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-   -   Why do love-shy men NOT want to show they like/love a woman? (http://www.socialphobiaworld.com/why-do-love-shy-men-not-want-to-show-they-like-love-a-woman-19611/)

TooShyShy 07-15-2009 11:08 PM

Why do love-shy men NOT want to show they like/love a woman?
 
Or at least have some feelings or an attraction for her? Why hide your feelings and not acknowledge them? What is the worry in the girl knowing this? Why hold back?

Is it better to live this way and watch, stare, fantasize about her from afar and be sad and lonely rather than let the girl know you are attracted to her?

klytus 07-15-2009 11:31 PM

Re: Why do love-shy men NOT want to show they like/love a woman?
 
It is better, yes, unless you know that she can't do any lasting harm. -- Simply because you make yourself very vulnerable by letting her know. She can destroy you emotionally, sometimes even professionally. The moment you tell her, you lose control over the situation. She can do whatever she wants with that information and it's not too unlikely that she will (ab)use it to ridicule you, sometimes even publicly.

freestylemonster 07-15-2009 11:35 PM

Re: Why do love-shy men NOT want to show they like/love a woman?
 
Yeah I mean the worst she can do is say she doesn't like you that way...And if she's really mean and harsh about it then she's not worth it in the first place! But for some odd reason it still scares the crap outa me to even think of saying my feelings toward a girl :(

NothingElseMatters 07-15-2009 11:38 PM

Re: Why do love-shy men NOT want to show they like/love a woman?
 
---deleted---

klytus 07-15-2009 11:40 PM

Re: Why do love-shy men NOT want to show they like/love a woman?
 
Quote:

Yeah I mean the worst she can do is say she doesn't like you that way...
No, the worst thing she can do is to make it publicly known that you have emotions for her, and how unheard-of that is. She can get scared and call the police, and tell them that you made unwanted sexual advances on her, simply for having said that you actually like her a lot.

I admit, it doesn't happen to many people, but then, many people are just normal and have social lives, and are socially accepted. Who would dare to do such a thing to someone who is accepted by the shared group of friends?

Quote:

And if she's really mean and harsh about it then she's not worth it in the first place!
Yes, and what about the possibly destroyed career, or the problems that can arise from such an unprovidential situation?

It really depends on who you are. Not everyone is allowed to be so brave to simply share the perceived emotions with the lady of preference.

freestylemonster 07-15-2009 11:57 PM

Re: Why do love-shy men NOT want to show they like/love a woman?
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by klytus (Post 184300)
No, the worst thing she can do is to make it publicly known that you have emotions for her, and how unheard-of that is. She can get scared and call the police, and tell them that you made unwanted sexual advances on her, simply for having said that you actually like her a lot.

I admit, it doesn't happen to many people, but then, many people are just normal and have social lives, and are socially accepted. Who would dare to do such a thing to someone who is accepted by the shared group of friends?


Yes, and what about the possibly destroyed career, or the problems that can arise from such an unprovidential situation?

It really depends on who you are. Not everyone is allowed to be so brave to simply share the perceived emotions with the lady of preference.

lol well I'm only 19, and if I was gonna ask her out I'd get to know her a bit first...Also being rejected by a girl wouldn't wreck my career...Those are both completely separate things.

But if you really don't wanna ever ask out a girl because she might call the police on you or ruin your career somehow (these are waaaay over the top) then by all means live your life as a single man never experiencing love

Also "not everybody is allowed to be brave and share their emotions"??????

Everyone's allowed to!!! There's no law saying that some people can't..

TooShyShy 07-16-2009 12:40 AM

Re: Why do love-shy men NOT want to show they like/love a woman?
 
Well, i don't see how just letting a girl know your true feelings for her can ruin a career, let alone a life..if she feels the same way and she's mature enough to handle it then what can be so bad about that, she could be THE ONE the love of your life????

Is that what runs through ones mind, really? Is that what holds you back..she may ruin my life?

I think if that is what you truly feel deep down then its quite irrational. And i feel the alternative is very sad..to forever be alone when you could have found love :( thats a real shame.

