sandycooper
New member
I'm about to write a bit about my shyness problem here. What I'm thinking now is: why write about it, they all know what it's like, they don't care. That's one of the most frequent thoughts I get when I'm meeting new people.
I really like the company of other people, I'm actually very talkative with my friends and aquaintances, but when it comes to presenting myself to new people I always feel like it's pointless because they don't want to hear about me anyway and if they ask me questions it's just because they're trying to be nice (even though I don't consider myself boring or uninteresting - I have my passions, hobbies and views of the world that I want to share).
I often hear this (from the people who had enough interest and patience to talk to me a bit more and actually ask questions) that they didn't expect that I actually have so much to say, they can really relate to me and actually like talking to me.
This gets me down, because I feel like it's me who should be controlling how I present myself to the people and I always end up relying upon their interest. I fear rejection and humiliation so much that I'd rather seem boring and in a way derogate myself, so that I don't let people down with being just me.
When it comes to contacts with the opposite sex I have no problems interacting with guys as long as I don't like them. I don't lose my tongue, I can have a conversation with a guy I like, but I become very cool and indifferent with him, because I panically fear he will know I like him. I'm always pretty sure that if he knew, he would wonder how I could even think about him in that way if I'm only me and I have nothing to offer him. I don't think I'm ugly, but I seem to struggle with some inferiority complex. Some of my male friends told me that when they first met me, they thought I was very pretty and - because of that - conceited. It really frustrates me that I'm often considered as a cool, resolute person, because these are the traits people "stick" to you and usually don't imagine that this very same person could in specific situations act in a completely opposite way. Sometimes I wish I wasn't so talkative and remained reserved at all times, because it seems to me that people understand this kind of behavior a lot easier than these twisted attitudes of mine.
I'm 22 years old and I have been single for the last 3 years, which didn't bother me at all, I felt quite comfortable like this. I've never been flirtatious, I never understood the idea of flirting for fun, I've always been pretty serious about feelings and relationships. Last winter I met a guy (through friends from another college at some party) and it so happened that we started talking a lot. We have a lot in common and I feel like I can really relate to him. I noticed that he is shy as well, even more than I am. He sometimes suggests to meet, but it's usually my initiative (which is an extremely hard thing for me to do, because whenever I'm about to call him I'm convinced that: he's busy, doesn't want to talk to me, doesn't care how my day was or undoubtedly won't have time to meet me. I'm never right - he always wants to talk to me and is always very happy to accept my invitation to any silly reason for meeting me I can think of - but the anxiety is still there). However, whenever the conversation goes towards relating to feelings and relationships we both seem to shy away - he changes the subject and I start talking as if I didn't care (and yell inside my head: "stupid, stupid, stupid!"). Once we get to these topics I feel like there's a wall between us and it just happens in a few seconds that we are strangers again. The subject changes and we are as engaged in the conversation as if there was no feelings talk at all. I know that he has been hurt by a girl in the past, yet he won't talk to me about it. From what he says, what I know from his friends and my own observations, he is very sensitive and he kind of resigned from trying to get into close relationships. Once we were walking in the mall and a girl was checking him out, which we both noticed (he's quite handsome) and I joked in a cheeky way that if he wants to find a girlfriend he shouldn't be walking around with me and he said that he's not looking for one and he will see what life brings. My not-shy best friend interpreted this as an ultimate "I'm not interested" statement, but as I shy person I totally understand his point of view, I would probably react exactly the same way to this kind of remark.
Every once in a while he acts weird, as if he wanted to say or do something and I can see that, feel awkward, too and hear "ok, forget it". I feel like all I can do is be patient, keep close and show that I'm always there for him. I've never put so much effort in any relationship I've had - I'd always give up thinking that "if he likes me, he'll do something", but I know that with this guy it's different, as I'm aware of his perception of these things. I just have these anxities that I'm building this relationship in small steps with a lot of difficulties and - as it often happens in life - a bold flibbertigibbet will come along and draw his attention to her confidence and that will be it...
Sorry for the essay size of my thread, I tried to make it short, but it isn't...
