Hello fellow sufferers,
I have OCD on many different subjects. Contamination OCD, but also sometimes severe guilt towards my girlfriend. I hope you will read my story and maybe give some advice.
Saturday night I went to a party of some students of the same faculty as I went to. Iím graduated so I donít know them that well since we never had the same classes. My friends and I split up and it is always easier to talk to strangers when youíre a little lose through some alcohol.
I ended up drinking bizarre amounts of alcohol because some people were doing a drinking game and I was tipsy and happy enough to think it was a good idea to join them. It was a drinking game with vodka, so it was a very bad decision to join.
I went to a couch to rest after the alcohol just hit me like a brick. I couldnít talk properly and I felt really sad and miserable all of a sudden. Then my ex girlfriend comes to me and started talking to me. I send my brother a text message that I want to leave. The next 5 or 10 minutes are extremely vague and blurry and I cannot remember a lot. My ex told me she and her boyfriend split up a month ago and she was very sad about it. I told her something like how she is ďsuch a wonderful pretty girlĒ or something of those words and that I hoped she would soon find some guy who would make her happy. I gave her a hug or a kiss or something, but I CANNOT REMEMBER EXACTLY!!! That is so horrible. I hope I gave her a hug or three kisses on the cheeks, but Iím so scared she kissed me on the mouth or I kissed her. :( She always seems to make advances on me when I see her, and thatís why I thought it could be a possibility. On the other hand, she slept with some guy at the party, so it would be highly unlikely she would also hit on me. Still, I donít knowÖÖÖ
OK, Yesterday and today I talked to my brother about it, and he said that I have nothing to worry about and that nothing happened and he would bet his foot (!) on it. Haha. Still, he wasnít there 100% of the time when I talked to her. He told me I was never alone with her and that I didnít kiss her when he was there.
I also called my ex today who said that according to her nothing happened and I have nothing to worry about. But she also said she was very drunk and things were also blurry for her. She said I didnít kiss her and she was absolutely sure about it. But then she said: ďmaybe an (accidental) short kiss?Ē WTF! I know I didnít kiss her with tongue and stuff, but I want to make sure my lips didnít touch hers. Even if our lips would touch slightly I would feel horribly guilty towards my girlfriend.
I went home absolutely panicking and crying. I came home where my girlfriend was sleeping and I couldnít stop shaking, crying or control my breathing.
Yesterday (Sunday, the day after) I didnít ate anything except for one sandwich. I did eat dinner though, but that is not a lot of food for a guy of 6í4 and 85 kilograms.
This morning I thought I would pass out because of my panic attacks and lack of eating and sleeping.
Tomorrow I will see my therapist about this. Still I feel horrible. Iím not even hungry while I only ate a few nuts today.
I cannot talk about this with my girlfriend because she is highly sensitive and maybe a bit insecure. So there is a possibility I would hurt her and our relationship would come in trouble when it is maybe only my OCD. Or she would think Iím insane.
I hope you have some advice.