The Endless Void

SilentBird

Well-known member
Existential torment
Thrust into this life
Kicking and screaming
I appear to become
Quiet
He seems peaceful
Kind
I am still
Kicking and screaming
Rage burning
Hotter and hotter
Because of existing
In this world
Where there is nothing
Nothing left
For me
Inside of me
Things
Used to make me happy
Happiness is gone
I am writhing
Inside
A meaningless existence
There is no
Meaning
In life
There is
Just joy
In being
There is
Only love
What happens
When love is gone?
 
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SilentBird

Well-known member
^ thanks. Maybe death needs to happen to the parts of oneself that no longer serve.

Graeme1988, I enjoy your style of expression. I am reminded of reading Irvine Welsh and Trainspotting.
 
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Graeme1988

Hie yer hence from me heath!
Graeme1988, I enjoy your style of expression. I am reminded of reading Irvine Welsh and Trainspotting.

Aw, thanks! Wait... what?! Irvine Welsh? Me? Ha! F**k off! :eek: Yer jokin', right? Ah mean, c'mon! Like seriously...? Awright, f**k it! Ah'll stop wi' the questions and take that comparison as a compliment, ah think? It did make me smile, ah'll no lie aboot that. And a wee bit embarrassed! :shyness: Though ah'd disagree with that comparison slightly. Only comparision between maself an' Irvine Welsh that ah ever made was that we're both Scottish. :bigsmile:

Transpotting... ah huv'nae read the book for awhile. The movie adaptation kinda overshadowed the book itself ah think, tae some extent. Though, it's no hard tae see why... the film is f**kin' brilliant! Ah must start readin' again... once ah kick ma heroine addiction.

^ (Am just kiddin', of course. Ah cannae afford heroine! See what ah did, there? <--- a wee in-joke reference)
 

SilentBird

Well-known member
William S. Burroughs quote


Naked+Lunch.jpg

"I deplore brutality," he said. "It's not efficient. On the other hand, prolonged mistreatment, short of physical violence, gives rise, when skillfully applied, to anxiety and a feeling of special guilt. A few rules or rather guiding principles are to be borne in mind. The subject must not realize that the mistreatment is a deliberate attack of an anti-human enemy on his personal identity. He must be made to feel that he deserves any treatment he receives because there is something (never specified) horribly wrong with him. The naked need of the control addicts must be decently covered by an arbitrary and intricate bureaucracy so that the subject cannot contact his enemy direct." - Naked Lunch
 
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mikebird

Banned
I'm on a very similar journey. I have to keep a copy of your amazing image!

One surprise. Puzzled about a material posession of which we all have to let us access the incredible worldwide global connection. I thought I could rely on hardware to maintain contact and much more. Ongoing software can vary and easily be controlled. Always an upgrade path since the 1980s. First encounter with electronic failure causing repeated crashes. Replacing storage media has been required, but no circuit board has ever died. Natural fixer & minder, but cash not available for a replacement.
 

SilentBird

Well-known member
^ Thanks Mike.

I have had 2 computers over the last 10 years. They have been very robust. The last one was about as efficient as an abacus. I dismantled it, mangled it, that took some doing, popping rivets, vacuuming dust.

Here's two of my trust-worthy possessions:

NAD_3020i.jpg

NAD Stereo Amplifier 3020i - I've used this regularly for 20 years.



ride.jpg

Scorpio RA-100 Road Cycle - I've ridden this regularly for 11 years.
 
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SilentBird

Well-known member
Freak on Display

13 years ago:

I am ugly and useless. It couldn’t be more embarrassing. I am a clumsy acting fool and I am very drained in spirit. I have been desperately treading water for the past twenty-seven years and I am so very tired. I have no appreciation that life could be any different from what it has been. How can I accept this? Living in tiresome mediocrity, out of my own design and harsh judgments of others.

Never have I welcomed the daunting prospect of life, which seems like a thousand vacant years. Never have I enjoyed anything enough to hold it as a basis for vocation. Never have I had enough concentration to comprehend anything completely. Never have I told myself, “I really am OK” or acted accordingly. Never have I been the equal to anyone, only have I been inferior.

Always with these feelings, I tread abandoned – by myself and others so crucial – in the middle of an ocean, which when calm is a chore I resent, and when stormy is the torture of hell. Please don’t dismiss this, it is painfully real to me. Please, I beg for compassion, even though I may be indulging in excessive self-pity. I am desperate. If only I could scream, but I am all-screamed-out and I’m finding it hard not to let the sea take me, for if it does only then would I have peace.

As you hear [read] this, would what you do or say be any different to what has been done or said many times before? Would life be any different for me? It seems so futile to mention this to you but I am mentioning it anyway. Would you send me somewhere I haven’t been before? Or would you lead me to a road I haven’t walked before? What else can I do?

