I hate everyone that I live with, even though they're the only ones who "care" about me. They know I have SA but they always want me to do shit that I'm not comfortable doing. I guess thats what family life is though for us social phobes.
For example:
My brother volunteered me to work in Massachusetts in two weeks (I live in PA I'm not a good traveler).
People are always invited over even though everytime anybody other than my immediate family steps into the house I shut myself in my bedroom.
Most of the time when I'm shut in my bedroom somebody tried to get me to come out, but I am so frustrated at that point that I just snap at them and say go away or something to that degree.
I find it hard to exercise, as I would love to have some alone time in my house to do it, but somebody is always here and if I begin whoever it is would interrupt and say "what the hell are you doing?" even though its obvious that I'm trying to lose some weight.
I hate how people ask me questions they already know the answer to.
I can't stand it when people call or come to my house looking for me because I'm so fed up with the outside world that nothing can make me enjoy time with these people. (its come to the point where nobody really comes lokoing for me anymore because they know whaqt the outcome will be, and I don't know if this makes me happy or sad).
I'm studying to get a medical trancription job even though I know that it's going to make my SA worse because I won't have to leave the house hardly at all...
Joined: Dec 11, 2006 Posts: 377 Location: Birmingham, England
Posted: Tue Jul 10, 2007 10:35 pm Post subject:
I'm so pathetic!
I've been sat at this computer for an hour and a half now, because I don't want to move away from it.. Let me explain...
I bought some new clothes, which I'm wearing for the first time today... But my mum wants me to walk up and down like an idiot so she can "look at them properly."
Only, I hate being centre of attention like that, so I refused, (Which resulted in her moaning at me for being "Abnormal and selfish.") and I feel I can't move away from here, even though my back is hurting me a lot now, because then she'll look at me when I stand up, and comment. I don't want comments...
I'd already been at the computer for two and a half hours prior to that... It's just been an hour and a half since she asked me to stand up and walk around...
So, now, I'm in pain, but I'm feeling too self-conscious to move. And that is making me feel so pathetic!
I hate being me!
_________________ The blazing beauty of a tree
The magnificent calm of the sky
Our treasures...
I just hate how I try to avoid people I see around that I know from school. I probably stand out more trying to pretend I didn't see them. Why can't I just say 'hi' and move on!? What the hell is wrong with me!? I often question my own sanity...
I'm not popular
People think I'm invisible
Every1 who I thought liked me turns me away
people exclude me
my life is a mess
my parents are both threatening 2 leave which will leave me by myself
years of people pickin up on me make me depressed and vulnerable. I dont want to talk to anyone because - i have no interest in anything no more(Till the age 23 i was interested in everything, this is killing me..i cant focus on anything)
It is craze that i regret my previous hermit-house bond life (i had at least some interests and can focus at home). When i actually began to go out i found out that everything is the same (people concerning). So i had good reasons to lock myself up back in those days?!.
Is life a reflection of my thoughts? Is it an illusion?
My self esteem is totaly in deep minus, dont know what do...
I have to go to the dentist but i always run away from the office , i feel panick and claustrophobic.
I cant make any appointment, any deal
If i arrange any kind of meeting i m totaly paralysed and scared. Thatswhy i avoid every kind of it.
By the end of this year i surely will be jobless, i dont achieve any goal on my workplace , which doesnt inquire much of social interarction..
Recent situations in my life are showing the signs that i will be more and more worse, i m begining to feel traumatised, i have abdominal spasms, i feel catotonic.. Dont know what doctor could i address for being such a loser. I also become superstitios (which for me is a sign of paranoia). i think if i share this misery with someone(Mostly with you here, becuse i m learned by life that people are scumm in my real life-i have no real friends, family, etc) , that i will have less luck , that i will loose those tiny bits of my life that are remaining. This is superstition, Doctors would probably said ocd. I cant go on like this, i have no energy, all my life i m trying to be positive and it is going worse. This inner battle drained my whole energy , forcing myself to be positive when obviously theres nothing positive around (M i repeating?)
Joined: Aug 17, 2007 Posts: 1015 Location: Wales, UK
Posted: Mon Sep 10, 2007 6:08 pm Post subject:
I'm chronicly lonely.
I can't talk to girls.
I feel I have no hope for the future.
I have no one close in my life apart from my parents, sister and grandmother and I even have trouble talking to them at times.
Never had a girlfriend because I feel like girls find me boring and ugly.
I really don't know where to start. I know the beginning, right? Yeah I have no idea where that is.
I've always been shy, but I think it's getting worse. When I was like 4 or so I'd run behind my mom when people tried to talk to me. When I was 12 my dad got sent to jail and I felt like I had to grow up then. I had just switched schools (junior high) I couldn't handle the transition and got put in a private school. I did well there for about a year then withdrew again. I wanted to be home schooled, no one would allow it, anyway I ended up dropping out of high school my 12th grade year because of social phobia which makes me feel like a bigger loser. I feel like I should have been able to push myself. But in 11th grade I had been put into the court system for truancy so when I turned 18 I wanted to drop out. Besides having social phobia I have a number of other things wrong with me polycystic ovarian syndrome (PCOS), fibromyalgia, bulging disks in my back, migraines, high blood pressure, the list goes on. I can't even remember most of it myself because I decided about a year ago I wanted to quit all of my meds so I did just that and quit going to the doctor. Well my body wouldn't stop hurting (fibromyaglia) so I decided to go back to my rheumatologist. He suggested I go back to therapy but I've never really been able to open up to them. I've always found it hard to open up to people even my family but when I'm willing to talk they don't listen. It makes me sick. It's like no one cares or they don't believe me. I used to get called crazy all of the time and at one time I started to believe it. I'm glad I found this forum because even though I'm new I know there are people out there who can relate to me. I don't know how I'm ever going to survive in life seriously. I have no real goals, I don't even know how to make a goal. The only thing I've ever dreamt of having is a family of my own but I have no idea how that's going to happen when I can't bring myself to leave the house most days. Okay I hope that wasn't too much and I also hope none of you think less of me.
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