Social Anxiety - Stop Playing the Victim

Remus

Moderator
Staff member
I got a PM off someone complaining about the change in original posting making thier post look stupid, so to appease them and make the thread look more consitant I put back the comments they had original issue with

I prefer the harsh approach myself too
 

Lea

Banned
Good post Andrew, thanks. I just want to ask SickJoke, you are like a walking book but you never revealed anything about yourself - how old are you, did you have social anxiety before and was it since birth or it happened later in life. I am not against your advices as there are people to whom it can help because everyone is different. But to me it doesn´t help knowing how I should deal in certain situation or learn "social skills", because at the moment you are completely overwhelmed by the emotion (which is automatical and btw. I don´t even know if it´s an emotion or what is it) that you cannot act or act the way you wanted. Anyway I learned to mask to some extent and rationalize away the fear, so that in most daily situations I can appear quite relaxed like nothing mattered to me. I even learned to talk much better than before because you just need to talk in your life, always. You can´t avoid it so you learn it. I know so you cannot avoid social situations. But how come I learned to talk, but 0 "social skills", 0 eye contact... well perhaps because I have Asperger symptome. I don´t know maybe I don´t belong to this thread because I don´t really have only SA which it is about.
 

FlirtyandDirty

Well-known member
I got a PM off someone complaining about the change in original posting making thier post look stupid, so to appease them and make the thread look more consitant I put back the comments they had original issue with

I prefer the harsh approach myself too

I wasn't questioning that. However, as you have brought it up, I respectfully ask, do you really think it is right to add what has been taken away. Is that not the job of the original poster?

If I post a comment then want to change it, regardless of what anyone else says or feels, it is my business to do as I wish with my comment, is that not the case? Do we have to watch what we say and edit for fear that it will be put back without our permission? If it is disrespectful or offensive then the moderator should edit it, but not put stuff back. If this is the case then the webmaster needs to clarify the rules concerning posting.

Am sorry if I seem dumb on this but I have never seen this happen before. :confused:

Anyways, I was wondering what the confrontational method was that's all. Do you mean meeting it head on - challenging yourself and facing your fears?
 

FlirtyandDirty

Well-known member
Good post Andrew, thanks. I just want to ask SickJoke, you are like a walking book but you never revealed anything about yourself - how old are you, did you have social anxiety before and was it since birth or it happened later in life. I am not against your advices as there are people to whom it can help because everyone is different. But to me it doesn´t help knowing how I should deal in certain situation or learn "social skills", because at the moment you are completely overwhelmed by the emotion (which is automatical and btw. I don´t even know if it´s an emotion or what is it) that you cannot act or act the way you wanted. Anyway I learned to mask to some extent and rationalize away the fear, so that in most daily situations I can appear quite relaxed like nothing mattered to me. I even learned to talk much better than before because you just need to talk in your life, always. You can´t avoid it so you learn it. I know so you cannot avoid social situations. But how come I learned to talk, but 0 "social skills", 0 eye contact... well perhaps because I have Asperger symptome. I don´t know maybe I don´t belong to this thread because I don´t really have only SA which it is about.

I know this was not meant for me Lea, but as I have sort of got rid of my SA, Agoraphobia and depression using the same sort of method that SickJoke is talking about, I thought I might tell a little about myself.

I am 47 and had SA since as long as I can remember. Admittedly it got worse as I got older. I have had depression since I was a child and agoraphobia since I was 19. I have had stuff happen to me, child abuse, rape, shitty husband bullying, and all added to my conditions.

I am free of SA and agoraphobia. I will never be free of depression. It will come back again one day. but it will never lay me down flat again.

My son has a lot of problems social anxiety. He lacks social skills and like you has Asperger's Syndrome. He is 15 and it is so sad to see him struggle. He tried to take his own life last year. He is a beautiful caring human being. I will use all the skills that I leanrt to help him overcome his lack of social skills. He will always have Aspergers, but he will not always be lonely.

I wish you luck and hope that you find a way to at least aleviate your symptoms.

Are there any groups in your area for others with Aspergers??
 

