Shy & shy in love - communication problem, help!

Hi. I have a big problem with a shy man, hope someone can help me. I’m a private tutor, and I fell for my student. Well, to be exact he fell for me first, but that’s irrelevant I think. No crime - he is 37 and I’m ten years younger. He is a shy man but he has shown that he likes me and even tried to ask me out (I couldn’t go because of work etc. and explained that to him, not sure if he believed). That has put him off a little :[ So I decided to show him I also like him, and tried to ask him out, but that time it was him, who had to say no because of work. I thought ok, I’ll try again next time but… he cancelled next two lessons (reason: work). And here goes the strange: We are friends on facebook and after that he starts playing love songs. His friends criticized him, he didn’t react. I didn’t think at first it could be for me (I’m shy myself), but after a day a decided to like that list, and just a minute after my like, he writes back to his friends, that he doesn’t care they don’t like it. (since I’m shy I still have doubts if it’s relevant, I would appreciate your opinion). After that ho cancelled another 2 lessons. I had some family issues and didn’t even write back. Here comes the time for another lessons, and he doesn’t write. So I wrote to him. (all e-mail communication) He didn’t answer, so I wrote a text message. After a long time he writes me he cancels our (tomorrows!) lesson again, because he just got back from a trip and is tired. And he will contact me about the next lesson. From that e-mail I could tell he’s pissed, but didn’t understand why… I don’t know what to think.
Important – he said something once about being hurt before, but he didn’t want to talk about it, so I don’t know the details.

Sorry it is so long, but I hope someone will read it, I’m desperate to make it right. Please HELP!

"I'm desperate to make it right." What have you done wrong, though?

I say just tell him outright through any medium that's comfortable for you that you want to date him. Being forthright and not beating around the bush is the key to get him to reply accordingly. If he likes you and he's shy, he will like not having to do the initial work.

Hello!!

Sounds to me like you already know what the problem is... "communication problem"

I am in no means an expert so take what I have to say with a grain of salt...

Your story is very interesting! with loads of ambiguity and confused interpretation of your students behavior... so i say confront him with concise and to the point questions and expectations to allow both of you to fully comprehend where you both stand, leaving no questions, self doubt or regret later down the track.

I understand it can be difficult to open yourself up like that (make you feel vulnerable), but sometimes its better to not beat around the bush as it just confuses the situation.

It sounds like he may be scared. The songs on facebook thing are like those things on volcanos before it's about to erupt, where some magma escapes out of the side of the mountain. It's a pressure release mechanism but in his case it's emotional energy. An outpouring. It's a way of expressing how he feels but totally indirectly to you, because it feels "safe". Yet despite that, you liking his playlist of songs was validation for his actions, and it gave him confidence to react to his friends and say he didn't care what they think (because he had *your* validation). You liking that list probably made him feel really great, I know I would.

Him opening up to you during lessons and telling you things is a really good sign. But it's a subconscious thing. What you need is the conscious acknowledgement, as you you seem to realise. What I think is happening, is that he is too scared. You both are, and it's making it very difficult for you both. You're both afraid of being hurt. Maybe you need to write this exact statement down in an email to him - and it might make him open his eyes. If he is a truly shy man, the idea of a girl reciprocating his interest can actually be enough to make them avoidant, even run away. It sounds totally bizarre, but understand that sometimes for a shy man, the idea of a girl saying "yes" is even harder than her saying "no", because it means suddenly everything has significance and meaning, etc. The ball is rolling. Do you understand? This fear can be enough to override the fact that he does like you.

Communicate with him, maybe try to illustrate that you are attempting to reach a middle point with him and you're both scared and shy, and that this is making it hard. Try to get him to see this and acknowledge it. He may relax enough to say "Oh wow yes, you are right." and talk with you more. Hang in there. I hope it works out. Don't let the opportunity die because of presumed disinterest. You will both kick yourself if you don't truly find out what might have been.

I wish I had luck like he has. (I'm 35 and never lucky enough to find anyone ;x)

Asaratte said:

Scrobes:
Thank you. What you wrote helped me see the situation better. However I have a question: why play those songs, and cancel our meetings at the same time? I would like nothing more than to tell him everything, but the problem is he is my student. From my point of view its already strange to ask a student out, I have this big problem with what’s “proper”. If we were simply friends or something like that it would be ok, but this way… I don’t know if I can… it’s probably stupid, but this is how I am. And I don’t know how he sees it… like I wrote I am ten years younger than him, how do men see that kind of age difference? You are similar age to him, could you tell me?

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You're welcome, I like helping. It satisfies my sense of cosmic justice to see two ppl get together in situations like these. It gives me hope.

You ask some good questions. Why he cancelled? I was initially going to say that I just don't know. ;x It's a very tricky question. I believe 100% in the answers I gave you in my first reply. But yes, him cancelling is a tough one. After reading what you wrote next, I think I understood a possibility of why.

