random rant

I used to think that I would get better..lately I've just been trying to accept the fact that I'll always be socially awkward. I just got an apartment with my sister, but shes always at her boyfriends house so I basically live alone. I feel like most people think I'm like a serial killer or something but I'm not sure how to change their minds..I dont want to hurt anyone but I rarely leave the house and I understand why they see me that way. I think maybe living my life alone would be better then to continue trying to be normal. It works for some things, like when I go to work..everyone says I'm silent but I think they realize I'm harmless and usually they leave me alone to work. But then I go home and have nothing to do but watch netflix or play games..I wish I had some friends to socialize and do stuff with, or the courage to go outside and do stuff alone.. but then someone would see me and think I'm insane and end up causing problems for me, so I just stay inside where I'm safe..is that agoraphobia?!
I have problems going places, I can usually just push through work, but when I go to the grocery store I feel like everyone is watching me and judging me so I try to get out of there as soon as possible and usually use the self check out so I dont have to interact with anyone there.
I'm hoping to get a better paying job in about a month but I'm not sure I'll qualify for it..and I'll have to actually go through the application process dealing with the interviewer, and I think I'll have to take some classes..so back to school dealing with classmates.
I guess I really have nothing to complain about, I have more then I need..I just wish I didn't feel so judged and alone..I'm trying to setup an appointment with a therapist, but I really dont see that helping..and I keep putting it off..has anyone sought out therapy on their own? its just one call then go see them..it sounds so easy but feels so hard.
Life sucks, but I'm paying my bills and I'm still alive :kickingmyself::sad:

I'v heard of some therapists doing appointments on skype but idk..I could be mistaken.


other than that, you're only real hope is to try to meet people that would be able to empathize with your situation..people who GET it....perhaps people from a similar upbringing/backround as you...and also people who wont judge you based on stereotypes and other preconceived bullshit....try not to interact too much with ignorant people.

wouldn't it be awesome if the anxiety just went away. it's not so much the awkwardness but the anxiety. although they are connected. anxiety goes up when something goes wrong or something feels dangerous.