Receiving More Hostility/Rudeness From People Because of SA

Does anyone else feel like they receive more rudeness and disrespect from the world - from "friends", acquaintances, or the world-at-large - than the average person? Do you feel that if you were more "normal" - you wouldn't receive (nearly) as much unkind, crappy treatment - even from virtual strangers?

Over the years, I have developed the strong belief that I have faced an increased frequency of rude, disrespectful, unkind treatment from others - and that my SA and accompanying psychiatric issues have played some role in this. From verbal bullying, to cruel social rejection, to rudeness from strangers - I feel that I have endured (a lot) more of this than people who are fortunate enough to be SA-free. Because of the severity of my problems, I don't really get out much, and my interactions with others have been severely limited...but in my limited interactions with the world, I have faced more than my fair share of upsetting "microaggressions". I think that there is more than one major reason for this - but I cannot discount the probable role that my SA and depression play in this situation. I fear that there is something about my demeanor that sometimes emboldens people to abandon the polite, respectful veneer that they present to other people.

I can cite example after example of people using a ruder tone-of-voice with me than they would use with other people - or giving me a rude, prolonged stare or "death glare" that they wouldn't dare give to others - or not giving me the level of service that they would have given to other people - or saying/doing mean things (some of these memories are distant - dating back to high school or elementary school). It's quite a cruel, unjust situation that - as someone who is already suffering mightily with SA - I have had to endure more of the world's crap than someone who isn't having as difficult of a time. It sucks that I go out into the world with much difficulty - and already feeling distressed - and someone does something to make me feel even worse.

Meanwhile - the people who are already confident and relatively problem-free get their butts kissed by these same people who are rude to me. Or - at the very least - they don't face the sheer level of rudeness and disrespect that I receive. The rich get richer, and the poor get poorer.

Can anyone else relate? Do you feel as though you've had to fend off more slings and arrows than normally socially-functioning people? Do you feel that you are mistreated more often than more fortunate people?

Yes, I used to get this a lot at one point. When my SA in full swing everyone's attitude towards me changed; the same people who were party to my very confident years. You project energy and people will feed off of that. Weak body language, passive and submissive speech. If you project yourself weakly, people will treat you as a weak person. You don't have to be aggressive to resolve these issues, but relearning how to be assertive. I was literally housebound at one point, and learned to improve to the point where I can assert myself in the face of some very rude and aggressive people. Even my family are starting to change how they view me, and that's saying a lot. It starts with you.

Requiescat said:

Yes, I used to get this a lot at one point. When my SA in full swing everyone's attitude towards me changed; the same people who were party to my very confident years. You project energy and people will feed off of that. Weak body language, passive and submissive speech. If you project yourself weakly, people will treat you as a weak person. You don't have to be aggressive to resolve these issues, but relearning how to be assertive. I was literally housebound at one point, and learned to improve to the point where I can assert myself in the face of some very rude and aggressive people. Even my family are starting to change how they view me, and that's saying a lot. It starts with you.

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"It starts with you" - yes, this may be true to a certain extent, but let's not absolve the aggressors of responsibility in this situation. It's not exactly right or appropriate to "pounce" upon perceived weakness; just because a person may appear "quiet", "weak" - or appears lacking of some assertiveness - does not give people the right to act rudely. It's not as though my personal problems make me more deserving of others' microaggressions; I'm no more deserving of others' crap than the more confident, SA-free people who are better able to project a strong energy.

And when one's problems with SA and accompanying mental issues are severe and deeply-entrenched like mine are - it can be very, very difficult - perhaps somewhat impossible - to compeletly control things like body-language, eye-contact, and overall demeanor. Often, I have just been so depressed - or so ravaged by the years of stress and mental-illness - that "faking it" is not all that feasible. Yes, someone in my situation may be able to "fake it" a little - but not every moment. Inevitably, the cracks will appear in my facade - and other people can pick up on this rather quickly.

I don't want to make it seem as though I'm a totally meek and passive person; and that my public demeanor is always very weak. There have been times in my life when I have been able to project a fairly strong demeanor, and have commanded some respect. And there have been times when I was able to "fake it" a lot better. But within the past several years, my anxiety has grown even more severe - and has reached a point where it is so "in my bones" that it seems physically impossible to always put forth an effective strong front. Even under better circumstances, one may not be able to have control over every moment; you cannot control things like facial expression, speech, and body-language 100% of the time.

The aggressors in these situations - as people who are relatively free of disabling anxiety - have a lot more control over their behavior than I have over mine. Basically, they have a choice over how they treat a person - and with me, they sometimes choose rather poorly.

Yes, someone in my situation may be able to "fake it" a little - but not every moment. Inevitably, the cracks will appear in my facade - and other people can pick up on this rather quickly.

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I know what you mean. It's tiring to put up a facade.

There's little moments where I'm zoned out and behave awkwardly, and have trouble with sensory information/picking up what's going on around me and replying accordingly to it. Often I'm just completely "in my head" and don't even want to bother with a world that constantly demands attention. Social interaction is just so terribly tiring. I think it's the act we put up that is in fact the thing that causes the cracks. We can't be an actor 24/7.

