Posted: Mon Nov 13, 2006 12:40 am Post subject: A little problem :(
Hi,
I really appreciate sites like this who are trying to help people ... I will try and explain my story as i am a caring person who wants to help.
I met a girl that i went out with about 5 months ago (she asked her friend to ask me out) and it was my first serious relationship (I am 16 she is 17). Erm to be fair we had a rocky start as i realised she was different from most girls in a good sense. She was sooo friendly and was never ever bad to me. I realised though that she had a problem with trust as she was in a bad relationship before...i understood that and moved on. She doesnt like meeting new people much and the symptoms of APD relate exactly to hers.
We have split up a few months ago mainly because she wasn't telling me how she felt ... I realised the mistake i made and i really want to get back together with her. She knows this and accoring to one of her friends she doesnt know what to feel about me...sometimes she avoids me now if i say somehting to her. I think she still likes me and im not sure if i should just give her time to think and let her get trust for me? Because she dont trust any guys I really want to help and i care for her so much that she dont know...but i know she finds it easier being alone. I dont think thats what she wants though.
Please some help on this matter would be a big help to me thanks!
Posted: Mon Nov 13, 2006 4:24 pm Post subject: Re: A little problem :(
Smudgo wrote:
I think she still likes me and im not sure if i should just give her time to think and let her get trust for me?
I don't think you should give her too much space. While you may need time for her to regain trust in you, if she has AvPD, she isn't going to initiate the re-establishing of a relationship. You should keep creating opportunities for her to be around you or do things with you and make her feel comfortable that you want to be with her when she is ready.
Posted: Tue Nov 14, 2006 7:45 pm Post subject: Re: A little problem :(
Skog wrote:
Smudgo wrote:
I think she still likes me and im not sure if i should just give her time to think and let her get trust for me?
I don't think you should give her too much space. While you may need time for her to regain trust in you, if she has AvPD, she isn't going to initiate the re-establishing of a relationship. You should keep creating opportunities for her to be around you or do things with you and make her feel comfortable that you want to be with her when she is ready.
Yeah i know before we split up i was around at her house nearly every day and i think she was wanting to build up trust or something. I do want to create opportunities but sometimes i feel im just stalking her or something or putting too much pressure onto her.
When I was with my ex-girlfriend, she complained that I didn't tell her how I felt. I shouldn't have told her anything because it just made her worry, but its too late and doesn't matter now.
Anyway, if she does have Avoidant personality disorder, then she fear rejection, embarrasment, and criticism. My advice to you is to make it clear to her that you have not rejected her, that you are not rejecting her, and that you want to be with her. I think the trust thing is a manifestation of her disorder. She may not trust boys, and I wouldn't trust them either, but either you trust them or you don't and you want a boyfriend or you don't. She might be saying she doesn't trust you because she is rejecting you before you can reject her. Shes scared of rejection. She might not even be thinking of it in the terms of rejecting you before you can reject her.
Now, I don't know the situation, so don't trust any of the advice I gave you because you know what its like much much better than I do. I have almost no idea except for what you wrote. If the advice seems right then take it at your own risk, but if it seems wrong in any way, then ignore what I said.
When I was with my ex-girlfriend, she complained that I didn't tell her how I felt. I shouldn't have told her anything because it just made her worry, but its too late and doesn't matter now.
Anyway, if she does have Avoidant personality disorder, then she fear rejection, embarrasment, and criticism. My advice to you is to make it clear to her that you have not rejected her, that you are not rejecting her, and that you want to be with her. I think the trust thing is a manifestation of her disorder. She may not trust boys, and I wouldn't trust them either, but either you trust them or you don't and you want a boyfriend or you don't. She might be saying she doesn't trust you because she is rejecting you before you can reject her. Shes scared of rejection. She might not even be thinking of it in the terms of rejecting you before you can reject her.
Now, I don't know the situation, so don't trust any of the advice I gave you because you know what its like much much better than I do. I have almost no idea except for what you wrote. If the advice seems right then take it at your own risk, but if it seems wrong in any way, then ignore what I said.
Thanks for your advice i really appreciate it. I think she prefers being alone sometimes but i really hope that she wants to be with me and stuff. Your post makes a lot of sense to me ... a lot. A lot of it relates to what her character is like. I am just worried that in case i tell her how i feel that i will lose her as a friend and she will then avoid me? She knows i still like her off her friend but maybe she thinks different otherwise?
