 3, etc.
Jumble it up so you're not just going in a circle, and every couple cycles or so look down or to the side for 3. Also, it doesn't have to be 3 seconds. Once you get comfortable you can do more or less time on any one spot. You can practice in front of a mirror.
Hi. Sounds like excellent advice to me. Thanks very much I will try this out.
You cannot post new topics in this forum You cannot reply to topics in this forum You cannot edit your posts in this forum You cannot delete your posts in this forum You cannot vote in polls in this forum
81 guests
20 members
Forum FAQ
Search
Profile
Private messages
Log in
I know exactly where you are coming from. It begins to feel unatural as we over analyse where, when and how we should make eye contact - it should be spontaneous to us but alas it is not!