So confused and upset about my life right now...please help me, i need your help!

I hope you all don't mind me venting a little, but i NEED to, both because i cannot tell my friends how i am feeling, and i feel like i need to tell someone who i don't fear will judge me negatively and put me down, and reject me what im feeling.

Anyway, i am just having such a tough time adjusting to school this semester. I am finally living with my close friends off campus, and they're about as nice as people can get, but i still manage to get into confrontations with them. This is mainly due to my mood which has been SO up and down since school started. The reason for my intense mood swings, i am pretty sure is due to the CBT which i started two and a half weeks ago. I felt i was making such good progress, and now that i am at school, it is so hard to continue believing what i am told to do in CBT. It is so hard to stay positive, when my anxiety levels are sky rocketed for about 75% of the day.

I know i only have a year left, so leaving is NOT an option. But, then on the other hand, i am so down that i have been having a few suicidal thoughts throughout every day i am here, which scares the hell out of me! That is besides the point though, because i would never do it, no matter how low i get. But, then on the other hand, even if i did go home, i doubt it would help anything, i would only be running away from the fear, which i know does not solve anything. But, maybe going home and working on this CBT, which will probably take close to four to six months to see any real noticeable results, would be my best bet, because it would actually fix me. I really can't even fathom being a normal social human being in society at all times, like i view other people as. When i am feeling good, i get down on myself, telling myself that i don't deserve to feel this way, and im making other people feel bad by looking and displaying so much happiness, but then when i get down, i have thoughts of suicide, and the end of SAD never seems close to being with me. It seems i chose the worst time to start CBT, because it focuses a lot of your attention on your thoughts, specifically your negative ones, and it is hard to deflect them when your dealing with them and high anxiety for so much of the day.

I JUST DON'T know WHAT to do anymore! I am petrified in normal social situations, and being at school is making them so much harder. Do i run from it, and work on my therapy 100%, which would make a lot of family members angry? Or do i stick it out for a year at school, hoping to continue my CBT, and get a descent GPA? A year is just such a long time!
In my CBT guide, the instructor tells us that SAD is a paradox, and sometimes the things we think are right for SAD are not. Like, he said that when he was socially anxious, he would get so angry and throw himself into highly stressful social situations and just hope it would go away. That's what i do ALL THE TIME, and i have no other option when im at school. But, then my thought is, is it really more healthy to just not put yourself in anxious situations at all?

I just dont know anymore guys, im so torn right now. I am glad i got to vent, as i don't have a therapist here(i am actually too scared to sit in our therapy waiting room, so i choose to suffer and not go rather than risk seeing somebody i know in there). I really wich i could have a middle ground between being home and being at school.

hi and welcome to SPW.

I wish I had some good advice to give. The only suggestions I can think of is to find a good counselor who can help you use the CBT to deal with your anxiety in the school and home settings. Or contact a psychologist who can find something to help bring down the anxiety and depression levels. My heart goes out to you and wish you the best

i know how you feel. my classes started back today. i was once again plunged into that tormenting social setting. like you i have had high anxiety levels. it comes and goes, high and low. its like it clouds your mind constantly and you cant function.
try going to the library and reading books about anxiety and the sources of it. thats what im doing now. ive found things that help me understand it better. it helps to know there are reasons why it happens and there are solutions.

Hi & Welcome!

Maybe you are doing the CBT wrong?

Have you read The Feeling Good Handbook by Dr David Burns? It helped me LOTS! (He gives basics of CBT in a friendly way - didn't make me anxiety at all, gave me instant relief-??)
MAybe you just need to do it differently now that you are at school?

Also, have you tried EFT (emofree.com ) or TAT (tatlife.com )? They may help with some things.

& what is your nutrition like? Do you eat regularly and well?
(I had a friend who ate nothing for two days due to $$ and then wondered why she was frantic all the time - uhm.)

Mood swings - stay away from cookies and sugar!! I cannot emphasize how important this is!! I can get ballistic if just drinking fruit juice or such!!
Avoid soda pop and such too. What is your nutrition like?