I don't really expect anyone to give me perfect advice or solutions for shyness, I just felt like sharing with people that might understand me more than my best friend, for the simple reason - she is not a shy person.
I really like the company of other people, I'm actually very talkative with my friends and aquaintances, but when it comes to presenting myself to new people I always feel like it's pointless because they don't want to hear about me anyway and if they ask me questions it's just because they're trying to be nice (even though I don't consider myself boring or uninteresting - I have my passions, hobbies and views of the world that I want to share).
I often hear this (from the people who had enough interest and patience to talk to me a bit more and actually ask questions) that they didn't expect that I actually have so much to say, they can really relate to me and actually like talking to me.
This gets me down, because I feel like it's me who should be controlling how I present myself to the people and I always end up relying upon their interest. I fear rejection and humiliation so much that I'd rather seem boring and in a way derogate myself, so that I don't let people down with being just me.
When it comes to contacts with the opposite sex I have no problems interacting with guys as long as I don't like them. I don't lose my tongue, I can have a conversation with a guy I like, but I become very cool and indifferent with him, because I panically fear he will know I like him. I'm always pretty sure that if he knew, he would wonder how I could even think about him in that way if I'm only me and I have nothing to offer him. I don't think I'm ugly, but I seem to struggle with some inferiority complex. Some of my male friends told me that when they first met me, they thought I was very pretty and - because of that - conceited. It really frustrates me that I'm often considered as a cool, resolute person, because these are the traits people "stick" to you and usually don't imagine that this very same person could in specific situations act in a completely opposite way. Sometimes I wish I wasn't so talkative and remained reserved at all times, because it seems to me that people understand this kind of behavior a lot easier than these twisted attitudes of mine.
I'm 22 years old and I have been single for the last 3 years, which didn't bother me at all, I felt quite comfortable like this. I've never been flirtatious, I never understood the idea of flirting for fun, I've always been pretty serious about feelings and relationships. Last winter I met a guy (through friends from another college at some party) and it so happened that we started talking a lot. We have a lot in common and I feel like I can really relate to him. I noticed that he is shy as well, even more than I am. He sometimes suggests to meet, but it's usually my initiative (which is an extremely hard thing for me to do, because whenever I'm about to call him I'm convinced that: he's busy, doesn't want to talk to me, doesn't care how my day was or undoubtedly won't have time to meet me. I'm never right - he always wants to talk to me and is always very happy to accept my invitation to any silly reason for meeting me I can think of - but the anxiety is still there). However, whenever the conversation goes towards relating to feelings and relationships we both seem to shy away - he changes the subject and I start talking as if I didn't care (and yell inside my head: "stupid, stupid, stupid!"). Once we get to these topics I feel like there's a wall between us and it just happens in a few seconds that we are strangers again. The subject changes and we are as engaged in the conversation as if there was no feelings talk at all. I know that he has been hurt by a girl in the past, yet he won't talk to me about it. From what he says, what I know from his friends and my own observations, he is very sensitive and he kind of resigned from trying to get into close relationships. Once we were walking in the mall and a girl was checking him out, which we both noticed (he's quite handsome) and I joked in a cheeky way that if he wants to find a girlfriend he shouldn't be walking around with me and he said that he's not looking for one and he will see what life brings. My not-shy best friend interpreted this as an ultimate "I'm not interested" statement, but as I shy person I totally understand his point of view, I would probably react exactly the same way to this kind of remark.
Every once in a while he acts weird, as if he wanted to say or do something and I can see that, feel awkward, too and hear "ok, forget it". I feel like all I can do is be patient, keep close and show that I'm always there for him. I've never put so much effort in any relationship I've had - I'd always give up thinking that "if he likes me, he'll do something", but I know that with this guy it's different, as I'm aware of his perception of these things. I just have these anxities that I'm building this relationship in small steps with a lot of difficulties and - as it often happens in life - a bold flibbertigibbet will come along and draw his attention to her confidence and that will be it...
Sorry for the essay size of my thread, I tried to make it short, but it isn't...
I don't really expect anyone to give me perfect advice or solutions for shyness, I just felt like sharing with people that might understand me more than my best friend, for the simple reason - she is not a shy person.