Teacher with SA

Hi everyone, I am a 28 year old male, and I've had social phobia since I was 13. Right now I am feeling really depressed, so I decided to post on this forum, because maybe writing about my situation could make me feel a little better, even though it feels weird as I have never talked about this with anyone. Like some of the people here, I don't have any friends, and I've never had a girlfriend, I haven't even been close. I never talk to anyone outside of work except my mother, who I live with.
Here is where my story gets a little different than that of the rest, because my job could be described as a nightmare for anyone who suffers from social phobia; I am a teacher at a local university, I teach several entry level courses related to science. I have been doing this for almost two years, and I don't enjoy it at all, I do it because of lack of options; you'd think that after all this time doing it that I would be used to it by now, but the truth is sometimes I have to take sleeping pills because of the anxiety the job provokes me, and I still shudder before going into the classrooms, and during the lectures sometimes I think to myself: “What am I doing in front of all these people? They're all looking at me!”, but somehow I always manage to pull myself together and finish the two hour lectures. Of course it was a lot harder in the beginning.
The situation has been very difficult for the past few months, because I think I fell in love with a student, I can't get her out of my mind; the last time this happened to me was when I was a teenager, and that was a long time ago. She is not my student anymore because the semester ended a few weeks ago, but I could never approach her on a personal level because of my insecurities, I don't consider myself to be attractive at all and last but not least, she is ten years younger than me. I see her in the hallways once or twice a week on the way to my lectures, and I would like to walk up to her and just say hi and ask her how she is doing, not to ask her out or anything because I know I have absolutely no chance with her, just to act friendly, because I am pretty sure that right now she thinks that I am an arrogant bastard, on account of how the other day I was going to talk to her in the hallway, and even managed to make eye contact with her, but I panicked and immediately looked away, and started walking really fast pretending to check my cell phone. I am sure she saw that as a very rude gesture, being that I used to be her teacher; I should've at least said hi. The next time I saw her in the hallway, there was eye contact again, but this time she was the one who immediately looked away, I guess returning the favor. I've been wanting to talk to her since, just to show her that I can be friendly, but after that she's always been talking to other people, so I haven't had the chance, but even if I see her alone I don't know if I would have the guts to approach her.

Well, that's all I wanted to say, sorry for the long post.

I can relate apart from that you are a teacher.

I am about the same age (i'm 29) still live with my parents, no friends as such, never had a girlfriend etc. I find life very hard to live with this disorder, and my job is as a retail security guard which requires confidence......I feel sick with anxiety the night before going to work...I actually don't think i am suited to most jobs going anyway.

Good luck tuco Sorry, I don't have good advice.

I'm a fan of long posts. Being new here, it helps me get to know the users.

First of all I think it's really fascinating that you went into teaching. I fall into the majority of those who would find that terrifying knowing all those people are listening intently (hopefully) to what the teacher is saying. That said, I love to teach and help others, so your story gives me a little hope! I admire you for being able to do this. What made you pursue teaching, knowing your condition at such a young age?

With the authority status being in the way, it is possible she feels the same way but hesitates out of respect for your position. I switched from a BA to a BSc which meant I had to take a high school chemistry course to catch up. I think I was 20 or 21 at the time, I can't recall. Anyway, I definitely fell for my teacher. I've never had a crush on a celebrity figure or anyone remotely out of my "league" so to speak and he certainly was with likely at least seven years my senior. Knowing limitations can be a real wake up call. But he was the sole exception and forgive the crazy detail but after the semester ended I wrote him an email and told him exactly how I felt. He never did reply, but I didn't expect him to. For me, it was important that he at least knew. A nothing ventured nothing gained situation. And sure, rejection sucks, but I never have to look back and say, "What if?" It was good closure!

I'm not sure what the rules are with teachers and former students at your school so I won't advise you in any way. I just thought I'd share that.