The part about being proper and that he is your student, is totally fine. I perfectly understand believe me. I have strong morals and I'm a bit old fashioned, so I truly understand your reticence here. After reading this, I did now wonder if that is also making him a little uncomfortable in his own way? That... he realises something is happening a bit between you, and as your student, he might want to be proper too?

As for the age difference. For me personally as a loveshy male, it would make me feel a lot more comfortable with interest being shown to me from a girl younger than me, than someone of a comparable age. But this is loosely because, I correlate "relationship experience" with age, and I know that is quite risky. But it is more that, physically I may be 35, but emotionally, I am much much younger. He might be similar, he might not be. It translates to a greater comfort level with a younger girl because it matches how we are internally. Hopefully that makes sense. It really depends on his background though, but for me, um.. if I were in his shoes, I'd not have a problem if you were younger than me. (And I kind of suck at telling ages anyway, which is not great I know.) He may not put any emphasis on age but just know that you're "younger". Hard to say.

You're not stupid, trust me. That sort of sense of propriety is something to be respected. It's nice to hear (for me anyway). Of course, should things happen, then one may dispense with propriety a bit. The thing is, student or not, ppl do meet in all walks of life. I mean.. you shouldn't feel too bad, okay? Yes he's your student, but I don't think it's as big a thing as you maybe think it is. It might be if it was something like lawyer/client, psychiatrist/patient, etc. Hopefully you see what I mean. In the end, it is up to you, and it is up to him. If you are both comfortable (which okay, you will need to discover), then it doesn't matter I suppose?

You guys need to communicate. Wait untill he's ready for a session and bring it up.

Damn it, I wanted to edit my post, and then I accidently deleted it :kickingmyself:

Well, the way you have described your situation with this guy, that´s exactly what I would call difficult communication. I understand that you have had some good conversations with him -- but the communication that is going on when you are trying to understand each others behaviour - that is where I see the difficulty.

Asaratte said:

Scrobes:
Thank you once again. You gave me some hope. About his experience I know he's been hurt before. He didn’t tell me the details, he never speaks about other women with me. It just slipped one time.
I would like to ask you about two more things if I may.
First: How do I tell him that he’s special to me? In a way he won’t think it’s a joke or whim. He is old fashioned like you (from what he told me) and I don’t want to scare him… I’m old fashioned myself and it’s completely awkward situation for me. I’m not sure what I can and can’t.
Second: His behavior makes me think that he thinks I’m playing with him or something like that. I’m scared. He does not want/have time to see me, so how do I show him otherwise? What if he decides to resign from our lessons? These are my thought’s all the time. They’re killing me. Is there any way out of this situation? Can I do something? I don’t know how to approach him, he never answers my text messages, prefers e-mail. Rarely replies, unless I ask some question (we share interests, so sometimes I send him stuff). I sometimes think, that he’s not shy, just uninterested. But when we meet I know he is. It’s visible (and he did ask me out). So the question is how? How do I show it? I don’t want to push him if he’s not ready, but it’s hard for me too… Is there any safe way? Safe for both of us?

I hope I don’t annoy you with all these questions.

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You're not annoying me at all, don't worry. I just wish I could help better.

I guess maybe he doesn't want to speak about other women with you because he's too shy to, and maybe assumes you don't want to hear about any of that (which isn't an unreasonable assumption). Maybe he *has* wanted to, but feels awful doing it, because it makes him hurt or feel like he's no good?

To answer you. Um.. was trying to think of something. I had an idea, but it might be silly. The idea was to tell him you like him, but in the language that you're teaching him in (you can do it by email maybe). The idea being it would break the ice a bit, and then right after that you say it in English and with a bit more detail (as you see fit). You could even translate "You're special to me," or whatever you think is best. It's so tricky, because it's like one of you has to be the vulnerable one and say the first thing maybe. Say it, and with no ambiguity. :<

I would be careful drawing any conclusions about his behavior. I know it's easy to formulate a structure of "what-ifs" from someone's actions, but it's just too risky, and you never really know if you are right or not. It might seem that his behavior feels like he thinks you're playing with him, but it could just be blurry mis-understanding, or general apprehension. Try not to read too much into what he is doing unless it is absolute black and white, because you may only worry yourself to death over imagined actions/attitudes. :/

If he decides to stop having lessons it doesn't mean you can't remain in touch - you can still ask him to keep in touch I suppose. I think one idea is to come to him from a direction of empathy. State how you understand he's been hurt in the past, or that you're guessing he might have been, judging by what little things he has revealed to you. State how you've been hurt in the past as well, so you are in a similar position. Putting yourself in the same boat as him helps keep him reassured in a way. Then from there state how you feel close to him and would be nice to know if he feels something similar to you. Something like that? If you come from a position of understanding him, I feel he would be less likely to run away. But I am guessing a bit because I don't know him at all. So bear that in mind. :<

I don't know if there is an infallible safe way. Sorry to disappoint you there. I know it's tough to work out if it's shyness or disinterest, but you are only really going to find out if you ask. :\ If you do write something in an email. Write it out, proof read it, and then don't send it yet. Go to sleep, and the next day proof read it again, and then when you're happy, send that.