Potential girlfriend

emre43

emre43

Well-known member
Hello everyone

I used to come on here a lot, but wound down as I found myself recovering. I am 24 years old and have never had a girlfriend. However, I have been online dating and a young lady recently contacted me. We got on really well and after about a week we exchanged numbers. We text everyday without fail and get on so well; we have so much in common! She told me tonight that I am a really lovely guy! She doesn't have SA, but she is very sweet.

At some point I feel that I will have to tell her about my SA and why I have never had a girlfriend and that makes me nervous. Also, as the guy I will have to ask her out at some point and meeting her makes me even more nervous. I have already asked her if she would like to Skype, which she said yes to, and that is making me nervous enough.

Also, at what point does a person become a partner? When does one become your boyfriend/girlfriend? When is a relationship official?

Many thanks for any advice! :)
 
PugofCrydee

PugofCrydee

You want to know how I got these scars?
G'day emre43 :)

People will have varying opinions about when one relationship becomes mutually exclusive.
For me, once you meet and if you hit it off, agree to date again..then that's the time to at least consider yourself unavailable to others.

Being nervous is normal, try not to focus on it. As we all know, that will only make things worse. Think externally :)
I would probably tell her about the SA after a couple of dates. But I wouldn't make a huge thing of it.
Just focus on having a good time at first :)
Good luck mate!
 
MikeyC

MikeyC

Well-known member
It's only official if it's on Facebook. :giggle:

Nah, but keep doing what you're doing, mate. Skype her, and when you're comfortable, ask her out and take her to dinner. She'll love that and, from what you've mentioned, she won't say no.

Explaining your social anxiety...well, that's a tougher one. You'll have to gauge her reactions to other things to determine how she'll react to your news. I hope it won't be a deal-breaker for you and her, but it will be something you have to tell her eventually.
 
WeirdyMcGee

WeirdyMcGee

Well-known member
emre43 said:
Also, at what point does a person become a partner? When does one become your boyfriend/girlfriend? When is a relationship official?
Click to expand...

I... am not so sure about how this works these days... haha

I would say that a conversation should be had after a few dates (whether those dates are online or in person probably doesn't matter) where one would propose going steady/only dating eachother.
It's always good to clarify that type of thing before getting too ahead of yourself.

Really though-- you just have to do what feels right.
Communicate how you feel because your friend/partner is probably not a mind reader. Keep things in the open.


That would be my advice.

Good luck!!
 
emre43

emre43

Well-known member
Thanks for the responses guys. I am going to ask a really naïve question now. But how do you think I should word my sentence when asking about whether she would like to be my girlfriend?
 
WeirdyMcGee

WeirdyMcGee

Well-known member
aack! Sorry, I don't have a helpful answer this time... haha

My only boyfriend just asked if I would go out with him-- we went on a date and I *assumed* we were boyfriend/girlfriend (which we were)

I'm not so sure that people think this way these days, though...?
So, I have no idea.
 
emre43

emre43

Well-known member
WeirdyMcGee said:
aack! Sorry, I don't have a helpful answer this time... haha

My only boyfriend just asked if I would go out with him-- we went on a date and I *assumed* we were boyfriend/girlfriend (which we were)

I'm not so sure that people think this way these days, though...?
So, I have no idea.
Click to expand...

That's ok :)

It's probably better if I work it out myself anyway!
 
emre43

emre43

Well-known member
Ok, it is pretty obvious to me that she likes me. She called me 'a very lovely guy' again tonight and also said 'Promise me you won't go anywhere anytime soon'. I think the same thing about her. I don't think she would call everything off just because of SA, but whether she would have a proper understanding of it is another question. I think I would need to write it all down in an email it would take so long to explain.
 
Section_31

Section_31

Well-known member
emre43 said:
Ok, it is pretty obvious to me that she likes me. She called me 'a very lovely guy' again tonight and also said 'Promise me you won't go anywhere anytime soon'. I think the same thing about her. I don't think she would call everything off just because of SA, but whether she would have a proper understanding of it is another question. I think I would need to write it all down in an email it would take so long to explain.
Click to expand...

Do whatever you feel most comfortable with to communicate it clearly to her. If she really cares about you, she will understand. It sounds to me like she really does care about you. My advice, is your doing this right telling her early, its better to do so now, than wait a couple months when your really involved, and feel you have much more to lose by then by telling her. Telling her now, will be way easier and you wont have that weight on your chest. I recently told someone about my paruresis. I wish id done so way earlier. But hindsight is always 20/20.

When you write the email, take your time. Don't rush it. Relax and put your feelings into your words. And be honest and upfront. I have a feeling she'll understand. Then later explain to her it was much easier for you to explain this to her via email. Communication is key!
 
emre43

emre43

Well-known member
Section_31 said:
Do whatever you feel most comfortable with to communicate it clearly to her. If she really cares about you, she will understand. It sounds to me like she really does care about you. My advice, is your doing this right telling her early, its better to do so now, than wait a couple months when your really involved, and feel you have much more to lose by then by telling her. Telling her now, will be way easier and you wont have that weight on your chest. I recently told someone about my paruresis. I wish id done so way earlier. But hindsight is always 20/20.

When you write the email, take your time. Don't rush it. Relax and put your feelings into your words. And be honest and upfront. I have a feeling she'll understand. Then later explain to her it was much easier for you to explain this to her via email. Communication is key!
Click to expand...

Thank you so much for this advice; it makes so much sense. I really appreciate it! :)
 
emre43

emre43

Well-known member
I just asked her out and she replied 'Yes, that would be lovely :)'

I am so happy and excited, yet nervous...
 
emre43

emre43

Well-known member
PerseverareJasmine said:
That's great, I hope your date goes well :perfect:.
Click to expand...

Thank you :)

Now I need dating advice haha.

Should you greet your data with a kiss on the cheek, both cheeks, none at all? Is there expected to be a mouth-to-mouth kiss on the first date? So many questions, I have more but can't think of them right now.
 
Remus

Remus

Moderator
Staff member
Shake hands greeting or a hug goodbye. I wouldn't go for kissing till another date. It can depend how you click though.
 
J

jc972

1
John said:
I'm so glad I found this Website!

I've been on-line for over a year trying to find out more
about Social Phobia.

(I don't feel entirely comfortable telling the world this
but) I've tried every med - SSRI's, SNRI's, Benzos, Buspar
w/ not much help for SP.

Does anyone have any info on the effectiveness of MAOI's on
SP? PLEASE E-MAIL or POST HERE. Thanks.

I'm sorry if this is a long post, but I'm kinda getting
this stuff off my chest.
Click to expand...

Greet with a hug, end the evening with a kiss on one cheek IF she seems into it. Don't wanna come off as needy or date-rapey.

Edit: it all depends on her. When you go pick her up give her a hug, a normal one like you'd give family i reckon. Everything else should go off her actions. Mainly body language. If she's laughing most of the time and/or grabs your hand to hold it, or sits right next to you, or any physical contact like she's comfortable with you ... i advise a gentle, PG rated, kiss on her cheek at the end of the evening. However, if the conversation is mostly non existant, if she looks at you with nervousness, and the whole date seems about as tense as a hostage situation .... weeeeelllll i advise AGAINST the kiss on the cheek. Definitely refrain from any sexual conversations if you can. Keep things light hearted and PG rated, be respectful and be yourself and I'm sure you'll do great, dude :thumbup:
 
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DafT

DafT

Active member
Good luck emre43! :) I hope it goes well. I went through this process for the first time myself 6 months ago. I'm 27 ;( I was a nervous wreck, and at times I couldn't withhold the anxiety, but she found it endearing and cute, because I vocalised how I felt, and because I was always thinking of what was best for her, she realised I was kind. So try not to focus on it, or be overly anxious, but don't let the thought of showing some weakness phase you. Good people can appreciate honesty.

Try to read her body language and read between the lines as well. It'll help you stop focusing on yourself, and the more perceptive and reactive you are based on how she feels at the time will help you more than anything! Not that I'm an expert, but I know what you're going through! My fingers are crossed that it all goes great :)
 
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