I do feel the same as you, that because of that, I've received more scrutiny from strangers/colleagues/acquaintainces/fellow students throughout the years than the regular person. People can be very cruel and will pick on those they perceive as weaker to assert their own social position. It's cruel and unjust, and makes people with SA feel like $hit. I've learned not to take $hit from people and fire back, because I feel forced into that position to defend myself. It's not my natural behavior though and it causes a lot of stress.

I think there's really no right or wrong answer here. The world-at-large is a very diverse place. There'll be people who are empathetic and lend a helping hands, and there'll be trolls that only wait for any chances to pounce on people. My best resolution in dealing with rude and judgmental people is to put some distance between you and them. I've been told many things directly and indirectly that I'm meek, soft, and don't have a presence. Then I've also been told that I'm strong, firm, commanding, and "someone they shouldn't cross". As long as you are able to stand up for yourself when people attack you and stay humble when someone praises you, you'll be tactful enough to deal with the world. Faking it has its own limits and "it starts with you" is true to a certain extent. People can be quite difficult and sometimes when you try everything you can but still receive rude remarks and unpleasant treatments, it's on them. Just walk away and let them go. They're rude and mean for a reason, and that reason might not be you at all.

I think people just misunderstand you. The don't know what you're going through personally so they judge you just by what you put off in the moment. And, what you put off - your demeanor - turns them off. It's good that you recognize this because now you can work to change it. I'm going through something similar at my job. I've put off this very closed, shy, and sometimes "mean" demeanor and I've noticed people behave more negatively towards me because of it. I don't blame them. It's human psychology and they're just reacting to my demeanor and my body language (like not smiling enough). I'm working to change it and some people are treating me better. It's just hard when you've already made a bad impression to change people's perceptions of you. But everyday is a new day. You can be who you want to be today and behave how you want to behave so I don't like to dwell on the past and let it hold me back.

Just don't blame others for this problem your experiencing. If it was only rarely that people treat you badly, then you could perhaps blame them for being in a piss poor mood or something. However, since it seems to be pretty common for you, you know it's what you're doing that's causing this. It's not that your ugly. Virtually no one treats another person badly for being ugly. It's just not true. It's your demeanor and remember that most of what we communicate to people is non-verbal communication. This means that, yeah, it's easy to throw out nice words, but poor body language will override that. So work on your body language and, really, in order to have friendly, open, and natural body language, you need to change your negative beliefs and feelings, mood, etc. If you're depressed all the time, it's going to be hard to have friendly, happy body language that makes people feel at ease.

DanielLewis said:

I think people just misunderstand you. The don't know what you're going through personally so they judge you just by what you put off in the moment. And, what you put off - your demeanor - turns them off. It's good that you recognize this because now you can work to change it. I'm going through something similar at my job. I've put off this very closed, shy, and sometimes "mean" demeanor and I've noticed people behave more negatively towards me because of it. I don't blame them. It's human psychology and they're just reacting to my demeanor and my body language (like not smiling enough). I'm working to change it and some people are treating me better. It's just hard when you've already made a bad impression to change people's perceptions of you. But everyday is a new day. You can be who you want to be today and behave how you want to behave so I don't like to dwell on the past and let it hold me back.

Just don't blame others for this problem your experiencing. If it was only rarely that people treat you badly, then you could perhaps blame them for being in a piss poor mood or something. However, since it seems to be pretty common for you, you know it's what you're doing that's causing this. It's not that your ugly. Virtually no one treats another person badly for being ugly. It's just not true. It's your demeanor and remember that most of what we communicate to people is non-verbal communication. This means that, yeah, it's easy to throw out nice words, but poor body language will override that. So work on your body language and, really, in order to have friendly, open, and natural body language, you need to change your negative beliefs and feelings, mood, etc. If you're depressed all the time, it's going to be hard to have friendly, happy body language that makes people feel at ease.

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I'm sorry - I think the world should take at least some of the responsibility for how they treat me and other people who have similar issues. I'm not mean or hostile toward people; just anxious and tense. There may be times when I don't look very friendly - and people may misinterpret this negative facial expression - but I know for a fact that looking "unfriendly" isn't always the issue. I think that people just have an instinct (or a more calculated tendency, in some cases) to treat anxious or "weak" people poorly. People respond to (perceived) social status - and I often project a poor social status. I think this is a flaw of society; yes, I could do things to change how I am treated, but this doesn't mean that other people are faultless for succumbing to their ugly impulses.

I mean, I have been mistreated when I have made attempts to be friendly and positive - so it is not always a matter of being "closed" and looking "mean". There are just people who don't hesitate to make their contempt for socially-awkward people known.

And as far as people mistreating others based on how "attractive" or "ugly" they are - you may be giving some people too much credit. Not that I believe that my God-given looks (or lack thereof, depending on one's personal opinion) are a major factor in how I am treated in most cases - but I know that there are some awfully superficial people out there. And there are people who respond to how you are dressed, what your hair looks like, etc.. If you are considered poorly-dressed, or if someone disapproves of your overall look - you may find yourself being treated more poorly than a person who leaves a better visual impression.

From family, yes.

lyricalliaisons said:

From family, yes.

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Aye, same here.

Though, ma family huv always been hostile towards me. Being the only man in a feminist ideological household. Plus, most of my family treat my anxiety as yin big joke, askin' why ah wus'nae talkin'.

Also... Hullo, lyricalliaisons. It's been awhile, ah hope yer doing well. :thumbup: