Suicide test fail

So at present I am staying in a 23 storey apartment. My thoughts turned to the question the crisis support counsellors ask me. Have you had any suicidal thoughts? I say no. Last night I thought about what if I jump? Yesterday these awful worrying thoughts wouldn't leave me for a moment. That the world is closing in around me, and a release from that would be a relief.

Well today I stepped out on my balcony, the breeze hit me, my toes curled up at the thought of how high up I was. I could barely summon the courage to look over the edge. I looked way down below at all the hard concrete metal and glass. I imagined how horrible it would be to plummet and crash up against those hard surfaces. It was like the fear of heights would suck me over the edge. I had to step back and go back inside an shut the door. I shivered, I needed to distance myself from those thoughts.

My test result there is no way I could end it that way. Beyond the precipice I can see and hear the ocean, and whenever I can get to the ocean, there is always a lifeline an a reason to live.

Attention seeking - I guess I am, I do seek validation, I suppose all humans do. I talk myself up as a form of denial about my failings and limitations which are obvious. I hide my failings in a closed of room in my soul ashamed anyone should find them there.

I suppose both the good and bad is true of us as humans. And ultimately that is what makes us human.Validation is that voice, rarely heard and often not taken seriously, that can come as a life-saver o counter those strident critical voices that lead to despair and giving up.

I can actually recall of a moment like that when I was working overseas and staying in a hotel. We were pretty high up and that thought creeped in of "could I do it?" Thankfully my answer was no. Plus Im utterly terrified of heights. I guess in a way thats one fear to not be ashamed of.

It's a very sensible fear to have isn't it Megaten.

The closest thing I had to testing how far one will go was in a dream. I was sitting in my living room with a bottle of alcohol and a gun with one bullet in it. So i finish the bottle then I shot myself. Ironically I woke up feeling more depressed that it wasn't real. That was during a crazy mental breakdown month for me. In real life however there are moments where I will look at something and start thinking of all the ways I can use that thing to end my life, like a belt or a knife and so forth.

Sometimes the thought crosses my mind. What if I crash into a tree while driving?

This was an incredibly poignant post and it speaks to a feeling that many of us can identify with.

Kiwong, if the thoughts of intentional car accidents become especially troubling--though it sounds like you're in a fairly safe place--there is help out there.

Thanks zharl, a great resource you have put together there. I am a regular on lifeline and beyond blue. I can honestly say I am not suicidal.

I'm happy to hear that! Congratulations!

Kiwong said:

Thanks zharl, a great resource you have put together there. I am a regular on lifeline and beyond blue. I can honestly say I am not suicidal.

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Also, would you say that lifeline and beyond blue are useful services? Has your experience been positive?

zharl said:

Also, would you say that lifeline and beyond blue are useful services? Has your experience been positive?

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They sure are useful. Lifeline gives people a voice when they need help. Beyond Blue have great programs such as new access which I have utilised this year. They have a free coaching session with a counsellor. I did some exposure therapy, which was helpful.

That's great to hear! I don't really have the time or patience to review all of those resources, so hearing from people who actually have had experience with them is exceedingly useful.

It would be great if you could write a little blurb about your personal experience that I could attach to lifeline and beyond blue, so that they are more than just a link. I think that actually hearing what the service has to offer would be a huge help and offer clarification to users who view the thread seeking assistance.

If you'd be willing to do that, PM me and I'll find a way to incorporate it into the thread.

http://www.socialphobiaworld.com/wh...s-always-just-around-the-corner-62427/page-2/

This thread explains the therapy

I remember when I was living in Blackheath walking along the cliff top track and I looked over a terrifying precipice and knew I couldn't jump, but the thought is always there.