Please don't tell yourself you need to stay positive. That would cause me more anxiety too. Know it's normal to have anxiety - before tests, before important things.. And just do it anyway, or find a different way of doing it that is not so stressful. Imagine how relieved you'll be after the test or such. (Always helped me.)

If I understand you right, you are trying to work on all your anxieties at once? How about just working on the imminent ones and leave the others for later? (Maybe make a list and write which ones you could work on now, which ones later or in holidays?)

I understand your struggle. Unfortunately I can't give you any advice but I just want you to know that I'm in the same situation. My last year of uni starts in about one month and starting next week I have to take some exams I failed during last year(about 6 of them). Last year I felt I couldn't take it anymore, the pressure was so high, I couldn't do any work and towards the end I went down. Now the summer holiday is gone and I'm supposed to start it all over again, in the same time fixing the mistakes I did last year. All the summer I stayed in my room, no contact with anyone from exterior. And the worse part I don't even see anyone to try fix this problems I have. My family doesn't understand my situation, I'm not taken seriously and if I want to do something to help myself I need motivation .. which I don't have. I know I'm not helping you in any way by telling this but I just felt like sharing.

Thank you to all for your prompt replies. It really has been such a hectic week, and those responses really help me feel better I wish i could wear a sign that said "I have social anxiety, im not trying to ignore you, im just scared of you." Lol, wouldn't that make school social situations so much easier if this was socially accepted?

Anyway, 'Guessed', thanks for the response. Just the fact that you took the time to respond means a lot to me. And, i will think about finding a counselor at school, or i will contact my previous therapist from home to do phone interviews. I'm just not too confident this will help me, at the point i am at now.

"DoubleM', thanks for the response. I actually have tried the book thing in the past, and i did find it helped me get some grounding a few years ago when my anxiety first came into play in my life. Now, i feel it is just a distraction from the anxiety, and it kind of makes me think more inward about other things that can be wrong with me. Therefore, im trying the CBT thing to try to get positive for once

Hey 'Feathers' thanks for your very nice reply I have actually read that book, believe it or not. It was over three years ago though, and i didnt really feel it did anything. I felt it was too much for me to do on my own. Now, im doing a program called 'Overcoming Social Anxiety, Step by Step' by Dr. David D. Byrne. Its a very slow moving, cognitive approach to overcoming your SAD. Its been three weeks, and i felt some nice improvements when i was home, but now at school, my anxiety levels are so high all the time, that my positive thoughts seem to not even have a chance at overcoming the anxiety i have.

I will take a look at those websites also(after class today, and my three hours of prep home work that i should have done on Wednesday, lol). And, about my diet. I am actually in very good shape, and eat very well. Although last night i was feeling depressed and ate about 20 cookies, and pizza. Its amazing how my negative feelings make this seem rational to me when im feeling anxious and depressed, but when im feeling good, that much food would grose me out. Either way, i agree it is NOT healthy, especially the high levels of sugar just adding to my mood swings.

I LOVE your comment about how i don't NEED to stay positive. I guess i forgot i need to also feel and experience the negative emotions, i can't just be contantly fighting the negative thoughts. My CBT actually says that, but i choose to fight the negative feelings, instead of accepting them. Whatever, it is a slow course, and these belief systems we have take LOTSSS of time to change, and i am in this for the long haul, so am confident i will change them.
Thanks for the reply feathers Very informative info.

'Ragle', thanks a bunch for the reply. I am so sorry to hear what your situation is right now. One thing i actually do have is motivation. I get most of my motivation from forcing myself to go into social situations that make me uncomfortable. Although it brings on stark feelings of anxiety, it keeps me going in the battle against anxiety. I could easily lock myself up in my room all day, but then my family outings, and job interviews, and anything where i must talk to people, even for a short period of time would probably be unbearable. I hope to make them more bearable as time goes on. If you want to PM me, feel free. Even though i have had a bad week, i still have times in the day where i feel good, so i am SURE of it that i can give you some good advice on how to get motivated. I mean, after all, that is the FIRST step in overcoming an anxiety disorder, isnt it?




