Sing! Sing! Sing!

I wanted to return the favor that you've done by taking time out of your day to take interest in my journal as well of that of my friend Bella’s. =] Thank you for that. I’m going to say/ask stuff in order of your two posts that you currently have, so this is for both of your entries. I apologize in advanced for the length.



I’m starting to think that ‘thought dumps’ can be excellent ways of both bouncing ideas off of yourself as well as sometimes others. Maybe even the act of writing out a thought can help organize it and put it into a new perspective. =]

I can relate to the feeling of not wanting to talk about the past and dealing with it, but I’m happy to hear about what you trust can be shared.

I like to hope that not all people use others intentionally, that maybe some people are too caught up in the dilemmas in their own life to see the full effect of their actions to those around them…But it sometimes eats away at you, the realization that the person(s) you care for, couldn't care less for you…

I like to shy away now from those kinds of toxic relationships, but it was a long time in my life before I was able to say “No.” to people. By no means is it easy, I think it’s probably even more difficult if you are shy or have anxieties as well.
All I can say is that it feels amazing to stand up for yourself, once you've grown confidence enough to do so.


Counseling is difficult, I completely agree with you. It feels like a major inconvenience; personally even when I’m talking to my husband and I say a sentence that is about me or my feelings, I feel wracked in guilt for putting my issues onto him…I struggle to talk to a counselor when I go to the youth shelter ROOF in my town. I feel like her time that she’s there could be better spent with another youth…But then once the session starts it becomes slightly easier to talk. Lol, I still don’t much like it either.

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My goodness, I know how draining that is. Even me just reading that, my heart goes out to you…family feuds are exhausting strains. Especially when it’s evident that it’s become an argument for argument’s sake.

Most people aren't into psychology and such so I wouldn't know whether you may have interest in it or not…but in regards to how everyone’s actions affect everyone, ultimately through time, in the world, there is a man named Sam Harris who gives an interesting look into Willpower and Free Will. It’s on YouTube if you like those sorts of things, if not feel free to disregard this paragraph of course.

I think guilt trips are a form of social immaturity/bullying. At that level of communication, it’s no longer constructive towards the conversation and becomes destructive. It became a habit of mine for a while because I was both young and had no real exposure to other forms of communication. But being alone for vast periods of time allows for rumination on many things and I've never wanted to be anything but kind, gentle, and understanding. So I do my best to put it in a way like ‘Everyone, in their own way, is just doing the best they can with the life they have been pulled through’. Experiences of my own even show that genuine hurt feelings can come from no intention towards that end, but the hurt feelings are still genuine.

Mainly, guilt trips are likely power plays, but I also believe that most people that also use them as such don’t have the emotional maturity from their life experiences to recognize the full impact of their actions.


I feel a kinship to melody and lyrics, let it inspire and move through you. Never shy from beauty that moves you.

No problem, I'm glad that what I said may be helpful =]


I hate that feeling of a day dragging on forever. It seems sometimes like a cosmic joke that days feel unbearably long, and yet time keeps launching forward. Some memories I have of when I was 3 still feel like they happened not too long ago; Boggles my mind, lol.

I've never understood how anyone can constantly ask to take time and resources from someone and somehow think and feel that it's fair to the other person.

I'm very sorry to hear about the state of family relationships that you've been dealing with, as well as your brother's current situation. It doesn't seem like your family life is a good place to be when experiencing mental health issues...You're family needs to turn the volume down and listen to the emotional needs of their children, it seems =S

Try not to let yourself feel bad for losing it though, it was a natural thing to happen; the situation you are in seems too stressful to be able to expect 100% smooth sailing from yourself.

People under stress either need a place of their own to feel safe and unwind in, or a form of company/support/shoulder. Venting is important for your own happiness and well being and lessens the likely-hood of losing it in a situation (though as I said, people get pushed past their limits sometimes).

That's an amazing thing you did, helping your brother seek help with a counselor. It's appalling that your own counselor failed to have ANY level of professionalism...I've never heard of such a violation of doctor-patient confidentiality! And your own mother doing that against you... =[ my heart goes out to you and your brother for all the upheaval in your family life...

Congratulations on the excellent exam scores so far =] Hope the rest are great too.

I personally think relationships that experience more then an allowable amount of stress and expectations is likely a toxic relationship.
Not to say that an individual is a toxic person, but frankly some people just are not compatible, no matter how much they may even care about one another. It can be hell, though, when these relationships are family members.