Shyness really is a killer.

no1 07-16-2009 01:37 AM

Re: Why do love-shy men NOT want to show they like/love a woman?
 
well.. I think about the following: if a girl sees I'm attracted to her she will think I am ridiculous, weak and ***** whipped. Why? because that's what they've shown me. and the guys will make you look and feel ridiculous.

the other reason is this: SEXUAL attraction is a very touchy subject. Expressing sexual attraction can make you look like a pervert. You never know when it's right. Sexual feelings, ARE something to be careful about. You don't know if the woman will like it or not, say you are sexually harrassing her, etc. and out of respect I don't want to be too explicit about them.

that goes for "love" feelings also, because it's all sexual.

maybe I just didn't grow up around people who could have shown me that it's ok to have and show sexual/romantic feelings toward a woman. To me I feel like a beast if I don't know that it's ok. Even when people tell me that it is ok, I don't. It can ruin your professional career, everything because you are RISKING IT. Sexual harassment is not something to **** with, obviously. And many girls use it to their advantage as you can see.

and that's why I'm not at all ok about showing such feelings with women. And I feel it is very wrong for women (or men) to think you are gay, or weak, unmasculine, ***** because of this. I think it is also wrong for a woman to consider you asexual, and therefore never developing, and considering you for "romance" or anything, even calling it OFFENSIVE because you are not overtly sexual with her.

satstrn 07-16-2009 02:02 AM

Re: Why do love-shy men NOT want to show they like/love a woman?
 
most of us shy guys can express our feelings for a girl but not for a very long time. for me, i must be ABSOLUTELY positive shes into me or i wont go for it ever. no1 is right, theres the ridicule thing, the sexual harassment thing, the being seen as weak thing...its potentially dangerous. though i know im a damn nice guy that girls would like and have liked before, i cant express interest in a girl cuz she has the potential to make things harder on me. when you get rejected, you feel like shit. period. PS, a girl wont ruin your career thats crap. she does have the potential to wreck your confidence/self esteem and make it particularly nasty. and being a girl, of course shell tell her friends about the pathetic guy that tried to show interest in her...friggin girls, man, so amazing and yet so frustrating...

no1 07-16-2009 02:04 AM

Re: Why do love-shy men NOT want to show they like/love a woman?
 
and I would love to read some feedback as regards this topic because it bothers me a lot. it bothers me that the way I see people actually getting to know each other, or "finding mates" through what I MIGHT view as 'perversion'. I'm not sure if I actually view it as perverted, but I do find it promiscuous and "dirty" behavior. Not because I view sex as dirty, or nasty... but because the way I see people going about finding it, or getting into relationships based on the concept of DEVIANCE because people tend to associate sexuality with deviance. and I find it offensive, or at least discouraging and disheartening to see other men act this way towards women, and women being complacent because they think it is ok since it has been portrayed as "common". To APPROACH someone, who you have close to little or NO connection with, with sexual deviations. Even if it is done jokingly, women CAN and WILL if they have to, take advantage of such a situation if they dont like you or aren't "attracted" to you, and say you are harassing them.

But any other guy who they're attracted to, can say any damn thing they want.

It's ok, if a woman rejects you, laugh it off and just be done with it, continue on with the friendship. But to call it OFFENSIVE and then, run away, and stop being friends with you because you were simply being honest, and expected it to be handled as an adult? Especially knowing that they have an unfair and excessively/purely materialistic preference as to who to "be offended by" and "who not to.." (????????????????????????????????????????????????? ?????????????????????????????????????????????????? ?????????????????????????????????????????????????? ????????????)

no1 07-16-2009 02:28 AM

Re: Why do love-shy men NOT want to show they like/love a woman?
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by satstrn (Post 184348)
most of us shy guys can express our feelings for a girl but not for a very long time. for me, i must be ABSOLUTELY positive shes into me or i wont go for it ever. no1 is right, theres the ridicule thing, the sexual harassment thing, the being seen as weak thing...its potentially dangerous. though i know im a damn nice guy that girls would like and have liked before, i cant express interest in a girl cuz she has the potential to make things harder on me. when you get rejected, you feel like shit. period. PS, a girl wont ruin your career thats crap. she does have the potential to wreck your confidence/self esteem and make it particularly nasty. and being a girl, of course shell tell her friends about the pathetic guy that tried to show interest in her...friggin girls, man, so amazing and yet so frustrating...

no she CAN ruin your rep. she CAN if she wants, say that you harrassed her. Coming up with proof, or the story is another thing. Women have all the rights in court.

no1 07-16-2009 02:44 AM

Re: Why do love-shy men NOT want to show they like/love a woman?
 