Lea

Banned
Thanks for your post FlirtyandDirty and congratulations that you managed to get over all that. As for Aspergers the therapist now told me it´s about 50 percent genetic.. (perhaps my father might have it as well abit, although I guess not all Aspergers are the same, so he is not completely like me but crazy also).
If there any groups for Aspergers in my area? I think there must be some, but I didn´t research yet. But they are certainly in our capital city. It would be interesting to meet some people with this disorder, they can have interesting opinions and world view sometimes :).
 

FlirtyandDirty

Well-known member
Thanks for your post FlirtyandDirty and congratulations that you managed to get over all that. As for Aspergers the therapist now told me it´s about 50 percent genetic.. (perhaps my father might have it as well abit, although I guess not all Aspergers are the same, so he is not completely like me but crazy also).
If there any groups for Aspergers in my area? I think there must be some, but I didn´t research yet. But they are certainly in our capital city. It would be interesting to meet some people with this disorder, they can have interesting opinions and world view sometimes :).

Hi again Lea.

I have to do a short course on Aspergers Syndrome so I can better help my son. After then, and only after, he will do a course too. The reason I have to do it first is so I can support him in what he will learn.

There are also youth groups for kids with Aspergers, so he will be going there too.

Check out what is in your area. The more support you get, the easier it will be to deal with.

I think my son's sperm donor has Aspergers too.
 
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Lea

Banned
FlirtyandDirty your son is lucky. I think the earlier children start getting help and support, the better. The older you are, the more difficult change is.
 

FlirtyandDirty

Well-known member
FlirtyandDirty your son is lucky. I think the earlier children start getting help and support, the better. The older you are, the more difficult change is.

I wholeheartedly agree with you. Had my son been diagnosed when he was eight, he might not have the issues that he has now,

It will be hard Lea, but there are things you will be able to change. Even if they are small ones, you will feel better knowing that you did it.

Good luck

xxx
 
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j_brown2

Banned
emotions are powerful... I think we can all agree on power means being in control of your own emotions, emotions make you see the world the way you see it, emotions can change the brain chemistry balance

it's all about the emotions, fix your emotions and your free... why people go the hard way and try to do it the painful way with trying to change beliefs is beyond me,

energy (emotinal) healing is the way to go, Iam clearing memories with it, and my whole believe system about socializing changed as a by product

Every memory I clear of anxiety, I clear it that I focus on how lonely I felt. Not on how anxious I was, but on how lonely I felt and the anxiety goes

Mr sickening joke - evolutionary psychologist, what you think about the idea that social beings fear being alone? To social beings being alone means death? Umm no to word it correctly, a social being has no problem being alone, when he knows there are other social beings around he can befriend be accepted anytime he wants, but what happens when he experiences or feels like he is not being accepted, by no one over a long time, he starts to panick I would say that he will end up alone and die

That's exactly how I feel, I can be on the busiest street with a 1000 people around, I still feel so closed down, alone, I can't connect with any human being.Iam at home with my parents, I feel alone, they don't know my issues, they don't understand me, we don't connect... if I just had 1 person I could open up to and feel like we connected my anxiety would be a lot lighter


In the early stages of humankind it was vital for survival to be in groups, humans couldn't survive on their own, they had to be in groups, with evolution it became less important, but this part can still be triggered

There are 3 major things people can be anxious about, fear of death, fear of pain and fear of shame, fear of death can be a fear of heights, a fear of small places, fear of being alone and so on

Just think of if you were stranded on an island alone or as a child how scary it was when your parents left you alone... What were you afraid of? If they left you with a group of unknown people? I think you would feel lonely there coz you don't know them, now if that was a memory and I would do EFT on it, I wouldn't try to eliminate the fear or how I was afraid of those people, or how I feared they gona hurt me,but the underlying emotion that caused it.. feeling alone, I would tap on how lonely I felt and the memory wouldn't be traumatic anymore. That's what I do with EFT on every negative memory I got.

