Skald
Well-known member
So being new here is a little insight, Glad I found this place. Last week was the turning point that I knew I needed to seek help. I arrived home yesterday from a week in France visiting my best friend (well probably my only friend) But the person I trust more then anything in the world.
Was an amazing week spent two days in Paris and had more fun then I could ever expect. Problem was my SA and depression reared it's ugly head and it's becoming a staple of everyday life for me.
From the Monday of last week i could barely open up. and now I feel I am losing my friend. We both meet in 07 as we had both split up with our respected girlfriend and boyfriend (mine due to depression and SA)
we were a rock for each other and our friendship has grown and is very deep. but in that two years I realise today I have not moved on and if anything it has got worse.
My friend does not suffer from depression or SA but has a similar history to me, both from broken homes and domestic abuse. She has moved on with her life and is dating again and has plans to move to the UK to become a teacher. There has even been talk of rooming together. She understands I have problems and has been there for me. each visit she makes or I make across she tries to help me as much as she can.
So the week was great, her nephew from the US was there as well he is 11 and a great kid. Alot of her attention was focused on him and I felt kind of relieved about this. as when he was with us it took alot of the attention away from me.
On Wednesday we went to see the band koRn in Paris along with her Bro the two hr drive there and back I was pretty much silent. I know the language barrier was there between me and her brother but I just did not say a word or try to talk about anything with her. I became more agitated with myself as I could see she was getting a little annoyed. even queuing to get into the venue I was still closed off trying to feel relaxed trying to get moisture into my mouth.
It really hurt me when she turned to me and i could see it in her eyes and said "Col why wont you chat with me"
Then we went back to Paris with her nephew on Friday and AGAIN I feel into a slight depression and closed myself off. It was appalling. I should have been getting involved with her nephew as he had a big grin and bulging eyes as he was in Paris going to the Eiffel tower ect. instead I just tagged along at the back popping up with one or two words here and there.
Then finally it came to a head Sunday night I was feeling great but so sad that I had barely held a conversation together with her for longer then 10 minutes the whole week. she made a a joke about me having a memory like a goldfish and I just said "Look sorry I am a retard" I was feeling so ashamed of myself for the past couple of days.
She got really angry as I know what she looks for in people is strength in character. I had this in parts when we meet because If I never held myself up at times after my relationship fell apart I would probably have committed suicide, I think I provided some sort of shoulder for her as well after her split, we both are on the same wave length. but I feel she is getting frustrated with me as well. we spoke briefly about it and i know she wants to help me recover but I feel cracks are appearing. So yesterday morning when I left it was so tense. I tried to bring up the night before and she just said "forget it" the trip to the ferry was in silence and the hug goodbye was slightly cold.
So there you go. I have a doctors app tomorrow. and I have am going to leave it a day or two before I speak to her.
I am feeling like I need to try and get better enjoy life, find a girlfriend, and before I destroy myself and lose my soul mate. Hope you made it through this.
Was an amazing week spent two days in Paris and had more fun then I could ever expect. Problem was my SA and depression reared it's ugly head and it's becoming a staple of everyday life for me.
From the Monday of last week i could barely open up. and now I feel I am losing my friend. We both meet in 07 as we had both split up with our respected girlfriend and boyfriend (mine due to depression and SA)
we were a rock for each other and our friendship has grown and is very deep. but in that two years I realise today I have not moved on and if anything it has got worse.
My friend does not suffer from depression or SA but has a similar history to me, both from broken homes and domestic abuse. She has moved on with her life and is dating again and has plans to move to the UK to become a teacher. There has even been talk of rooming together. She understands I have problems and has been there for me. each visit she makes or I make across she tries to help me as much as she can.
So the week was great, her nephew from the US was there as well he is 11 and a great kid. Alot of her attention was focused on him and I felt kind of relieved about this. as when he was with us it took alot of the attention away from me.
On Wednesday we went to see the band koRn in Paris along with her Bro the two hr drive there and back I was pretty much silent. I know the language barrier was there between me and her brother but I just did not say a word or try to talk about anything with her. I became more agitated with myself as I could see she was getting a little annoyed. even queuing to get into the venue I was still closed off trying to feel relaxed trying to get moisture into my mouth.
It really hurt me when she turned to me and i could see it in her eyes and said "Col why wont you chat with me"
Then we went back to Paris with her nephew on Friday and AGAIN I feel into a slight depression and closed myself off. It was appalling. I should have been getting involved with her nephew as he had a big grin and bulging eyes as he was in Paris going to the Eiffel tower ect. instead I just tagged along at the back popping up with one or two words here and there.
Then finally it came to a head Sunday night I was feeling great but so sad that I had barely held a conversation together with her for longer then 10 minutes the whole week. she made a a joke about me having a memory like a goldfish and I just said "Look sorry I am a retard" I was feeling so ashamed of myself for the past couple of days.
She got really angry as I know what she looks for in people is strength in character. I had this in parts when we meet because If I never held myself up at times after my relationship fell apart I would probably have committed suicide, I think I provided some sort of shoulder for her as well after her split, we both are on the same wave length. but I feel she is getting frustrated with me as well. we spoke briefly about it and i know she wants to help me recover but I feel cracks are appearing. So yesterday morning when I left it was so tense. I tried to bring up the night before and she just said "forget it" the trip to the ferry was in silence and the hug goodbye was slightly cold.
So there you go. I have a doctors app tomorrow. and I have am going to leave it a day or two before I speak to her.
I am feeling like I need to try and get better enjoy life, find a girlfriend, and before I destroy myself and lose my soul mate. Hope you made it through this.
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