Selfish for letting people in

Should someone who has a tendency to try to remove themselves from the world keep people at bay? It feels like a catch-22, if we do the isolation wears on you and creates a terrible loneliness, and just keeps things bad. But if we don't, and let people in when the tides are high and the sun is shinning, we risk when it gets dark creating so much more pain than had we stayed alone.

I feel taking steps to get my life under control and SA and depression and whatever the hell my problem is requires other people, since there is only so much one can do alone, especially when interaction with humans is part of the problem to begin with. But what if I'm hopeless? What if I'm destined to repeat the same routine until I succeed?

I was dating someone a few years ago, and it was a time when I was making huge progress with my problems and taking real steps forward. It eventually started t peter out though, and I got back to a place I didn't want to be. She said she never loved me in the end, but I still can't imagine how horrible it must of been for her when she had to call 911 when she found me. How could I not care, or not realize, what I was doing?

What if I get there again? I'm with someone who actually loves me now, am I selfish for letting that happen? I don't feel strong enough to deal with all the challenges thrown at me in life. I'm mad at myself for letting things build up to an overwhelming point. Maybe it's moments like these that define what kind of person I really am. I know I've felt like a shitty person for a while now, but I hadn't had many opportunities to right that.

For once I really feel like I don't know myself. I'm as unsure as to what actions I'm going to take over the next few days as a stranger might be.

You could say I'm a stranger to myself.

You need to tackle this one step at a time. I think getting into a relationship would be too much for most people like us to handle, and that could be interpreted as selfish. Though I would rather say negligent. You have thought patterns and behavioural patterns that have been ingrained. It's like muscle memory that someone is trying to correct, it's going to take a certain amount of repetition to ingrain a new pattern of behaviour until it becomes naturally expressed in pressure situations. I think starting with your thoughts is the first place to start and, in my case, working on a repertoire for conversation to give me something tangible to work from. I can really say what path you need to take as I don't know your needs or where you are at right now. But one thing I can safely say, you are not hopelesss! You can always do something to improve yourself socially, you just need to know what you need to improve and how to do it.

Existing with other human beings is a process of discovering and refining ourselves through interaction. Our problems are our responsibilities, but also something no one gets to escape having in life. The process just shouldn't be willfully harmful and exploitative--that's my problem with society.

I think about this a lot too sometimes. In general, no, I don't it's selfish to let people in before they know everything about you. That's how relationships work. Everybody has baggage, and if we all dumped it on the other persons doorstep as soon as we met them, we'd risk killing the relationship before it's even started. But there are some things that ought to be said, and certain times when it's right to say them. i.e. if one person is looking for marriage and kids, while the other isn't, that's something that might need to be said before things get too heavy.

I feel like your concerns with SA and depression are one of those things that would be better out in the open, but I'm not sure. Perhaps it depends on the person you're telling it to. Do you think they'd understand? If not perhaps you could let them know slowly and gradually. The best relationships I've had have been the ones where I've been able to tell the other person all about my baggage, and they told me all about theirs, and yet we still like and accept each other regardless. But some relationships I just sense the other person wouldn't understand the full truth, and so our relationship never gets beyond a certain depth. Perhaps it requires a risk on our part on occasions.

Or maybe if you can find ways to confess your worries without putting any of the responsibility on the other person. Making sure they know it's 100% your issue, and you don't expect anything from them. Then at least you might feel better that it's out in the open. Because SA and depression is nothing to be ashamed of. It's incredibly common nowadays. You may find other people are more understanding than you think.

Also, don't forget that just because you have these concerns, doesn't mean you don't have loads of other good qualities to offer another person in a relationship, so in that sense it's not selfish to let people in. If you're with someone who loves you now, then that's something, you know?

Anyway, I'm not sure if I've gone off on a tangent, but I hope you find the answers you're looking for.