Sometimes the need to be what holds a family together weakens the individual acting as the glue. Sometimes it weakens the others as well because they are sheltered from the damage that they are doing to themselves and those around them. No one individual is strong enough to hold a situation together on their own; eventually the walls built to hold-together and protect others crack and fall away. That's why supportive people are such great assets. They can lift the world off of your shoulders when you feel you are being crushed.

I can understand where you are coming from for setting high expectations for yourself. I don't know if it would maybe help you personally, but when I feel down because of my high expectations that I put onto my own conduct, I try to think realistically by saying to myself, "What would I say to a friend feeling this way?" If the answer is something different then what you tell yourself, it at least gives reason to pause and reflect on :
Why there is a difference between what you expect for others then what you expect from yourself?
If there is a large difference, should you still hold those expectations, logically, to yourself?

I hope that helps, because it sounds like your grades were amazing. You deserve feeling proud of your accomplishments =]

I've been in a similar situation with a school project before. I'm very artistic and in grade 8 our art teacher handed us a list of projects to finish for the year. They were all supposed to be handed in two months before the end of school. Because I love art though, I had them finished almost immediately. A few days before the due date, my adoptive 'father' decided to throw my portfolio away...I was devastated because the grades I received for my then rushed projects was not a reflection of the passion I had actually put into the projects. It's been a long time though for me since then...I think what I took from the situation is that if in two days, I still made something worth a passing grade when it's a big project/assignment, I should be proud that with only a few days and broken spirit made a passing grade, then there is no doubt that the real projects would have been 1000x better.

"Every time I smell something that reminds me, or see something that reminds me, it's like the devil'a got hold of one arm and God's gotta hold of the other and they start to pull. And I start to tear right down deep in my groin and they keep pulling and they tear my guts in half and they tear my womb in half and they tear my lungs in half. And it's like I want them to pull harder, pull harder so they tear my heart in half and tear out my throat and split my jaw and separate my eyes. And that's what every memory of being a child is like. There's no safe place to go back to. It's just the minute I start to remember, the tearing in half begins."

Wow...that's a powerful play. I would never be strong enough to play a role like that due to my childhood; you are incredibly strong for being able to do so when you've expressed unfortunate beginnings of your own.


Hope that I've done well to offer a different perspective and advice =]

Today has been pretty good actually. Working hard as always and thinking about my future which today didn't seem so uncertain for the first time in a while. Found some inspiration and have started writing a new song which I love doing so much . Can't really complain, starting to feel better and being able to breathe again. Hopefully things continue this way!

^ Whatever this is all about, you can chat to me about it if you really do need to talk to someone.

singing-love said:

So today I have been thinking has our society become desensitized to violence and pain due to the overwhelming amounts present seemingly everywhere we look? I did a speech on this once (a terrifying experience) and it's something that really struck me. I once watched a clip at the theatre with a bunch if friends and peers, it was called "Bear" it was a short film. A man and his girlfriend argued and she went for a bike ride, mad at him because he'd "forgotten" her birthday. The moment she leaves he jumps in the car an sets up a picnic for her (she follows a normal route). He dresses as a bear to scare her towards the picnic surprise. However it goes pear shaped and she turns the other way off the side of a cliff face. He races down to her and she is alive, still conscious an talking to him. He makes he laugh acting in the bear costume when you hear this bang. The shot moves to a man at the top with a shotgun, he yelled down was the girl okay, he got the bear. The man was dead, roll credits. It sent a mixed reaction through the crowd, being an empathetic person I was shocked and saddened by this. Others around me I found laughing or confused how to feel and that's when the discussion began, have we become desensitized to violence due to an overexposure to it from a young age? I find it an interesting question, but, I can't give a definitive answer as it would be generalizing.

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The ease of access to violence, and the amount that is shown on the media and in entertainment can dull its seriousness. However, seeing it doesn't necessarily mean you're going to act it out.

You could say the same about sex, too.

MikeyC said:

The ease of access to violence, and the amount that is shown on the media and in entertainment can dull its seriousness. However, seeing it doesn't necessarily mean you're going to act it out.



You could say the same about sex, too.

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I completely agree, I'm not saying that people would act it out just that seeing violence doesn't have the same impact on people that it did say 30 years ago when these things weren't as readily available. The same can be said for sex and drugs and many things unfortunately.

singing-love said:

I completely agree, I'm not saying that people would act it out just that seeing violence doesn't have the same impact on people that it did say 30 years ago when these things weren't as readily available. The same can be said for sex and drugs and many things unfortunately.

