SA=deepest, most complicated problem I have

worrywort

Well-known member
I had to decline another invite recently and the worry treadmill began predictably churning again deep in my gut. So I decided to try to unpack it, and I found that I have so many conflicting thoughts and impulses that it's no wonder I find it so troublesome. So I thought I'd list them all here. Maybe some will relate and it may perhaps help to clarify things in our minds a bit.

  • Friend texts me: "Would you like to come round for dinner with my wife and I?"
  • ...
  • Me: No! that sounds like hell.
  • But I can't tell him that because they'll take it personally, even though it's not.
  • ...
  • Me: Damn, how do I get out of this? Shall I decline?
  • But then they'll most likely think badly of me; that I don't like them, or that I'm rude, or that I'm weird.
  • ...
  • Me: Maybe I could make up an excuse.
  • But being dishonest with people makes me feel even worse.
  • ...
  • Me: Maybe I should just go. I'll just act the way society expects me to act; I'll smile and be charming and have FUN!
  • But it's not fun. It's an ordeal for me. Why should I feel I have to accept offers like this when I simply don't enjoy it?
  • ...
  • Me: Maybe it won't be so bad.
  • But it might lead onto more meetups down the road. I need to give the right message now, otherwise I could get trapped in relationships that I'll have to maintain forever.
  • ...
  • Me: Maybe I should just be honest.
  • But if they knew the full truth it'd ruin the relationship because they'd be pussifooting around me all the time. They'd treat me like a mental patient.
  • ...
  • Me: Look, if you don't wanna go, then just say "no thanks" and be done with it.
  • But with this attitude I'm going to end up totally isolated and alone, because the truth is I never really WANT to hang out with anyone, ever!
  • ...
  • Me: Maybe I should force myself to go then. Maybe those books are right; the more I avoid these things the worse it'll get
  • But I don't want that life. I hate that path, of having to force myself to be like everybody else and pretend to be normal.
  • ...
  • Me: But maybe if I face my fears and free myself from SA I'll find a whole new world of great joy and fulfilment in relationships.
  • But I'm not sure I want that. I kinda like that I'm unique. I've found lots of benefits to having SA and I've kind of built my life around it. Loads of my heroes had similar social problems to me too.
  • ...
  • Me: Maybe I should ask God. What's the morally correct thing to do here? What does my conscience tell me?
  • Declining invites left, right and centre, and living in fear, I must admit, is hard to justify.
  • ...
  • Me: But it's not as simple as that. Some people are more introverted than others and there's nothing wrong with that, is there?
  • No, but is that really the reason you're avoiding this dinner invite?
  • ...
  • Me: I just can't bear the thought of being put under the microscope again. It's just too hard. I can't do it. I give up :(

and on and on.....and this is just the tip of the iceburg! There are loads of other avenue's and cul-de-sacs my mind goes down in these situations, but you get the gist!
 

megalon

Well-known member
I rarely get invited to anything, maybe two or three times a year. In my experience, it's best to just force myself to go. If you always turn down invitations, people stop inviting you, and the less chance you have of breaking free of isolation. Usually it ends up being an enjoyable experience, never as bad as the horrible scenarios I imagine beforehand.
 

Sacrament

Well-known member
^very true.

You have to simplify it. You're dreading a simple dinner with people who care enough about you to invite you. What are you afraid of or worried about exactly?

Sometimes it's actually better to come clean and tell people what you go through. Maybe it would be a good idea to accept his invitation and while having dinner you come clean and say something like "y'know, I was this close to declining your invite. For some reason, things like this make me feel really anxious and worried, to a point where my thoughts just overwhelm me. I did some research, and I probably have Generalized Anxiety [you can leave the 'disorder' part out], and that's what makes me feel this way. I figured I'd tell you this because I don't want you guys to think I dislike being around you if I decline an invitation."

You'll find out that they're much more understanding than you think, and probably tell you it's okay and even give you some tips to overcome it (or at least ask a couple of follow-up questions to better understand GAD).
 

Pacific_Loner

Pirate from the North Pole
OR you can find a less awkward way to socialize than a dinner and go "I'm not really up for a dinner, but I wanted to ask you if you wanted to come with me to (insert activity here)"

There is no morally correct thing to do here, it's a matter of what you want. Do you want to maintain your friendship, do you think your friend cares about this friendship enough for you to go out of your way to maintain it, is there another way to maintain this friendship that you would be willing to do, or is this friendship not that valuable to you.
 

Livemylife

Well-known member
I experience conflicting thoughts too. I keep telling myself I'll sit down and find a solution to my social confusion. As of now, I've decided to put on an act. It's kind of like this bullet point you wrote:
"Me: Maybe I should just go. I'll just act the way society expects me to act; I'll smile and be charming and have FUN!
But it's not fun. It's an ordeal for me. Why should I feel I have to accept offers like this when I simply don't enjoy it?"
Except I do not think it'll be fun at all.

But there are many things I do because I can see some benefit in doing it--not because it's fun. For example, I clean dishes because I know I'll need clean ones later. So I'll put on an act because that's what I'm supposed to do. I'll have peace of mind knowing I did that, and then can do other things in my free time rather than wallowing and wondering if I did the "wrong" thing.
 

sorrow1

Well-known member
I can totally relate to all those thoughts as I have had them many times in the past.

Its difficult to know what path to take when either path inevitably leads to further worries and anxieties. what's your situation with these people? Do you have to see them everyday for work or something?
If you can safely cut them from your life afterward I would go for it. What have you got to loose?
The hardest people to deal with in my past experiences are after work so******ing with colleagues and meeting new "friends of a friend" as you know these are people you will have no choice in meeting again.
I would rather give a speech to a thousand strangers who ill never see again than meet a mates new friend or girlfriend.
Its difficult to know how to advise as like you say everything seems conflicting haha.
 

worrywort

Well-known member
Thanks for the replies everyone. I wasn't really expecting advise on my current specific problem, but that was my fault, I think I worded it all a bit wrong! But I really appreciate the tips anyway.

My intention was just to share an insight I'd had; that when I experience a socially anxious moment the battle that takes place in my brain seems to have many complex layers that go really deep. With most problems I have in life, I can usually sit down and unpack my mind and I usually find that there are 2-3 conflicting thoughts or desires or problems inside of me, and I can just figure them out and get on top of it. But with social anxiety, I find that there are a great many pressures, pulling me back and forth, that are complicated and difficult to fully understand, and that also seem to cut right to the rawest, most painful parts of me. It makes me dread being asked the question, "Why?"; Why don't you want to have dinner with us? Why don't you socialize like most people? Why don't you have a girlfriend? etc. It's really hard to find simple answers to these questions. There are so many layers of reasons, I can never quite get a grip of it all. It seems to go beyond my levels of comprehension.

But I was really just wondering if other's can relate, and whether the battle in your brain is similar, or whether there are different pressures pulling you around?
 

emptybench

Well-known member
I have quite similar thoughts. Maybe it's the struggle between "being yourself" and adapting to the world. Unfortunately being myself hasn't worked, just made me depressed. So I'm trying to change in small steps. It's painful to change, but we have no other option. I think you should try to go even if you don't enjoy it (of course, in case you don't want to end up too isolated).
 
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