Maybe i could tell her how i feel and say whatever happens i really just want to stay friends if she would prefer that? We did have some problems in our short relationship maybe she is worrying about them too and doesnt want a boyfriend? I am just confused
Thank you. I am going to send her an email...she will feel too awkward face to face. I need to know if i will be rejected cause i cant keep going on like this wondering if she likes me or not. I would do face to face but she is avoiding me.
Erm well i sent her an email and she said she dont want to get into another relationship cause of school and stuff :S
She started talking to me on msn as if nothing had happened and i said im sorry if im not talkative. She then went offline. I sent an email saying how i still want to be friends but i will just need some time and it is nothing to do with her it is just me.
Do you think she will be hurt by this? I didnt mean it to hurt her...
I've had that experience...It's eerie how similar it is.. though I don't think I have AvPD... but I do have SA/SP and trust issues, does that count?
I reject guys before they can reject me and for what it's worth, this is how I see it...
Smudgo wrote:
Erm well i sent her an email and she said she dont want to get into another relationship cause of school and stuff :S
I have used that line. I guess what I was trying to get across in some twisted way, was that I liked the guy, but my SA and trust issues were preventing me from telling him the truth (that I liked him, but felt I wasn't quite ready to let him in, even though I wanted to)...
Smudgo wrote:
She started talking to me on msn as if nothing had happened and i said im sorry if im not talkative. She then went offline.
By pretending nothing happened but still talking to the guy on msn, I was trying to tell him; "Yeah I like you and want to be friends (at least), I don't feel comfortable talking about my feelings face to face, sometimes it's better to talk on msn, and I have to be in a certain mood to be able to talk about my feelings."
My guy brushed me off saying he was busy or something and didn't feel like talking..... so I blocked him making him think I was offline. I just felt too vulnerable to talk to him, because I started the conversation (took the first step in communicating with him, and therefore opened myself up a little bit) and he just gave me the cold shoulder (so I shut down)...
Smudgo wrote:
I sent an email saying how i still want to be friends but i will just need some time and it is nothing to do with her it is just me.
Do you think she will be hurt by this? I didnt mean it to hurt her...
My guy never sent me an email, but if I had gotten one saying something like what yours said (I obviously don't know how the whole letter was) ... I think it all depends on the mood I was in when I got the letter..
Scenario 1. I would think "Erm..sure lets JUST be friends and nothing more (pissed off).. you can just have all the time in the world...see if I care..... I am sooo over you" (I say to myself, but don't always believe it)...
Scenario 2. I would be deeply dissapointed in the guy and mostly in myself, for "blowing" everything... Feeling like a total failure, thinking I don't deserve any male attention. I would be hurt and withdrawn around the guy and basically back to square one (the wall between us is back up)
Scenario 3. Believe what the guy says in his email, and give him the time he needs. (rare in my case, only happens when I'm feeling self confident)
NOTE: we all know (hopefully ) that you can't put all women in the same category. Just cause I reacted in this way and did what I did, doesn't necessarily mean she is the same...
IF and only IF she is like me, then there is almost no way she will at her own accord tell you she wants to be your girlfriend, even if that is exactly what she wants, you have to be the one who takes a chance and tell her how you feel about her, honestly. If you want her, then you have to let her know you want her, then give her some time to let it sink in. Give her time, but don't let her forget that you are there for her (if that is the case. If you think she is to much trouble, then the sooner you let her go, the better). When you feel she might be starting to believe that you truly like her, and if the mood is right, then slowly but surely make your move.
Basically make sure she knows you are her friend and will always be no matter what, and that you are open to the possibility of something more.
Make her feel secure. (at least try your best)
If you love her, then you'll wait for her.
If you love her, you'll want what is best for her.
I understand you are only 16 and all this might just sound crazy....
but then again, I don't know the full dynamic of the situation.
I might just be rambeling on and on and this might not be helpful at all...
This is just from my point of view, being a single, lonely, distrusting, SA/SP, 22 year old female who has ruined her share of potential relationships...
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I really want to help and i care for her so much that she dont know...but i know she finds it easier being alone. I dont think thats what she wants though.
thanks!
I've had that experience...It's eerie how similar it is.. though I don't think I have AvPD... but I do have SA/SP and trust issues, does that count? 
making him think I was offline. I just felt too vulnerable to talk to him, because I started the conversation (took the first step in communicating with him, and therefore opened myself up a little bit) and he just gave me the cold shoulder (so I shut down)...
) that you can't put all women in the same category. Just cause I reacted in this way and did what I did, doesn't necessarily mean she is the same...