Sooo, again, thanks EVERYONE for your awesome, helpful replies. I know my study session will go so much better now that you all have me feeling up.

Feel free to comment again, or PM me anytime, and that goes for anyone who wants to, i can be a very good person to talk to when i am feeling good. And the beauty of the internet, is that i don't even need to look you in the eye, because all i need to do is stare at my 15" computer screen that has NO EYES! hahaha, so weird to think about.

Anyway, i was wondering what your feelings were about my cafeteria. This is the scariest social situation for me, besides going out and drinking at parties. But, do you think i should run from the cafeteria by cooking food at home every day, or face my fears 2x a day, and eat with thousands of people in the school cafeteria?...I think the anxiety i get just being in class is enough to remind me that i need to keep plugging along and getting better, and that the added anxiety of the cafeteria is just unnecessary. Thoughts?

Try to eat in the cafetaria, if you stick with friends it's not that bad, it is when you're alone. Think of the idea that toughing it out will improve your situation. I think this is the only solution to a 'cure' but 100% .. ? Just think it will work. Get motivation out of that. If you really can't keep up with eating in the cafetaria, then you always could go home as a last resort.

Ignace said:

Try to eat in the cafetaria, if you stick with friends it's not that bad, it is when you're alone. Think of the idea that toughing it out will improve your situation. I think this is the only solution to a 'cure' but 100% .. ? Just think it will work. Get motivation out of that. If you really can't keep up with eating in the cafetaria, then you always could go home as a last resort.

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With my friends, it is definitely better. I just get so scared walking through campus alone and stuff. And there are very few people i feel secure walking with. When walking with people, im always scared of awkward silences and stuff. AHHHHH, i seriously feel like im trapped inside my head. I KNOW so many people would love to talk to me, and love to be with me, but im just so scared of them realizing i am feeling depressed, because i have SAD. I have such an intense fear of telling people i am feeling bad, because im so good at hiding it, so i know people will be so shocked when i tell them i have SAD. Or when i show that im feeling depressed. Also, i feel like im not allowed to feel bad, so i stuff the feelings away constantly, and just pretend theyre not there, and that amkes me be very avoidant. I always end up just rambling like this. AHHH, this NEEDS TO END, NOWWWW.

time management for people who don't have SAD is trialing enough. i didn't know i had SAD until I was already on my 3rd or 4th semester of college 10 years ago. SAD wasn't even a highly recognized or well-known thing back then and cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) was still on the drawing board--if even that. the fact that you are torn though says that you're motivated to succeed, it's just a matter of how. the advice the other posters have given here is good, especially about the nutritional points. control the little things that you can like what you eat, how much sleep you get, etc...

i was in a somewhat similar situation when i attempted college all those years ago, except i didn't have the option of CBT. though i imagine if i did, i'd probably be in the same conundrum(sp?) as you're in, torn between focusing on one or the other . i've been at war with my father for about 10 years over my "supposed" SAD, which he only months ago acknowledged that i have. until then he had been convinced i was just making it up or pretending i had some disorder to justify my shortcomings in school/career, etc. even though i accomplished nothing tangible by finally convincing him over 10 years, he's now trying to actually help me instead of just blindly chastising me over my failures.

for my situation, it was the wiser idea to drop out of college and gather my bearings, confront my father and learn about SAD. for you though, i'm not sure. you say you've one year left of school... it might be best to just plug it out and get your degree THEN tell your folks you need to take about a year break to address your SAD and take the CBT. i think either way your family members may get angry. most parents like to see their children launch straight into their career after getting the degree, and stalling to address your SAD might anger them just as much as taking a break from college before you graduate to do the CBT. either way you need to confront your family members and tell them whatever happens is largely dictated by the symptoms of your SAD. if they tell you you're just imagining it or you're using SAD as a crutch then have them read one of the books the other posters mentioned, or tell them to google social anxiety disorder.

sorry for the long post btw ::

Hm R3K, I can relate to some of what you say. My parents think I might be making excuses too, at times..

