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Old 02-28-2007  
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Default somewhere just to write down feelings...

Ok so i just need to tell someone some stuff, my 'friends' wouldn't understand :(
Right so I am in college, studying my A levels, I moved to the college 2 years ago, because my parents couldn't afford the private school anymore. I made absolutely no friends, and noone seemed to notice. But I told my parents, and they thought that i would get friends soon enough. About 2 terms went by, and still no friends, at the parents evening of that term, my parents told the teachers what had been going on. Some of the teachers started off the meeting saying about how I was always late for lessons and not participating in lessons, etc. My parents told them that they were lucky that I still go to school, and they soon shut up. I have 2 teachers per subject, and only one of each subject was at the meeting, so my parents presumed that they would tell the other. It seems now that this doesn't seem to be the case.
I have a teacher (biology not at the parents evening) who decided yesterday, that it would be a good idea to go around the class reading the notes out loud. Luckily she missed me out, this happens a lot btw. After the lesson I went up to her, and said that could I not read out in class, because I stutter. I don't really stutter much, I mostly go red, and get incredably nervous. She said that was fine.
Today, I turned up to lesson really late, I was debating whether or not to go, as I was not feeling very good (read mentally) she made a big deal of it, and asked me why i was so late, and I said "I have no excuse" Got so many looks and bitchy remarks from others in the class for that though. Went bright red, making such a fool of myself. :oops: She told me she wanted to speak to me after the lesson...crap. 8O
So then she was doing the whole around the class thing, but we sit in a semi circle of desks, and I realised pretty early on that it was going to be impossible to miss me out without anyone noticing, and so when she did miss me out, this loud mouth girl said "Hey, what about that girl?" Baring in mind that we have been in lessons together for 2 years, and there is only 12/14 of us in the class, and she couldn't even remember my name. I muttered something like "I don't read" or something stupid, and my teacher then said that I didn't have to read if I didn't want to, and they moved on. Meanwhile I can feel that I am on the verge of tears. This happens a lot, I think it is because of depression, I feel the need to cry all the time, but never can, really painful, but when the slightest thing happens I can't not cry. Anyway, so I started doodling, and the feeling went away.
At the end of the lesson, I was waiting for everyone to leave the room, but she didn't get the picture, and came up to me, and asked me again why I was late, and I said something like "I was just late." Then she was all "so it won't happen again" at which point something came over me, and I asked her if my other biology teacher had spoken to her. She said no, and then I started freaking out, because there was no way I would speak to her in front of everyone there, eavesdropping, so I wouldn't meet her gaze and said "nevermind" and ran out of the room.
So now I just know that she will ask the other biology teacher about me, and then I will get all these questions, that i just cannot handle right now.
:cry:
So that was my day today :oops:
These sorts of things happen rather regularly to me.
Sorry for the ramble, but it helps to write it down, you know. People on here tend to understand a lot better than my 'friends' or my family.
Thanks

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Old 05-12-2007  
Ana
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Hey eggbe4thechicken.
I'm sorry to hear that all this happened to you. I understand though. I'm also in school, high school, and it's a day to day struggle for me too. You need to keep in mind that people who don't suffer from the illnesses don't understand what you are going through. But by posting on here, you are asking people who understand for help and understanding.
I hope all works out for you and remember when things get stressful, just post. Don't be afraid to pm anyone either, if you need someone to talk to.
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