Severely depressed over graduating college single/friendless

don21

Member
I just graduated college and didn't make a single friend all 4 years I was there. I also have never had a girlfriend and I've wanted one more than anything for longer than I can remember. I'm extremely lonely. I feel like it's only going to be harder now that I'm out of school.

I'm considering trying online dating, but also very scared to do it as my anxiety is bad. There is also the problem that I don't have a job and can't just say I'm a student anymore. I feel like no girl is going to take an unemployed 22 year old guy seriously. I am looking for a job, but I apply very selectively as my anxiety only permits me to do certain things. I already bombed 2 phone interviews since I started my post college job search last week. One was my dream job too. It's really discouraging. I feel like it's going to take me months to find a job.

Is getting a job a prerequisite to getting a girlfriend? Should I bother with online dating before I get a job? There is also the issue that I have no friends so all my profile pictures are going to be selfies. Is this going to turn girls off as I have no "social proof"?

I want a girlfriend so bad. It's making me so depressed seeing people my age getting engaged when I've never even been on a date.
 

State_Of_Trance

Well-known member
I'm also a 22 year old dude who made no friends in college, just graduated, and has never had a girlfriend. Afraid I can't offer anything other than solidarity. *nervous chuckle*

Let me know if you make any progress!
 

DanielLewis

Well-known member
How much of an effort did you make to talk to people in college? I know it's a little late to hear this since you already graduated, but college should've been your training ground for self-improvement, and it's the perfect place. Everyone in college is looking to have a great social experience, make new friends, find a significant other, etc. So mostly everyone would've been completely open to you talking to them and trying to build relationships. I know this is extremely hard with SA. No doubt you would've struggled and some people you approached would've found you weird, awkward, or been turned off by you (girls too). But, the bottom line is that you have to go through the struggle at some point to get to the light at the end of the tunnel. College just would've been the perfect place to make that happen. So you should've saw your purpose at college as dual-fold: education and social improvement.

Now, college is over. I get it. You feel like you sort of wasted an important part of your life socially. I don't know how your education went. I hope that was a success. If I were you, I'd get a job first before looking for a girlfriend. A guy your age without a job is a turnoff for women. And if you go on a date with a women and when she asks you what you do for a living it will only make you feel more uncomfortable having to hide your unemployment or telling the truth. So, get a job.

Next, you sound like you don't have any friends. If I were you (which I am sort of. I pretty much have no friends) I would focus on just improving your social skills and dealing with SA so you can more easily connect with people and build relationships. Until you learn how to do that, getting a girlfriend (let alone a high quality one), will be very difficult. Also, you'll find more satisfaction in getting a social life with friends first before going straight to looking for a girlfriend. That's just the route I would take if I were you. If you learn how to talk to people and be more open in everyday life, then things will start to connect for you. You'll meet friends. You'll meet a girlfriend. Like seriously, it will just happen.

Don't feel bad. I'm 24-years-old and I've only been on 2 dates and I got rejected after that. The inexperience got me. I was too uncomfortable, too much SA, and didn't know how to deal with woman. I learned a lot from that one experience and one thing I learned is to never need a woman. Wanting a woman in your life is okay, but feeling needy just puts you in a bad mindset and turns women off. Have other things to focus on in life. Women don't come first for me anymore. Become a catch first and then the women will flock to you like seagulls to a slice of bread.

Am I saying don't go for a date then or try online dating? No. I'm just saying I think you're in the wrong mindset if you think finding a girlfriend will end your depression and make you happy. Be happy single first. It's more attractive anyway to women.
 
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Megaten

Well-known member
I would try and focus on getting more comfortable in social situations to be honest. Not because I feel you're not good enough to go on dates or anything. But because of the possibility of you running into other problems. I met a woman on a dating site once and we hit it off online. I was witty and whatnot and she liked my sense of humor but I made sure to tell her I was really shy. She said this was ok with her. Well anyways when we met it was insanely awkward. She dragged me from one nightclub to the next and wanted to dance. Well I dont dance. I kinda stood around and she kinda stood around too. After that she just said "im not feeling it" and she never spoke to me after that. Id rather have avoided that because it made my anxiety and depression much worse and set me back like a whole year. So I would say try getting involved with social groups around town or something to make friends and get comfortable with people. It can help with your career goals too as knowing more people is always a plus.
 

don21

Member
How much of an effort did you make to talk to people in college? I know it's a little late to hear this since you already graduated, but college should've been your training ground for self-improvement, and it's the perfect place. Everyone in college is looking to have a great social experience, make new friends, find a significant other, etc. So mostly everyone would've been completely open to you talking to them and trying to build relationships. I know this is extremely hard with SA. No doubt you would've struggled and some people you approached would've found you weird, awkward, or been turned off by you (girls too). But, the bottom line is that you have to go through the struggle at some point to get to the light at the end of the tunnel. College just would've been the perfect place to make that happen. So you should've saw your purpose at college as dual-fold: education and social improvement.