I'd give the OPPOSITE advice though: never move back home with your parents, especially if they're the ones causing you more anxiety! (Or have caused it when you were a teen, living with them full time. Or are just negative people, or have certain expectations you might not be able to fulfill.. Or your views of future are different..)
If you do take a year off, live it elsewhere and try to make some money or have a paid volunteering/internship opportunity where you can live there.

My moving back in with parents totally made things worse for me, and now it seems very difficult to move away.. If you do move back in, have a contract like those books about boomerang kids recommend (and it might be useful to read one of those books too, though they are mostly aimed at parents).

Sorry if this sounds harsh, it was really a bad experience for me so I want people to go into it with eyes open, if at all..

UnOccupied, glad you found my responses helpful!

I think it's great that you read the book and that you're working on nutrition thing etc, even though you may slip up sometimes, nothing big about that.. My Dad says it's easier to 'do it right' then (if he gets pain for his rheumatism from some junky food...) I can be like a yo yo from the sweets, so it's easier to not eat any later..

(I was good at a social gathering yesterday, where cookies and juice were offered, and I just took none! YAY! I explained to a lady near by that I have a 'sugar problem' and then she was understanding and sympathetic.. One of the girls there has diabetes and needs to take insulin, I just said my sugar levels are problematic and I need to take even more care to stay away from these things.. Some do see hypoglicemia or such as a 'pre-diabetic' condition anyway..)

UnO, what I sense about you is a feeling of 'shoulds' - I 'should' feel better, I was doing so well, I 'should' be doing so well now too...?
Maybe even 'I 'should' be feeling great at parties' or such...? No, you can totally be miserable at parties and just 'make yourself go out there' as a social challenge and maybe to meet some new people or socialize with old friends.. I didn't drink at parties most of the time, don't seem to tolerate alcohol that well either.. Mostly just drank water.. See the other thread about parties..

You can totally have fun at parties without drinking too, especially if you don't expect to have fun, just to 'survive'... If you know what I mean? Do you like dancing? I did. You don't need to talk to anyone while dancing and it can be great 'exercise' and even somewhat transcending your own ego and boundaries.. (Sorry if this sounds too philosophical.. It can be really fun..)

And it may get easier with time too, as you get used to people there and they get used to you, you can maybe make some acquaintances or possible 'crushes'.. This is different every year, it just takes a bit for people to get accustomed to you and you to them..

How about, tell yourself you are doing GREAT for the new stresses added in, it will maybe take a month or so, or even a couple of months to get used to these things.. You're even doing job interviews, WOW!! You are so brave!! I really admire you!

About cafeteria. Eating with friends can be easier, or perhaps eating when it's not so full? There are different times when crowds are bigger or smaller, experiment to see what you like better?

Is there only one cafeteria to go to? Are there options of smaller and bigger places? (Here in Slovenia, there are a ton of places to go to, with different food offered. Some may be easier to go to on your own.)

I'd recommend not going to cafeteria 2x a day, maybe just go 1x a day, at least that's what we did mostly. (Some guys who were hungry went 2x, us girls just made own breakfast or supper..) It depends what kind of food is offered there too, is it healthy or not-so-much? What about just going 2-3 times a week?
Is it possible to go with friends or classmates after or between classes? That might be easiest..
Or is this the year when you don't have classes, just writing your thesis?
(Lack of structure was really confusing for me then, and for many people I know..)

What exactly is it about classes or cafeteria that makes 'em 'scary'? (Sorry if this triggers you.) You may want to reply or not, your choice. And are all classes equally scary, or some better? You may find some similarities. (For example, smaller - or bigger - classrooms may be better. Small classes where you are expected to talk in a structured way may be better - or worse.. I liked them better than boring lectures in big halls. I liked parties in smaller (but not too small) areas better than huge events too.. Just some ideas to 'grade' events from easiest to more challenging..)

Oh, and please don't think you have to be positive and 'upbeat' all the time.. the trick is in dosing it though and knowing who you can talk with about what when.. Some people really aren't interested in anything but 'upbeat' talk, especially if it's all in a hurry, your real friends or people with similar problems may be even delighted or at least reassured if you have some problems too, and may think of you as more 'human' and may even like you better..

