staying with someone you dont love..

Does anyone else have this problem where you stay with people you don't love...I have been with this guy for the past year and have broken up with him about 4 times but I keep getting back with him because as soon as I break up my confidence goes right down, I feel even worse and alone again dealing with this problem, and coz I know he loves me and wud do anything for me :-(

I understand what you mean it sounds like your more attached to him than in
love. Although it wont feel like it at first being on your own is way better than being with someone you dont love . your confidence and happiness will def come back will just take a while.

Don't toy with another person's emotions. If you know you should leave (you've already done it 4 times) then do it before things get more serious and the situation gets heavier. Be honest with him and yourself. Personally I was in a similar place. I got addicted to getting back with her (it became physical). Neither of us were in a good position to be in a relationship. I got her pregnant in the end. Though instead of running away and letting her face it alone. I was bound by my morals to take on my new responsibilities.

Point is don't wait until something drastic comes along to make the decision for you. Step back and make the right choice and stick to it.

If you don't love him, dump him. Going back and forth like that is playing mind games.

Are you working on your confidence in other ways?

eg reading books, going to counselling or a support group, learning and doing effective proble-solving, exercise/nutrition, etc?

If not, could you start? Then you can have confidence either you stay with him or not.

Do you have friends and a 'support network' and 'a life' other than this man?

I see another thing that can be possible, some girls can only or mostly be attracted to 'bad boys' and if he's 'too available' or 'too in love' or too 'good' and would do 'everything' it may actually be a turn off and some space would do you both good..

Is he working on any of those things I mentioned above, or has a happy fulfilled own life apart from you, or is just counting on you to make the wonderful things happen? People can be too close and actually having a life outside the relationship can be good for both!

Maybe he needs to learn some assertiveness too, and learn to give you some space so that you miss him and you may become more 'in love' with him that way? Just a thought.. There's a book 'Women who love too much' and it explains it a bit, there are other books about co-dependence and such too... Men can love 'too much' (or wrong girls, or in an unhealthy way) too.. Maybe also you guys don't speak the primary 'language of love' of each other?

Many people also have trouble separating (initial) being 'in love' ('fireworks') from (more stable and long-lasting) 'love'... There are books and articles about this too.. So you can learn about the stages of love etc. and this can be helpful in this or the next relationship.. You can decide to make this relationship better, and/or learn so you don't make the same mistakes next time.. (And this includes choosing the man to be with.)

If there are any real 'deal-breakers' (things that are extremely important to you or just make sense, eg if he abuses drugs or alcohol etc) then leaving him is indeed the best option. It may even inspire him to change and be better.
If you are 'not sure' you might want to consider learning about these things first, and then see how it goes..

I have a friend who is flimsy with men sort of, and sometimes only later realizes what she lost, after she dumped them..

Does he know that you're in a relationship with him for a self-esteem boost and not because you love him? The best thing to do in this case is the selfless thing. Break up with him for good. Once you're alone, you might be able to gain some perspective and work on your self-esteem. Put yourself in his shoes...imagine that someone you loved dearly was only with you for self-serving purposes? Eventually you will find someone else. Give this man a chance to find someone who will reciprocate his love and give yourself a chance to heal.

I love the woman I am with right now. But I am not in love with her, and I never have been. I know this because I have been in love before. I stay with her because she is a great person and we have kids together, not to mention a house and cars and animals and so forth. I have actually been thinking a lot about this lately, so it's strange that this thread came up. I don't cheat, and I am not unhappy with my girlfriend for the most part. But sometimes we are so many worlds apart that I don't understand why we are even together. I also feel sometimes like I am wronging her by staying with her because I am not in love with her. She is more like a best friend who I have sex with. I don't really know what I think at this point.........so anyone have any advice or opinions? I would like to hear them. Sorry for opening up so much on someone elses thread.::

i've been in a realationship for about tow years with someone i dont love,i've thought alot about breaking up with him,i have told him that probably at some point i'm going to break up with and that we are too different to have a future together and he has accepted it.
as the time passes i feel that there might be a chance that i might fall in love with him,
becuz as my social phobia gets better my relationship with him is getting better too and i feel more intimate with him,plus right now I'm not able to handle loneliness,so I'll guess I just wait and see

great responses from all of you its nice to know im not alone out there!

In response to Feathers ..