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I can see where you're coming from there, but then again 30 years ago was the 80's, so that wasn't that long ago, haha.

The pornography explosion of recent years is causing lots of problems - a major one being erectile dysfunction in men. I foresee this getting worse. In that sense, I believe that the frequency of sex in our social lives is worse than violence, even though that's not good, either.

However, both those things are central to The Wolf of Wall Street, especially sex and drugs, and that movie ruled, haha.

MikeyC said:

I can see where you're coming from there, but then again 30 years ago was the 80's, so that wasn't that long ago, haha.



The pornography explosion of recent years is causing lots of problems - a major one being erectile dysfunction in men. I foresee this getting worse. In that sense, I believe that the frequency of sex in our social lives is worse than violence, even though that's not good, either.



However, both those things are central to The Wolf of Wall Street, especially sex and drugs, and that movie ruled, haha.

Click to expand...

I know the 80's wasn't that long ago but if you look at all the technological advances since then and the change in just television shows alone you can see the increase.

I see what you mean about overexposure to sexual content causing many serious issues within society, I couldn't agree more. None of these things are good, and you're right id say things will probably get worse unfortunately.

As for The Wolf of Wall Street you lost me lol.

The event of the other day is still constantly running through my mind. I know I should stop writing about it but I can't shake it from my mind! Part of me feels responsible and blames me for it, I didn't stop it after all. I was frozen to afraid to stop it or make a noise. I'm ashamed of myself, I didn't know what to do, I just sat there. I know I fist make the choice but I haven't told a soul what's happened I haven't spoken about, I'm just scared. I've been thinking maybe the only way for me to move on is to talk to someone I can trust about it. But I'm not much of a talker and I'm worried they will blame me to. Self hatred and shame is bad enough without adding that of others I care about. Maybe I should just stop caring, turn of like the last time it happened and just be numb to everything. I know it doesn't solve anything but it makes it easier. I don't know, I still feel so lost and now alone. It's crazy really. I just don't know anymore.

Writing this essay is painful, I've had them back to back this week and my mind is turning to mush! This one is on Shakespeare so it's really painful, but it must be done. I received my marks and ranking for each class today, three firsts and the rest of my classes I'm second in so I can't really complain. I guess I'm not quite as dumb as I think I am. Maybe...

I've written a song now, finished it today and I'm happy with the lyrics I think. It's weird to be writing again, I didn't realize how much I missed it until now. It feels so peaceful to let emotions out that way, it's great.

I have been wondering what are relationships really about? It's starting to seem that sex is a key component, I guess it kind of makes sense. I don't know how to feel about it though, it's confusing and difficult for me. Some people get so excited about it and really focus on it and I'm just not one of them, honestly it's the last thing on my mind normally. But when you have to think of another's wants it becomes more relevant. Gosh, who'd have known. They should make a handbook on it . At least I would understand what to expect and how to deal with it then.

It's been nearly a week now since the incident and I still can't sleep because it plays on my mind constantly, I nearly told someone today out of shear desperation of not wanting to keep it to myself anymore but, I stopped myself. I can't decide if that's good or not, I have dealt with much worse and yet this is the things getting to me that I can't let go, surely I can't be stuck in this mindset too much longer. Right? I don't know.

Anyway that's enough procrastinating I think .

The same emotions from last night are still plaguing me today, but, I'm pushing them to the back of my mind and keeping busy. I've been cooking up a storm today, which is nice I do love cooking. Going out for dinner tonight so that should be a good distraction and essay writing this afternoon just to keep busy. One of these days I will just relax on a weekend, soon hopefully!

It's been a rough couple of days. My step fathers dad past away on Friday and turns out I'm not important enough to be invited to the funeral, thanks for that. But, at least he is in a better place now, no one deserves to suffer like he was.

Today was crazy, a surprise visit from my mother left me well I don't even know how to describe it. I have hope that one day things will change, I know she can be a great person. Just not to me... Oh well.

I was starting to put the incident from the other week behind me when I had another similar one today. This time was different though, this time the incident left marks as a reminder. I must be a dreadful person to have bad things of all kinds continuously happen to me, right? I'm starting to think I must deserve all the bad things that have happened, and trust me that's a long list.

I should be thankful for the things that haven't happened and the things I do have. Sorry for the negativity. I am trying. Numbness is bliss, I might return to that, feelings suck sometimes.

