The journal that will never exist

Section_31

Well-known member
Soooo my boss informs me im going to Vancouver for training for 2 days in june. Flight, hotel, and meals all paid for......

And on the heels of that I may be suddenly getting a new car, because my vehicle is way too impractical for the downtown environment ill be working and driving in....

bamboozle!!! all these changes!...this is like a whole new me!!!...and I look damn good in a suit if I may say so myself!!. Tailored suit, nice luxury car......daaayuuumm

Ladies! phone numbers please!!! :D
 

Section_31

Well-known member
Well, im laid off. A week earlier than expected. This actually happened 3 days ago on Wednesday. So now I have a week to kill before I start my new job. Lots of time to overthink and get nervous.

The car didn't work out. That's ok though, all good things take work and time. Im going to give it a year and try again. See where im at a year from now.

Im feeling mildly nervous about this new position, but I think that's because its something new. Im going to throw myself into this and give it my all. I think once im into it the anxiety will pass.

Now its just a matter of treating this next week like a holiday and waiting for my severance to come in.
 

Section_31

Well-known member
Something I had planned with someone didn't work out tonight. With no word from them. Not really sure what to think.

My gut tells me what it thinks. My mind and heart are in conflict. It may involve removing someone from my life entirely. Im not sure. This all revolves around trust and a truth that I discovered was a fiction.

Im too tired to process all this at the moment. Im going to put this aside and think about it later. I have a whole week, not like I have anything else on the go.

to bed.
 

Section_31

Well-known member
I wish I could say I felt better about what I'm thinking. Even if it's for my better interest.

There's been too much of this the last year.
 

Section_31

Well-known member
I'm tired. And sick. And tired.

I'm sure that's not helping my mental state. I'm not myself tonight.

Alone. There's no word that emphasizes such a finality, or a silent fear. Alone. I'm not talking about the peace-bringing alone that we experience. I mean true, alone.

Alone.

I'm pondering this word and meaning tonight.

I think I should stop thinking and sleep.

Alone.
 

TreeBones

Well-known member
I'm tired. And sick. And tired.

I'm sure that's not helping my mental state. I'm not myself tonight.

Alone. There's no word that emphasizes such a finality, or a silent fear. Alone. I'm not talking about the peace-bringing alone that we experience. I mean true, alone.

Alone.

I'm pondering this word and meaning tonight.

I think I should stop thinking and sleep.

Alone.

Tonight, or should I say last night, I had to drive a long six hours.
My mom took over for a little while and she rolled down the skylight window because she knows I like to look out.
I was lying down looking at the stars and I don't know if it was my day or the music I was listening to but I started to feel really alone and started thinking about it really hard, I then stopped myself because I didn't want to get depressed but I'm still lingering on that word too.."alone"
Hopefully this will pass soon for both of us.
Try to fake a smile, sometimes it makes me feel better :)
 
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Section_31

Well-known member
the last 2 weeks have been busy, very very busy, and very mentally taxing. Ive been learning a lot with my new job. It was hard at first, calling random strangers and inviting them down to my office for interviews. But after 2.5 weeks im getting really good at it. My boss says im way ahead of where my predecessor was at this point and hes happy. Next I start learning the marketing aspect, that is, contacting client companies, lining up job orders, and trying to place our candidates. Once I get good at that I can start making bonuses with my salary.

I wont lie. This is pushing me. Ive had days where I wonder just wtf im doing. Days where inwardly I feel depressed and want to give up. Ive found its much easier to focus on just getting through the day than to think of the big picture. Then I go home, and sleep it off usually, and im ok to go. This is a little scary, and a little stressful, but I want to push myself. And I promised myself I wouldn't let this scare me away, that I wanted to give it a full solid year at least. And im sticking to that.

Despite my nerves, my boss is quite enthusiastic about me and says im doing a great job. Hes a very easy guy to get along with, so that's good. As is everybody else in my office. Its not a competitive, sharky environment at all. In fact quite the opposite. Everybody works together and we try to cross sell our divisions. If I get someone who's looking for a temp or contract position, I forward their info to the temp team. And vice versa. Not what I expected, and that's a pleasant surprise.

A lot to learn. After doing the same thing for 12 years, and suddenly stepping outside of that, and trying to learn a new skill from scratch, its very difficult. But im enjoying the challenge, even if im exhausted at the end of the day. I find my day IS a lot longer. I get home now around 6 pm, go to bed by 9 or 10. Get up for 6. I need at least that much sleep, otherwise its a lot harder.

The one thing I havnt been able to get around is my paruresis. Its a bitch. I cant do my business in the company bathrooms on any floor. I end up just taking little tiny sips of water at my desk all day, enough to keep my mouth wet, and stave off thirst. And hold it until I get home. I hate that, but its the only way ive been able to make it work.

Ive opened up further to my dad about this. He wants to help me find help. Hes really understanding....so much so to the point that when I say I need him to leave and go for a drive so I can use the bathroom, he does so with no questions or odd looks. He feels bad for seeing me go through this. One thing weve discussed is the possibility I may have to be single for the rest of my life. or at least until I can get some proper help and try to get a better handle on this. I say get a better handle because every paruretic ive spoken to says you never really beat it, it gets easier, then worse, then easier. But its an ongoing struggle. Some have families, some don't. Some avoid relationships or jobs because of it. Some even get suicidal. Im nowhere near that at all, not even on the radar. But im just examining everything. Paruresis doesn't define me. its not ME. but like it or not it IS my reality. And I just have to work with it. Maybe one day it'll be behind me, but im honestly not optimistic.

Ill try to keep more on top of the updates. But I find at the end of the day during the week im so bushed I just want to have a hot shower, eat and go to bed. I apologize for that dear reader. But ill try to stay more on top of this.
 

Section_31

Well-known member
theres so much to post, I automatically feel overwhelmed when I think about trying to word it all.

oi.....im going to walk away from the computer for now. Sorry dear reader. I don't have it in me at the moment.
 

Section_31

Well-known member
im hurting inside. from something I cant speak of here right now -.-

Im tired. because I have something come up soon that must be done. Its going to be unpleasant and drawn out. and probably emotional and ugly. And it makes me feel like an awful person for doing so. A bad person. But at this point theres no other way forward really,

Im mildly scared. That im not doing well at my job. Even though my boss tells me frequently im doing very well and hes impressed with me. Im not seeing the results im trying for. and im trying so hard. Im scared of failure.

Im lonely. Because while im in love with someone, in a very complicated situation, and theres just no time for us. I almost broke it off. Instead I compromised and distanced us for now. That's made things a little easier.

Im scared about the future right now. But im trying really hard to make it into something good.

Im exhausted. From struggling with my paruresis. Im so tired of living this way it isn't funny. And I wish people would stop telling me I cant let it run me, or to drink enough until I have to go. Or to catheterize myself. None of those 2 things work, and the third im not doing because of long term health impacts. drop it.

I think of how alone I really am. That the only real social interaction I have person to person, is at work.

I don't mean to wallow. Im holding together. But I need to figure out a change. Just don't know what it is exactly yet.

im tired. and I hurt inside.
 

Section_31

Well-known member
why was I there again?.

why oh why am I so inclined to think emotionally with my heart instead of my head?. I knew that would have no good end. But I did it anyway.

Ugh.

Im too tired to elaborate. Or think. From this day on im putting myself first. im so tired.

Im going to make myself happy. somehow.

starting tomorrow.
 
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