Iam like a child really despite being 21, I will go nowhere without my parents, Iam to scared lol and I know why

Now I don't believe you can develop an anxiety disorder on a fear of pain or shame, you just feel the anxiety at the time you feel the pain or shame

An anxiety disorder you develop when your brain thinks your in danger all the time, that's fear of death, Iam as alone as it gets and Iam in constant anxiety, I feel like the anxiety is eating up my muscles while I sleep while Iam awake
It's not like Iam being in pain coz people are causing me pain all the time and feel anxiety coz of it!no, Iam being alone in my room- not being hurt for months, but my anxiety is as strong as it is always

To me it seems like Iam in constant anxiety coz Iam so alone and I FEEL like I will forever be alone, I can't be accepted, so Iam like Iam dieing so Iam in constant anxiety even when Iam all alone

Iam sure I would have no anxiety if I knew I can be accepted around people and socialize, the thing is to us social phobics being laughed at, rejected, devalued... It's all the same thing, it all means the same, it means your not accepted and gona be alone or have to find someone else to socialize, with time you see though that no one wants you so you start panicking around people coz you want to survive and be accepted, the more you fail at being accepted the more you fear you will stay alone and die, so the anxiety greater

The way I see it is Iam like I have been put on an island all alone, I been there for 7 years now and it's killing me... that's how I feel here, no matter if Iam alone in my room
or on a busy street with a 100 people around... I can't connect with human beings, Iam all alone, there are times when I have to go to a doctor and I for some reason have a nice Convo with him which makes me not feel so alone anymore, than for that whole day I feel great, straight from the doctor I can walk into a shopping mall without much fear (which is a big NO usually), I feel like I belong again... but just for the day, next day Iam back to my old anxious me.... No one had an experience like that before?

No one really agree with that??
 
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FlirtyandDirty

Well-known member
emotions are powerful... I think we can all agree on power means being in control of your own emotions, emotions make you see the world the way you see it, emotions can change the brain chemistry balance

it's all about the emotions, fix your emotions and your free... why people go the hard way and try to do it the painful way with trying to change beliefs is beyond me,

energy (emotinal) healing is the way to go, Iam clearing memories with it, and my whole believe system about socializing changed as a by product

Every memory I clear of anxiety, I clear it that I focus on how lonely I felt. Not on how anxious I was, but on how lonely I felt and the anxiety goes

Mr sickening joke - evolutionary psychologist, what you think about the idea that social beings fear being alone? To social beings being alone means death? Umm no to word it correctly, a social being has no problem being alone, when he knows there are other social beings around he can befriend be accepted anytime he wants, but what happens when he experiences or feels like he is not being accepted, by no one over a long time, he starts to panick I would say that he will end up alone and die

I believe that this has a lot of truth to it, and I wish it was something that I learnt sooner.

Through my counselling course, I realised that not everyone wants to go back into their memories and go over things. You cannot change what has happened in the past, but you can change the feelings that you have about it. Change your feelings or emotions and you do not need to live in the past. I think it was this knowledge that made everything fall into place.

I hope what I wrote makes sense.





 

j_brown2

Banned
Well I can change my past, the way i experienced it that is,with EFT stands for emotional freedom technique, I go in my past with it and traumatic memories that seemed so painful, later seem boring or empty, but most of the time Iam seeing and learning new things from those memories... like the negative emotion that was present in the memory is cleared so all believes about this memory/experience go away with it, and I automatically without any forcing build new positive believes

Like for example to understand better what Iam trying to say, if someone bullied me, I thought he bullied me coz Iam worthless or whatever, later after the emotion is cleared with EFT I look at it differently- a cognitive shift, like he just bullied me coz he is a weak guy himself who needs to bully people like me to feel better, I don't think anymore that it had anything to do with me, it's not just that, I would automaticaly not get bullied anymore, coz I would show no fear around bullies, I wouldn't be interesting to them anymore, that's what I mean, you can have those feelings emotions about fearing a bully and rationaly say he is just doing it coz he is weak himself, it won't help you much, but once you clear that emotion, the fear goes and everything changes
 
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cosmosis

Well-known member
Well it's both pain (emotions) and negative / unrealistic beliefs that cause the anxiety and fear. They reinforce eachother. It might have been that someone hurt you when you were younger - which then made you form the belief that you are worthless which creates more reinforced pain which then strengthens the original belief. There are intertwined.