Well.. I don't even know what is considered 'sexual/romantic feelings' anymore.. since I've never really even had true "love" or "romance". and also the media (also porn) can represent it's own image of sexuality. What do I define as sexual feelings as I mentioned it in my previous post? What does the majority of american or western society view as sexuality/romance? that's another big question. but I'll leave you to think about that one.

edit: well.. just to add to the last one (again).. I always seem to feel like I left things unsaid. But yea.. as regards the labove : what I view as TRUE sexual/romantic feelings is not superficial or excessively/purely materialistic, but it may have been represented as such to myself as well as others because well... I guess I don't know exactly WHAT IS *TRUE* romance, but I do know it's not purely materialistic and superficial. So I hope u don't think that way of me.

cobblestones 07-16-2009 03:08 AM

Re: Why do love-shy men NOT want to show they like/love a woman?
 
Well I had the worst experience of my life when a girl I was in love with led me on for a really long time and when I finally called her out on it she acted like I did something wrong. Since then I have huge panic attacks anytime I even think about asking a girl out on a date or telling her how I feel. I hate banging my head against the wall when I chicken out but the emotional scar that other girl left on me is still pretty fresh although it was about 4 years ago. The main reason I haven't been able to just move on and forget about it is because she goes to the same college I go to and is the same major so we've had several classes since then so it makes it even more difficult just to move on.

satstrn 07-16-2009 03:15 AM

Re: Why do love-shy men NOT want to show they like/love a woman?
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by no1 (Post 184356)
no she CAN ruin your rep. she CAN if she wants, say that you harrassed her. Coming up with proof, or the story is another thing. Women have all the rights in court.

yeah, but a girl wont take you to court if you try to talk to her i dont think. if you grab at her chest then maybe yes, but talking to her no. the worst that can happen is she doesnt take you seriously and rejects you in public by saying "dont talk to me" or "ew, get away from me" which is devastating in itself (its happened to me) but it wont ruin your rep. also telling a stranger you like her is a very very bad idea, similar to grabbing the chest. but if you try to ask her for a number or a date, she will not say you harassed her. i mean, right? girls, what do you think? we need input!

Jannah 07-16-2009 03:25 AM

Re: Why do love-shy men NOT want to show they like/love a woman?
 
Many reasons. I know this is going to sound stupid but a lot of times I have too much pride to tell her how I really feel, I feel embarrassed to tell her.

JA2007 07-16-2009 03:32 AM

Re: Why do love-shy men NOT want to show they like/love a woman?
 
I wish guys wouldn't ignore girls when they like us. I think it's really cute when they are casual about it and find random reasons to talk to me. I like that because I'm way to shy to get to know a guy without him talking to me first. If I really like him the shyness goes away and getting to know him motivates me to talk to him. For me, there definitely has to be a connection from the start and that can't really happen if no one is talking.

Rodox 07-16-2009 08:57 AM

Re: Why do love-shy men NOT want to show they like/love a woman?
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by TooShyShy (Post 184286)
Or at least have some feelings or an attraction for her? Why hide your feelings and not acknowledge them? What is the worry in the girl knowing this? Why hold back?

Is it better to live this way and watch, stare, fantasize about her from afar and be sad and lonely rather than let the girl know you are attracted to her?

Just like I said in another thread before to you,could be a lot of things,could be that he has only a few experiences,bad experiences before,feels he is not good enough,only he knows.
Sometimes it is,at least to people like us or in our head,then when he truly loses he will regret.

no1 07-16-2009 12:09 PM

Re: Why do love-shy men NOT want to show they like/love a woman?
 
