PugofCrydee
You want to know how I got these scars?
A lot has changed since I was last posting (around 6-9 months ago).
I was with my partner for almost 20 years. We had a lot of good times. During the last 3.5 years of that relationship she became an alcoholic and addicted to prescription medication. I tried to help her over those 3.5 years, I tried everything. From putting advice from professional drug and alcohol councillors and relationship councillors into practice, to talking and pleading with her. Sometimes begging with her. She would make promises and continue the lie that very day. In the end after she put (once again) our financial standing at risk, and the safety of our children at risk, I could take no more.
I asked her to move out. She did.
I've come to realise over those 20 years we lost contact with a lot of friends, a natural thing as one becomes involved with ones own family. People weave their way in and out of each others lives.
Now I am a single Dad with 2 beautiful boys. But I have AvPD, quite severely.
I crave close personal friendships. I don't want a million friends, just a few of them with whom we know and trust each other. Why can't I find them?..
Something stops me from feeling like I can trust people though and this leads to a very real barrier in forming any friendships.
People say I'm likeable. People say I'm good looking(I think I'm just average).
I almost feel.. ashamed that I have no friends. Yet I am strong and secure in the fact I can stand on my own.
I like it, but I hate it.. I sometimes feel like Gollum.
'Master wouldn't betray us, Master's our friend'
'You don't have any friends, nobody likes you!'..
When I get down it's like a shadow comes over me and I wish I had a mountain to crawl under, a ring to keep me company and lots of fish to eat.
But... I refuse to simply give in, as bad as it gets. Well I haven't yet.
I figure I've been happy before, I may yet find happiness again.
I just hope I can find it (or it finds me) before the shadow decides to overwhelm me.
I was with my partner for almost 20 years. We had a lot of good times. During the last 3.5 years of that relationship she became an alcoholic and addicted to prescription medication. I tried to help her over those 3.5 years, I tried everything. From putting advice from professional drug and alcohol councillors and relationship councillors into practice, to talking and pleading with her. Sometimes begging with her. She would make promises and continue the lie that very day. In the end after she put (once again) our financial standing at risk, and the safety of our children at risk, I could take no more.
I asked her to move out. She did.
I've come to realise over those 20 years we lost contact with a lot of friends, a natural thing as one becomes involved with ones own family. People weave their way in and out of each others lives.
Now I am a single Dad with 2 beautiful boys. But I have AvPD, quite severely.
I crave close personal friendships. I don't want a million friends, just a few of them with whom we know and trust each other. Why can't I find them?..
Something stops me from feeling like I can trust people though and this leads to a very real barrier in forming any friendships.
People say I'm likeable. People say I'm good looking(I think I'm just average).
I almost feel.. ashamed that I have no friends. Yet I am strong and secure in the fact I can stand on my own.
I like it, but I hate it.. I sometimes feel like Gollum.
'Master wouldn't betray us, Master's our friend'
'You don't have any friends, nobody likes you!'..
When I get down it's like a shadow comes over me and I wish I had a mountain to crawl under, a ring to keep me company and lots of fish to eat.
But... I refuse to simply give in, as bad as it gets. Well I haven't yet.
I figure I've been happy before, I may yet find happiness again.
I just hope I can find it (or it finds me) before the shadow decides to overwhelm me.
