So how do you -UN-crush then??

Megaten

Megaten

Well-known member
Not sure there's really any solution other than waiting for it to erode naturally. The good news is that once that does happen, you'll probably wonder why you had feelings for that person in the first place.
 
S_Spartan

S_Spartan

Well-known member
^25 is a bit too low but the dude is right. I can't even imagine having a crush on a woman at my age. I'm still attracted to women and there are some that I might like to get to know better, but this whole idea of focusing all my mental energy on one woman isn't going to happen.

Crushes are really a bad bet for anybody because there is a good chance your neediness will drive them away and even if you do happen to "get" them there is a good chance down the road that they won't live up to your expectations.

I think a lot of times people don't even care so much about the person they are crushing on but rather the good chemicals that dreaming about that person releases in their brain.

But being V-day and all I'll try not to be so cynical and say that in some very rare instances some crushes may lead to something that lasts between two people. So there, I aint a total meanie! lol
 
Megaten

Megaten

Well-known member
I don't think that could be applied across the board anyways. Some people are hopeless romantics and some are extremely pragmatic. Also so many people have that one celebrity that they'd strip naked for in a heartbeat if given the chance.
 
grapevine

grapevine

Well-known member
Well having a crush had made me change so many things about myself and that is why it has been so hard to reel myself in. It basically made me feel feelings about myself that for a good long -decade- I had not felt at all- it made me want to care for myself and care about how I look and I lost weight- not because I wanted to impress - but because at the begining the attraction made me feel worthy and made me believe in myself as a female.
I had been without those feelings for ages.

But a crush is just harmful. I just hate every night going to bed - those day dreams all the time - and then the silliest expectations at work- when I know the reality.

I just hate how its completely frustrated my social cues- in that I cant tell if a flirt is a flirt or what anymore and I just dont understand men and all that stuff. Which is why I really want to end this!
 
T

TheNomad

Well-known member
There is no other way than time or seeing a red flag in your crush, I guess. I had a crush once and I realized a characteristic of her that I really disliked and in a week my feelings were reset.
 
Psychedelicious

Psychedelicious

1
eek

Feeling a little crushed myself right now.... Sometimes it's not worth it to put all your hope and energy into one person, only to be left feeling devastated. It's the way the game works though. Not putting in any effort is worse in my opinion though. You usually just have to wait for the feelings to subside once you know things aren't going to live up to your imagined ideals. It definitely hurts though.
 
Odo

Odo

Banned
Thinking about it rationally and objectively usually helps.

When I truly realize just how much of a disaster it would have been in the long run, I feel better.
 
arjuna

arjuna

Well-known member
S_Spartan said:
^25 is a bit too low but the dude is right. I can't even imagine having a crush on a woman at my age. I'm still attracted to women and there are some that I might like to get to know better, but this whole idea of focusing all my mental energy on one woman isn't going to happen.

Crushes are really a bad bet for anybody because there is a good chance your neediness will drive them away and even if you do happen to "get" them there is a good chance down the road that they won't live up to your expectations.

I think a lot of times people don't even care so much about the person they are crushing on but rather the good chemicals that dreaming about that person releases in their brain.

But being V-day and all I'll try not to be so cynical and say that in some very rare instances some crushes may lead to something that lasts between two people. So there, I aint a total meanie! lol
Click to expand...

^^^

This.
 
Megaten

Megaten

Well-known member
arjuna said:
^^^

This.
Click to expand...

Tbh I still dont think its "crushes" thats the problem. I think its not acting on it before you get too emotionally invested thats the problem. If you've gotten your energy focused on one woman or man like Spartan said, and have not made any attempts to act on it then yeah that can be like drinking a slow acting poison.
 
Odo

Odo

Banned
Megaten said:
Tbh I still dont think its "crushes" thats the problem. I think its not acting on it before you get too emotionally invested thats the problem. If you've gotten your energy focused on one woman or man like Spartan said, and have not made any attempts to act on it then yeah that can be like drinking a slow acting poison.
Click to expand...

Yes, this.

I mean, you shouldn't be afraid to fall in love if someone is really that great... but you need to make sure you're not actually in love with something in your own head instead of a real person. When you don't make your intentions clear, you end up second guessing everything and reading things into it that aren't there.

I'm not sure if it's what Spartan meant, but I don't think that most people would repelled by someone's exclusive interest... I don't meet many women who I feel are worth the effort, but when I do I put 100% into it and if they don't appreciate it then it's their loss.

On the other hand, being aloof can be frustrating or suspicious and often backfires, especially in the long run. Being rejected is one of the risks of putting yourself out there, so I don't think that the pain of rejection is something that can ever be avoided. It's just part of life... instead of trying to avoid it, embrace it as something you need to go through in order to get to a better place.

I don't think people outgrow crushes... why would they?
 
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arjuna

arjuna

Well-known member
Megaten said:
Tbh I still dont think its "crushes" thats the problem. I think its not acting on it before you get too emotionally invested thats the problem. If you've gotten your energy focused on one woman or man like Spartan said, and have not made any attempts to act on it then yeah that can be like drinking a slow acting poison.
Click to expand...

He who desires, but acts not, breeds pestilence.
- William Blake
 
S_Spartan

S_Spartan

Well-known member
Odo said:
Yes, this.

I mean, you shouldn't be afraid to fall in love if someone is really that great... but you need to make sure you're not actually in love with something in your own head instead of a real person. When you don't make your intentions clear, you end up second guessing everything and reading things into it that aren't there.

I'm not sure if it's what Spartan meant
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That's pretty much what I meant. The whole in your head thing.

We humans like to get our dopamine fixes any way we can and that is where this gets tricky. How much of the feelings of love are just dopamine fixes as a result of the idea of loving someone and how much is actual caring for the other person?

There have been times in my life where I have felt intense feelings for a person only to find out after being with them for a while that they were really not a good person but the dopamine that I got from the idea of the person is the thing that colored all of my thinking.

It's all like a balancing act. Err too far to the cynical side and risk being bitter and alone, err too much to the loving side and risk not seeing other people for what they really are.

This is why I say that I really can't crush now because I am always looking for the caveats in other people. These days you really do have to cover your ***.
 
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