For example, if you have test anxiety it may be easy to talk to others who have it too, or if others are anxious about job interviews, they may be easy to relate to in this regard..

My dad doesn't tolerate negativity (he hates it even if we criticise someone else entirely!) so I thought I had to 'close up' around other people too.. It took years to work on this, and then I came home only to see he still doesn't like it, lol..

Soo... take care and know even if you feel sucky you can still be a totally wonderful person, you just need to 'let it out' bit by bit, bottling it all inside just makes it worse... (And yes, I was the always-smiling girl at times too!!) Also, not all people need to like you, they just need to respect your boundaries. (Took me a while to figure that one out too..)
Some people may even RESPECT you more if you stop smiling all the time! (Odd, I know! It took looking grim to get respect at some places!!)

Oh gosh, this got long too, lol.. Feel free to PM or write me a message too, I just don't do IM, mostly.. (and there's the time difference anyway...)

Wishing you good luck!!

R3K said:

time management for people who don't have SAD is trialing enough. i didn't know i had SAD until I was already on my 3rd or 4th semester of college 10 years ago. SAD wasn't even a highly recognized or well-known thing back then and cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) was still on the drawing board--if even that. the fact that you are torn though says that you're motivated to succeed, it's just a matter of how. the advice the other posters have given here is good, especially about the nutritional points. control the little things that you can like what you eat, how much sleep you get, etc...

i was in a somewhat similar situation when i attempted college all those years ago, except i didn't have the option of CBT. though i imagine if i did, i'd probably be in the same conundrum(sp?) as you're in, torn between focusing on one or the other . i've been at war with my father for about 10 years over my "supposed" SAD, which he only months ago acknowledged that i have. until then he had been convinced i was just making it up or pretending i had some disorder to justify my shortcomings in school/career, etc. even though i accomplished nothing tangible by finally convincing him over 10 years, he's now trying to actually help me instead of just blindly chastising me over my failures.

for my situation, it was the wiser idea to drop out of college and gather my bearings, confront my father and learn about SAD. for you though, i'm not sure. you say you've one year left of school... it might be best to just plug it out and get your degree THEN tell your folks you need to take about a year break to address your SAD and take the CBT. i think either way your family members may get angry. most parents like to see their children launch straight into their career after getting the degree, and stalling to address your SAD might anger them just as much as taking a break from college before you graduate to do the CBT. either way you need to confront your family members and tell them whatever happens is largely dictated by the symptoms of your SAD. if they tell you you're just imagining it or you're using SAD as a crutch then have them read one of the books the other posters mentioned, or tell them to google social anxiety disorder.

sorry for the long post btw ::

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Thanks for the reply R3k. Its comforting to know someone else has been in this situation. And yes, CBT is something i am fortunate to have at this point in time, i hope you take advantage of it too. Now that the first week is over, things are getting a little easier. The lows i was having were so terrible and unbearable, but now they're not as severe, and i quickly learned that i can still function when i am low, it is just extremely uncomfortable, but i realized that it is just my negative thoughts and feelings that tell me to avoid all situations when im down, and not my true self talking.

Anyway, about the family stuff, my dads pretty much the same way. He was the start of all my SAD, and i realize that there is no sense in trying to fix him, bc it is ultimetely my responsibility to overcome this, and my dad is an unchangable man. My therapist helped me out in realizing that. I am fortunate for a good mom who helps me through this. Although i rarely actually tell her how im really feeling, but she knows im going through tough times, and sympathizes with me in my decisions. I did drop a class, and that makes things alot easier at school. I am glad your dad is finally starting to understand and help you out. Thanks for the reply R3K

Start eating right and exercise more often. Twice a day for 30 minutes, even if it includes walking. Go in the woods, on a trail, whatever. That's what I did anyways.

Then go see someone.

Hey UnOccupied, sounds like you really have spent a lot of time looking for ways to be able to truly be free from your anxiety, perhaps then it is time for you to try one of the fewer known methods called the Bagha, using it in conjunction with other natural treatments can really be effective, it has helped me to overcome a great deal of my anxiety and beat my panic attacks. Hope this helps you in some way.