Quote:

Originally Posted by satstrn (Post 184367)
yeah, but a girl wont take you to court if you try to talk to her i dont think. if you grab at her chest then maybe yes, but talking to her no. the worst that can happen is she doesnt take you seriously and rejects you in public by saying "dont talk to me" or "ew, get away from me" which is devastating in itself (its happened to me) but it wont ruin your rep. also telling a stranger you like her is a very very bad idea, similar to grabbing the chest. but if you try to ask her for a number or a date, she will not say you harassed her. i mean, right? girls, what do you think? we need input!

even getting a number or a date seems like sexually motivated intent..

I have asked for a number before numerous times but that's after I made some kind of connection with her, and perhaps longer than other men would take, and for other reasons too. They have ALL been asked, out of desperation, and in the guise of wanting her number because we have same interests such as having the same classes together, etc. If a girl is expecting me to get her number quickly well.. I dont think that will happen, as I dont even have experience in talking to girls, and making friends with them and stuff, outside of school.

I simply do not know how to approach ANY WOMAN with the idea of sex, or even a date, or getting to know her.. because of the above fears I mentioned.

And I dont know what will make me think differently.. I will be alone my whole life because of this, because I KNOW women will not like me for who I am and think I am just a *****, and think all these other really bad things about me.

DAMN.

klytus 07-16-2009 01:58 PM

Re: Why do love-shy men NOT want to show they like/love a woman?
 
Quote:

Well, i don't see how just letting a girl know your true feelings for her can ruin a career, let alone a life..
Women can destroy your career. Even if you are just in school/university. It's enough for one to claim that you sexually harassed her, or concoct a plan with her friends to publicly debase you - simply because it's fun to see someone suffer. Especially with emotional involvement. Cinematic event.

Assume she just says that you got too close to her, sexually harassed her, just because you said you liked her a lot, what will the people think of you, simply because of the story about you that she distributed? Sooner or later, the entire university will know - and people do care, because it's fun to torture someone - and you won't be able to ever again approach a woman there without her having to think that there might be something true about the story. It can even indirectly lower your grades, if, in school, teachers get to hear the story.

Some might even go to the police and you will have to deal with the unpleasant investigations.

Quote:

Everyone's allowed to!!! There's no law saying that some people can't..
No, that's not true. There's an unspoken law, which our society appears to agree on, that makes it a crime for certain men to express their emotions towards the woman they secretly love.

no1 is right. All these activities are - if only indirectly - sexually motivated. Sexuality is always an integral part of romantic attraction. Many women will think that you want to hurt them, or get into their pants, and feel disgusted simply because you talk to them. Or hold a door(!) open for them.

I emphasized the 'you' above, as it really depends on who you are. If you are a socially integrated person, someone who enjoys the group's acceptance, you can even touch her indecently, and she won't feel bad about it. I have seen that happen on a daily basis back in school. We were all between 18 and 21, and my impression of women is really not something that I irrationally come up with.

Quote:

Coming up with proof, or the story is another thing.
Indeed, but who actually cares about a proof? Most people will simply believe it because it brings more fun into their lives. With time passing, the story will fade, but some remnant thoughts of you being a sexual pervert will prevail, likely for their entire lifetime.

Plus that there are cases where you have to stick to that environment you live in, because of various reasons. I moved to this city a couple of weeks ago in order to go to university here. I will have to stay here until I get my degree, such that I can move on successfully (career-wise). Jeopardizing this plan by approaching a woman I find attractive would be foolish.

Quote:

I wish guys wouldn't ignore girls when they like us.
I wish girls would be more rational, less emotional and more open to people who aren't socially accepted or integrated for some reason. And, eh, there are so many things I wish girls would do or be like, but that's simply not going to happen for a long time to come.

Quote:

If I really like him the shyness goes away and getting to know him motivates me to talk to him.
What would make you start liking him?

iamthenra 07-16-2009 02:45 PM

Re: Why do love-shy men NOT want to show they like/love a woman?
 
Just like allot of us, being scared to death. The fear is what prevents us that have SA or SP from approaching people especially the "attractive" opposite sex... For me, just thinking about approaching someone that is attractive makes me want to run away. I would rather bathe in acid and then run through fire and then jump out of a perfectly good air plane without a parachute, than to ask a girl out or even tell her how I feel.


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