Today my self control was slipping. I'm normally so careful around people and keep up my calm everything is okay facade, today on several occasions I barely managed to keep myself together. I would see something or hear something that would trigger the recent incidents or other memories that are best kept locked away and hidden. It's so sudden it steals your breath. It's so unlike me, I just don't know how it happened. I guess a combination of stress, trauma and lack of sleep is starting to take a little toll on me. I have to keep pushing forward though, I have to be strong and hold it together. I just have to...

I don't know how to tell people about my incidents, or if I really want to. It's not something you bring up in casual conversation. It's childish but that little part of my brain says if I don't tell anyone it will be like it never happened and I won't have to deal with it. I know that's stupid of me. I can't turn back time though and change it. I'm not much of a talker anyway, at least not when it comes to this sort of stuff. Besides I don't want to face peoples reactions, not only to the events but towards me. I'm silly I know. But I just feel (look out feelings lol) weak, scared, small, trapped, alone, overwhelmed, tired and sad really. I feel guilty like I brought it all on myself, that maybe I do deserve it, silly but it's how I feel. Anyway that's enough sharing.

On a positive note I topped my last essay and report. It's a good feeling to know that you have worked hard and managed to achieve something. Not that any one cares but me, but oh well. I'm happy for me anyway haha. Everyday is full of amazing things and amazing opportunities we just have to learn to take them, live life on the oh wells not the what ifs.

I believe that many people in life look but they do not see. The people of the world need to learn to open their ears, hearts and minds to the opportunities and people around them. If every person learnt to do this our world would be a happier place, one filled with fulfillment.

I have never laughed so much or so hard in my life I don't think. I laughed for a good 5 minutes at least, I laughed until my sides hurt, then my stomach and then even my throat. I had tears streaming down my face and looked like a crazy person but it felt so good to laugh like that (even though it hurt .) It was a good change from all the negativity. I'm normally a pretty happy person quick to smile or laugh but this was something else. The fact that other were laughing with me just seemed to make it funnier! Great time with great people and lots of laughter, life is good right now and I'm going to enjoy it !

So the funeral was today and I actually got to go, I was shocked. But thankful for the opportunity to support my family and have the chance to say goodbye. Then there was the wake everyone telling stories and lots of people crying. He touched a lot of people in his short life (only 59).

It was a good send off and at least he's not suffering any longer, he's in a better place.

I've been enjoying having my three younger cousins around me the last couple of days, they are here until Easter and I just love spending time with them. I love children they just make me so happy for some reason I've always loved them, they're innocent views and curiosity is refreshing compared to the harshness of "adult society".

They have been keeping my busy but I love it, I really do. Reminds me of how easy life can be and what it's like to be carefree and happy. There's that really special moment when a child looks at you and says I want to be you when I grow up, it just melts your heart. Going to enjoy it while it lasts .

I've been feeling rather loved today, I must say my boyfriend has quite a knack for bringing out my emotions. Mainly the good ones I'm happy to report. It's funny I'd accepted that I was most likely not going to find someone to love who would love me back, it's a pleasant surprise to be wrong. So far I've been lucky, my current boyfriend is my first and I'm very happy with him. It's an oddly invigorating feeling to have someone there to support you and love you. It's becoming easier for me to open up and he's ever so kind and patient with me so he makes it easy.

He accepts me for who I am, just as I do for him. Given my upbringing it's unusual for me to receive praise, acceptance and love from anyone but turn out that I've found someone who's willing. Or perhaps he found me . I must admit (as corny as it sounds) I feel happier and more complete now that I have love in my life and don't want to lose it. It makes me nervous of course, relationships are a lot of trust, work and compromise, but I feel that I may be able to do it. For the first time I feel that perhaps I do deserve love and happiness, that I am worthy perhaps.

Hopefully I don't screw this up, I hope not. I've made mistakes already, but I'm learning slowly. It's strange to have this level of emotion for someone, it's new and exciting and I enjoy it. I can't decide what the best part is, the new experiences, the warm feeling of love, the acceptance and happiness, they are all great. My boyfriend is lovely, I couldn't have asked for better, clearly I'm loved up .

Hm, I'm feeling kind of dulled is perhaps the right way to describe it. Not quite at that numb point that I like yet but slowly fading into it, the dulling of emotions makes it easier to bear. Today's been one of those days where you just feel terrible, not sure why probably just a combination of things that are building up. Meh. There were some good moments today as well don't get me wrong but now I feel dulled sort of desensitized and exhausted, I might go to bed I think :sad:, hopefully I will have my positivity back or I will finally be numb again, either either.