That feeling of failure

ljwwriter · Intermediate User Joined: Oct 31, 2007 Posts: 197

I just started a new job a couple of days ago and I can already tell that it's not for me. It's just too stressful. It's direct customer service over the phone for hours on end. I mean about 8 hours straight of people calling, and, calling, and calling, and then some of the same people who's voices you can't even understand calling back.

And then there are the people who like to cuss you out. And then there's all this information you have to key in very quickly so that you can be ready to take the next call. All of this while your handful of co-workers speak loudly around you, either to people on the phone or to other co-workers. So loudly in fact that you can't even hear yourself think, led alone speaking to whoever you happen to be on the phone with.

So after just two days I've already decided I can't handle the job. It feels like such a cop out because it is, and I know it. But I think it's best I get away from the chaos before I'm fully submerged in it.
Still, I feel like a complete failure. I do have two other pending jobs right now. One at a movie theater and one delivering products to stores, which pays very well. So at least I'm not at a total loss. Hopefully one of the two will come through.

But I don't think I can handle another day in that cagey call centre, and I was merely in the training process thus far. I hate myself for quitting, but I know I'd hate myself just as much, if not more for staying put. I don't even want to think of what my parents are going to say. It's a nightmare waiting to happen.
And I know I shouldn't leave one job without already having another, but as I said I just can't stand another day in that little room with all of that chaos.

Everything feels like such a mess right now and if it weren't for my medications I'd probably be on the verge of offing myself to be totally honest. Hopefully my parents' reactions won't help push me to that proverbial ledge. At least I haven't given up as far as the other jobs go. I'm striving for those, calling nonstop and having some good luck, actually. But I still feel like a failure in so many ways.

I'm sure many would say I should just tough it out and I may discover something new about myself. But I believe I already have. I've discovered that I have to make my own decisions and stop doing what everyone else thinks is best for me, which is what landed me in this rather doubtful job situation to begin with. Between my sometimes overbearing job coach and my desperate parents I jumped at whatever came my way, which of course just last week had been nothing but a job at a call centre.

In any case, I'm not setting foot in that call centre again. Not unless I'm coming home tonight with clear plans on how to end this nightmare altogether. And I'd rather not go back down that useless, dark road.
Sorry for the rambling. I just needed to say this somewhere and there's nowhere else that people will even remotely understand, I'm sure. Perhaps not even here.

coriander1992 · Posted: Wed May 14, 2008 4:56 pm Post subject:

I don't blame you for not wanting to go into that place again, it sounds awful Sad

I hope you can find a job that's more suitable for you soon!

_________________
Devon x

~ "I find it kinda funny, I find it kinda sad, the dreams in which i'm dying are the best i've ever had" ~

ljwwriter · Intermediate User Joined: Oct 31, 2007 Posts: 197

blonderedhead · Posted: Wed May 14, 2008 7:11 pm Post subject:

oh gosh! I understand. The same EXACT thing literally happened to me last week. I just got my first job selling stuff where you have to go door to door Shocked

! ROFL! And I quit exactly two days laters. I just didn't enjoy it at all. It was absolutely dreadful. I'm sorry about your experience and I DEFINITELY don't think its a cop out. If you were miserable there then thats that. And I think its good that you had the courage to say no, it wasn't for you. I have the same problem because I'm afraid of letting anyone down. And good luck with the pending jobs Wink

I hope you get a call back and that you enjoy it. You'll find something thats right for you.

_________________
"But she's not afraid to die, the people all call her Alaska
Between worlds so the people ask her 'cause it's all in her mind"

ljwwriter · Intermediate User Joined: Oct 31, 2007 Posts: 197

blonderedhead · Posted: Wed May 14, 2008 7:34 pm Post subject:

Awwww! You're very welcome. My mom is the same way and my dad, thats just a whole nother thing in itself! I'm sorry your parents aren't more supportive Sad

. Don't go drive into a lake somewhere! You are absolutely NOT a lost cause! This is just a small obstacle for now. You WILL find something. I swear it!

_________________
"But she's not afraid to die, the people all call her Alaska
Between worlds so the people ask her 'cause it's all in her mind"

dan_e · Newbie User Joined: Apr 14, 2008 Posts: 94

ljwwriter · Intermediate User Joined: Oct 31, 2007 Posts: 197

Thank goodness I have you guys. I've fallen apart. Earlier today my Dad became extremely irrate over me quitting the call centre job and even grabbed me by the throat. Fortunately he held himself back physically, but he kicked me out of the house.
I'm quite certain that if it weren't for my friend Jordan I'd be dead or dying by now. I had a plan all worked out: After the horrible clash between my Dad and I, which was really just him yelling at me about how he had expected me to quit, I drove to the store and sat in the parking lot for a while. I emptied all my anti-depressants and anti-anxiety meds into a baggy, planning to take them all at once later. There were probably over 40 pills of various types and doses. Then I drove to the library and stayed there for over an hour writing a goodbye letter to my family. I was going to put it in our mailbox and then go find an empty parking lot for the night and take the pills and wait to fall asleep. But I decided to stop at my friend's house just to talk. It was after I got out of the car that I realized, having had so much on my mind, that I had locked my key in the car and couldn't get back in. So here I am now at my friend's house where I probably need to be. It's like an intervention by fate or something. I'm sure if it weren't for her I'd be gone by now and no one would know until they found me in my car in the morning. I was so prepared for it. Now I don't know.

I gave my mother her birthday card which I added some special touches to before I left today because I wasn't too sure I'd see her again. I told her I might not get another chance to give her the card, but I doubt she understood precisely what I meant. I'm not sure what's going to happen now. The letter and the pills are still sitting on the passenger side of my car in rather plain view. I'll have to get a spare key and make sure my family doesn't see the baggy or the letter. At least not now.

Caseums21 · Intermediate User Joined: Jan 06, 2008 Posts: 115

I'm so glad that you got locked out of your car. Suicide is so hard on family and friends. Your dad is just frustrated because he doesn't understand what you are going through. Try to sit down and talk with him if you haven't already. My Uncle killed himself 8 years ago and I still cry all the time over it.

I don't want to talk to you about my life. What I'm saying is, suicide has a very deep impact for many years. People blame themselves for the death of others. I'm not saying your life isn't hard but I'm sure things could be worse. You seem very intelligent. There are other ways to get through this. Try therapy or anything else that you may think help.

Please don't do anything that can hurt yourself or worse. You'll find a job you'll like. It just takes time. I really wish the best for you, hun. You can message me at anytime if you need to vent.

ljwwriter · Intermediate User Joined: Oct 31, 2007 Posts: 197