Now, college is over. I get it. You feel like you sort of wasted an important part of your life socially. I don't know how your education went. I hope that was a success. If I were you, I'd get a job first before looking for a girlfriend. A guy your age without a job is a turnoff for women. And if you go on a date with a women and when she asks you what you do for a living it will only make you feel more uncomfortable having to hide your unemployment or telling the truth. So, get a job.

Next, you sound like you don't have any friends. If I were you (which I am sort of. I pretty much have no friends) I would focus on just improving your social skills and dealing with SA so you can more easily connect with people and build relationships. Until you learn how to do that, getting a girlfriend (let alone a high quality one), will be very difficult. Also, you'll find more satisfaction in getting a social life with friends first before going straight to looking for a girlfriend. That's just the route I would take if I were you. If you learn how to talk to people and be more open in everyday life, then things will start to connect for you. You'll meet friends. You'll meet a girlfriend. Like seriously, it will just happen.

Don't feel bad. I'm 24-years-old and I've only been on 2 dates and I got rejected after that. The inexperience got me. I was too uncomfortable, too much SA, and didn't know how to deal with woman. I learned a lot from that one experience and one thing I learned is to never need a woman. Wanting a woman in your life is okay, but feeling needy just puts you in a bad mindset and turns women off. Have other things to focus on in life. Women don't come first for me anymore. Become a catch first and then the women will flock to you like seagulls to a slice of bread.

Am I saying don't go for a date then or try online dating? No. I'm just saying I think you're in the wrong mindset if you think finding a girlfriend will end your depression and make you happy. Be happy single first. It's more attractive anyway to women.

Going into college i told myself I was going to change and be outgoing. I tried the first few weeks to make friends. I was really awkward because of my stunted social skills. I found it very hard to maintain conversations, but I was trying and doing more than I had ever done before. It just wasn't enough. I then went to therapy/medication once I realized that I needed serious help. I didn't really help enough. I pushed myself out of my comfort zone, but not really enough to make friends. I was too scared to join clubs. I guess by my third year, I got really discouraged and gave up just hoping a miracle was going to happen. It didn't help that I went to a commuter school. Even a lot of socially normal people said they found it hard to make friends at my university.
 

awkwardamanda

Well-known member
I get it. I didn't make a single friend at school either. I regret that. I talked to a few people in class a bit, but they were never more than acquaintances. I wanted to get to know more people and I was jealous of classmates that clearly got along outside of class.

After I graduated, I couldn't bring myself to really put the effort into job hunting and got stuck in retail too long. Then I was unemployed for awhile. I'm still in an unstable work situation. I really didn't want to date anyone all that time because I was so unhappy with myself for being unemployed/underemployed. Not that I had the chance to date anyone, but I was always too self-conscious to even consider it if the opportunity came up. I suggest focusing on finding a job first. You'll likely be more confident once that happens and it will make the dating game slightly easier. At least you've gotten phone interviews. That's a start.
 

DanielLewis

Well-known member
Going into college i told myself I was going to change and be outgoing. I tried the first few weeks to make friends. I was really awkward because of my stunted social skills. I found it very hard to maintain conversations, but I was trying and doing more than I had ever done before. It just wasn't enough. I then went to therapy/medication once I realized that I needed serious help. I didn't really help enough. I pushed myself out of my comfort zone, but not really enough to make friends. I was too scared to join clubs. I guess by my third year, I got really discouraged and gave up just hoping a miracle was going to happen. It didn't help that I went to a commuter school. Even a lot of socially normal people said they found it hard to make friends at my university.

Well it's good to hear that you did make some effort. If you do that, then at least you can sit back and give yourself a pad on the back for trying. You can still feel good about that despite the results.

The hard part about getting good at anything is being persistent and believing in yourself. You lost both of those at some point in your college experience. "I gave up....and "I was too scared to join clubs." You gotta keep with it. Take small steps everyday. Observe outgoing and socially skilled people and likeable people. What is it about them that makes them successful socially? Don't get me wrong. I'm not saying don't be yourself, but it's not wrong or bad to learn from others who are good at something. They're like your silent teacher. You just have to look at their core qualities. For example, likeable people seem to be happy all the time. Even if you're not feeling that way, just smile more and put off a happier attitude around people. Smile more while your talking. Laugh at people's jokes and accept them for who they are. Take an interest in them. Ask questions about their life. This makes them like you more.

I'm not saying to be fake. This is a learning process and is doing the opposite any better? I still feel pretty awkward in social situations and struggle to talk to people, but I'm seeing very small improvements. I credit part of that from learning from watching others. I make sure to smile more and I take more of an interest in others. Many other people still see me as shy and closed off, but it has allowed me to actually feel somewhat connected and talk to some people at my work. I tend to have a hard time coming up with a conversation 'opener' but I usually just ask a question. 'Hey, how's it going?' 'Hey how was your vacation? What did you do?' to coworker whose back on vacation.

I mean, this sort of stuff is more of a temporary crutch for me. It helps me to cope at work and in other places, but I still don't feel in touch with myself and like I'm expressing who I really am. There still needs to be an internal change, because I still feel scared and anxious in social situations. Sometimes, that's normal for everyone, but obviously it's on another level for people with SA.
 
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