It must be hard to have SA & be a teacher. I've encountered two that I believe probably have/had SA. One was my 7th grade Science teacher, & another was my Civilizations II professor from Spring of '09.

I wanted to be a science teacher but I've realised I don't have the smarts for it, oh and of course SA is a pretty big problem too! Welcome to this site!

Thank you all for your responses

First of all I think it's really fascinating that you went into teaching. I fall into the majority of those who would find that terrifying knowing all those people are listening intently (hopefully) to what the teacher is saying. That said, I love to teach and help others, so your story gives me a little hope! I admire you for being able to do this. What made you pursue teaching, knowing your condition at such a young age?

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Where I live, the career path that I chose only offers opportunities in teaching, be it in high school or college; I really didn't want to teach so before finishing my degree I applied for many jobs that had nothing to do with what I studied, but in the end I had to take the job at the university, it was either that or nothing, and I prefer this to doing nothing, even with my problem.
And yes, if I have been able to do this you would be able to do it as well, because you like teaching, unlike me. It's difficult, especially when you're starting, but you have to prepare very well for your classes, so it's kind of like a controlled environment where everything is scripted. I also try to look at the whole group of people like a single entity, so it's like a one on one conversation, because the students are asking questions all the time, and I try to make eye contact with most of them while I'm talking. But in spite of all this, the job still makes me very anxious every day like I said in my first post

I'm not sure what the rules are with teachers and former students at your school so I won't advise you in any way. I just thought I'd share that.

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I don't think there are any rules against teachers dating former students where I work, but I still don't think I'll tell her how I feel, I just want to say hi, and make some small talk (which is very hard for me) so she doesn't think I don't like her or that I am some kind of ogre because of how I've acted before (looking away without even saying hi), but this is exactly what would make the situation very awkward in case I decided to approach her. But now that I remember, she has caught me looking at her several times, so maybe she suspects.

That's really too bad that the path was so limiting. What would you want to do, if you could have the career of your dreams? That's a good way to look at it, that the class is one entity. I probably should be more specific - I'd be a better tutor than a teacher. When I think back on those presentations in front of the class I shudder to think of making a career out of it. But! I'd imagine it can be very rewarding to see that lightbulb go on in a student's head.

Telling someone how you feel can be rather terrifying and I know what I did was somewhat remarkable, especially given the anxiety issues. I completely understand why you'd want her to know all those things. I would suggest saying hello again in passing if you're up for it, throwing in a smile. Everyone has their down days, she knows that.

That's really too bad that the path was so limiting. What would you want to do, if you could have the career of your dreams?

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That's a difficult question, even at this age I don't even know what I want in life, to be honest life doesn't make much sense to me, but maybe I would like a job where I can travel, visit new places.

Tuco said:

That's a difficult question, even at this age I don't even know what I want in life, to be honest life doesn't make much sense to me, but maybe I would like a job where I can travel, visit new places.

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I'm only three years behind you. I don't have much of a clue either. Well, I do, but it's not realistic as this Type A girl has school as the major anxiety trigger. I think I learn more during the summer when I have no institution to answer to/test me with exams. They should offer papers/labs-only degrees! I hope you get your wish. You know, some of my professors do little else other than field research that calls for lots of travel.

Tuco - I'm also a teacher with SA. Give yourself credit! You're clearly a wonderful person. Although you say you're in your job because of lack of options, it's a great job. And very very very few people actually have the balls to stand up and speak in front of all those people. You need to stop seeing yourself as abnormally nervous and realise that actually you're pretty normal. Who cares if when you're speaking you're wondering what the heck you're doing; the fact is that you're doing it - more than most! And if you were terrible at it, surely you wouldn't still have a job?

As for the student...I think that at least 99.9% of the world's population become nervous and goofy when they're around someone they really really like. Maybe you're moreso than most, but the fact that you had the balls to ask this girl how she was tells me already that you're more sure of yourself than you know!

Good luck in teaching, love and life! Wish you all the best. xxx