Sometimes you can go back and unwind them to some degree if its overly tramatic or if you didn't properly deal with the emotions in a normal way.

But to be honest and I've had alot of experience with this - For most people the best way is to work on creating a positive counter experience. For every negative thought, such as "I am worthless", you also have a positive thought "I am worthy" It's really the same belief, its just that only one of those can be active at the same time. You can't really believe you are worthless and worthy as the same time - the one that guides you is the stronger one. So if you make goals and work towards them eventually you can make the positive one stronger. And that becomes your new belief. Sickjoke did a post about this a couple days ago that I liked. You are not really 'changing' beliefs. You are just shifting the belief from pain to more joy.
 

SickJoke

Well-known member
andrew said:

Well I could sit here and refute each of your arguments, like I've done in previous threads, but from EXPERIENCE, I can predict exactly what would happen if I did:

You reply back angrier, more people join in, and a POSITIVE thread gets CLOSED, after a bunch of NEGATIVE people start hurling insults. See my "How to fool around with a girl" and "Can't get a girlfriend?" threads for examples. I believe you were one of those people in one of those threads. Pay close attention to how many personal attacks get thrown at me (lots) and how many I throw back (zero).

So instead of typing a long-winded post arguing against a positive thread, why don't you make your own positive thread? Thanks for bumping an old thread of mine, but I hope we're done now.
 

Bianca

Well-known member
The only reason the "How to fool around with a girl" thread was closed was because it was demeaning to women. If you don't like the moderator's decisions then leave. Don't try and act like it was everyone else's fault that the thread was closed. Now who is playing the victim?
 
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SickJoke

Well-known member
The only reason the "How to fool around with a girl" thread was closed was because it were demeaning to women. If you don't like the moderator's decisions then leave. Don't try and act like it was everyone else's fault that the thread was closed. Now who is playing the victim?

That obviously wasn't the only reason, because Remus replied and seemed fine with the original post. Then it spun out of control as everyone started making attacks, and then finally it was closed. I'm not arguing with their decisions, and don't tell me what to do, thanks. ;)
 

saen

Well-known member
Well I could sit here and refute each of your arguments, like I've done in previous threads, but from EXPERIENCE, I can predict exactly what would happen if I did:

You reply back angrier, more people join in, and a POSITIVE thread gets CLOSED, after a bunch of NEGATIVE people start hurling insults. See my "How to fool around with a girl" and "Can't get a girlfriend?" threads for examples. I believe you were one of those people in one of those threads. Pay close attention to how many personal attacks get thrown at me (lots) and how many I throw back (zero).

So instead of typing a long-winded post arguing against a positive thread, why don't you make your own positive thread? Thanks for bumping an old thread of mine, but I hope we're done now.

If you're referring to Andrew's post on page 4, I don't think there'd be anything wrong with replying to it; I can't see how anyone could be offended by it. Go ahead.
 

SickJoke

Well-known member
If you're referring to Andrew's post on page 4, I don't think there'd be anything wrong with replying to it; I can't see how anyone could be offended by it. Go ahead.

If andrew didn't have a personal agenda, I would. But after he said this in my "Can't get a girlfriend?" thread, I really don't care about his opinions at all:

andrew said:
Yes, because you are full of crap and just repeat things you learn due to your inherent desire to appear to be an expert. I am going to find your other threads and debunk your lack of understanding of anxiety disorders next.
 

saen

Well-known member
If andrew didn't have a personal agenda, I would. But after he said this in my "Can't get a girlfriend?" thread, I really don't care about his opinions at all:

As I see it, your thread that got closed has nothing to do with this thread, so argue all you want. Although I do disagree with the presentation of your other thread, I disagree with some of Andrew's responses in this thread. They're two different topics; everyone should accept it as such.
 
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