You have no idea how long I have been doing all sorts of stuff to improve myself health wise, I train in a gym 4-5 times per week, take plenty of supplements and eat very well ... I have recently sought out help once again for my problem because I used to be on meds when I used to get panic attacks but I recovered from them so now its more of a behavioral & avoidance thing I must overcome I did start on meds again and am going to stick to seeing a counselor regarding this problem and with my relationships...

he is very much like my best friend who I have sex with, there are times when im rlly attracted to him and times when im not but generally those r the times when i am feeling **** and he doesnt understand so I guess I build it up inside and take it out on him ... I do realise that i cant keep doing this to him but right now I need to work out if its me and my own problems or if its him so that is why i am going to stick to seeing a counselor now etc

spring

I know exactly how you feel, I have been putting in alot more effort with my friends recently tho aswel & I do realise that I need to address this problem so I dont continue to date ppl im not all that in2...when I met my current partner I was actually at that point where I was getting panic attacks real bad and felt hopeless then he came along and snapped me out of it and boosted my confidence then i guess I grew to like him even more it wud just be nice to have some actual friends who are like me aswel or some sort of support group..

panicsurvivor

It seems there are alot of ppl in these situations, even "normal ppl" not just us..its good that u haven't cheated on her...what are you feeling needs to be done now tho do you want to leave her?

I have been in love once but it was a toxic relationship and mainly lustful so its another reason why i am starting to think true love is more then that like with my current partner its just so different

I really don't know. I have alot wrapped up with her, like I said money, property, debt, children, bank accounts. I am not miserable, she is my best friend like I said. I guess if I ever actually meet someone and fall in love than I will cross that bridge when I come to it.

missjesss said:

great responses from all of you its nice to know im not alone out there!

spring

I know exactly how you feel, I have been putting in alot more effort with my friends recently tho aswel & I do realise that I need to address this problem so I dont continue to date ppl im not all that in2...when I met my current partner I was actually at that point where I was getting panic attacks real bad and felt hopeless then he came along and snapped me out of it and boosted my confidence then i guess I grew to like him even more it wud just be nice to have some actual friends who are like me aswel or some sort of support group..

Click to expand...

dont take it too hard on your self,
i think explaining your mental situation to him would be a good idea and you would feel better ,

panicsurvivor said:

I love the woman I am with right now. But I am not in love with her, and I never have been. I know this because I have been in love before. I stay with her because she is a great person and we have kids together, not to mention a house and cars and animals and so forth. I have actually been thinking a lot about this lately, so it's strange that this thread came up. I don't cheat, and I am not unhappy with my girlfriend for the most part. But sometimes we are so many worlds apart that I don't understand why we are even together. I also feel sometimes like I am wronging her by staying with her because I am not in love with her. She is more like a best friend who I have sex with. I don't really know what I think at this point.........so anyone have any advice or opinions? I would like to hear them. Sorry for opening up so much on someone elses thread.::

Click to expand...

Hm, Survivor, this is the post that I had the intention to answer and then kinda lost track of it. If it's still relevant, I'll comment. If not, post about your current situation and we'll try to help!!

Well, I will respond anyway...

A lot of people find themselves in a situation that is somewhat similar..

There are ways for you both to find that magical feeling again... or to find it in the first place... even with the same person, either you or the other one or ideally both can do things to change dynamics...

If there is resentment or hurt feelings on both sides, it may be harder... Might want to try getting professional help or something? Or reading good books about communication, relationships or taking communication classes or such? (Together and/or apart?)
Then at least you will know you have tried...?

There are certain books that talk about behavior and other things that can make a man fall in love with a woman.. Some of these things may actually work, at least in some cases.. Not sure if she'd be willing to read books like this though.. That's just one of the options anyway...
Maybe she's unconsciously doing some of the things that make her too friend-like... And could perhaps easily change in a way to make you fall head over heels..

Also not sure if you read 5 languages of love? That could possibly be helpful too..
Lots of things you and she could try... It seems you and she perhaps both were at least a bit miserable/unhappy before, or not getting out of the relationship what you really wanted, so this could be your chance to make it better. Just my thoughts...

A friend of mine was unhappy with her husband too.. and then a few years later greatly missed him!! (and wanted him back!) So...??
It's easy to think 'the grass is greener' on the other side... and often people, if they don't learn from their mistakes, just do the same mistakes in the new relationship too.. and then get divorced again.. and wonder why..
so working on things could be helpful even if you do decide to go separate ways later on.. to at least know what went wrong and where, and to do it differently next time..

It's not a good position to be in. I'm on and off with someone I don't love purely because it would take a miracle for me to get someone else with my social anxiety.

I think your in an impossible situation.

But ethier way he will end up been hurt. You should tell him how you feel.