How do I change an image of myself that has been reflected for at least half my life? I look in the mirror and particular features are repulsive to me. How could any woman I find attractive be attracted to me?

I am such an embarrassment to look at and to listen to. The things I say and do only a fool would be worthy of. I cannot bring myself to think of certain things I have done, and the way I have led my life.

I am ashamed of so much I have done and I am ashamed of so little I have accomplished. It is true that I see myself as a failure, preparing me to fail again and again.

This gift of life I am so ungrateful of and of the person I am who leads it is now such a sick joke. How could it be any other way? How? After twenty-seven years can I ever be different? What else can I do?

Update:

I am still breathing.
 
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Graeme1988

Hie yer hence from me heath!
Re: Freak on Display

13 years ago:

I am ugly and useless. It couldn’t be more embarrassing. I am a clumsy acting fool and I am very drained in spirit. I have been desperately treading water for the past twenty-seven years and I am so very tired. I have no appreciation that life could be any different from what it has been. How can I accept this? Living in tiresome mediocrity, out of my own design and harsh judgments of others.

Never have I welcomed the daunting prospect of life, which seems like a thousand vacant years. Never have I enjoyed anything enough to hold it as a basis for vocation. Never have I had enough concentration to comprehend anything completely. Never have I told myself, “I really am OK” or acted accordingly. Never have I been the equal to anyone, only have I been inferior.

Always with these feelings, I tread abandoned – by myself and others so crucial – in the middle of an ocean, which when calm is a chore I resent, and when stormy is the torture of hell. Please don’t dismiss this, it is painfully real to me. Please, I beg for compassion, even though I may be indulging in excessive self-pity. I am desperate. If only I could scream, but I am all-screamed-out and I’m finding it hard not to let the sea take me, for if it does only then would I have peace.

Naw! Ah would judge ye harshly or anythin' like...

As you hear [read] this, would what you do or say be any different to what has been done or said many times before? Would life be any different for me? It seems so futile to mention this to you but I am mentioning it anyway. Would you send me somewhere I haven’t been before? Or would you lead me to a road I haven’t walked before? What else can I do?

Well, SilentBird fur a start... ah would tell ya that yer no as ugly as ye think. :idontknow: Would ah send ye somewhere ya huv'nae been? Aye - Scotland! C'mon, it'll be a right f**kin' laugh! You an' me takin' a wee trip tae Stirling. Stirling Castle, William Wallace, Braveheart an' aw that. Freedom! It'd be pure f**kin' quality, man. Aw, you'd get fae me is:

"Aw, look at that! Great, innit? Quality! Whoa! Hawd on a sec. Ah think am gonnae..." (vomit)
"See? Ah telt ye..." (Oops, forget tae mention we're walkin' aroon Stirling Castle steamin' drunk)
:giggle:

How do I change an image of myself that has been reflected for at least half my life? I look in the mirror and particular features are repulsive to me. How could any woman I find attractive be attracted to me?

I am such an embarrassment to look at and to listen to. The things I say and do only a fool would be worthy of. I cannot bring myself to think of certain things I have done, and the way I have led my life.

I am ashamed of so much I have done and I am ashamed of so little I have accomplished. It is true that I see myself as a failure, preparing me to fail again and again.

This gift of life I am so ungrateful of and of the person I am who leads it is now such a sick joke. How could it be any other way? How? After twenty-seven years can I ever be different? What else can I do?

Update:

I am still breathing.

Am no sure aboot the looks, in terms of changing. Ah huv'nae a clue why people would be attracted tae me either. Though, am sure yer nice tae listen to. Unlike me with ma borin' monotone Scottish voice. Eh... nae idea what am sayin' now. Am just ramblin' now, as per usual. Nice tae know yer still breathin', though. Ah cannae hold ma breathe fur less than a minute - a wee joke! :bigsmile:

Anyway, aw the best. :thumbup:
 
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SilentBird

Well-known member
Re: Freak on Display

Anyway, aw the best. :thumbup:

Your detailed response is really appreciated. It's true that there is a whole wide world out there. I would like to travel. Castles and the landscape in Scotland seem fascinating. As for the Scottish accent, it sounds to me full of character. I like your deadpan sense of humour, a lot of us Kiwi are like that.

I do get a good vibe off quite a few people, in that they show appreciation of me. Some are drawn to me as a person they feel they can confide in. I’ve even had a few ladies tell me they love me. It’s nice that I was able to experience that even though it didn’t work out. Maybe my looks don’t matter as much as I think and that my personality more than makes up for it. I do like to wear stylish clothes so I must have some pride in my appearance and believe I am at least a little bit attractive.

I need to stop holding my breath.

Thanks :thumbup:
 
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