The thing you avoid is the thing you want most in the world?

Is it safe to assume that the things you avoid; women, intimacy, close physical contact is something you crave desperately but don't have the ability (panic, anxiousness, shyness, etc.) to make it happen? I assume the IDEA of it or her is what makes you anxious (scared) and want to avoid without even knowing the outcome or the potential????

Is this the situation most of you find yourselves in? Would this be with ONE GIRL inparticular that you like or with all women you find attractive?

If so, have you done anything to change it to help yourself; therapy, meds, journaling, exposure techniques?

What goes through your mind when you have to walk by her or in a room, go towards her (or them) and not be able to avoid the situation and have to deal with it head on?



Just curious

I don't crave women, intimacy, and physical contact but I am scared of them and Im not sure why. Seems to me I have been this way since grade 6 and the only reason I can think of as to why I act this way is because I didn't want my parents to tease me about having a relationship because it would hurt my pride so much.

I have gone to the grocery store where there are attractive cashiers but I always seem to avoid them at all costs when I'm in there. Getting a hair cut can be difficult for this reason. Nothing really goes through my mind in terms of though becuase i'm so hyped up on the fight or flight. Its the physical symptoms that cause my anxiety and the anxiety that causes the physical symptoms. I get the nervous smile which only causes me mmore anxiety and then my hands start shaking which gives me more anxiety and so on and so forth.

I get the parent thing but that was a long time a go i am guessing and most people do want some sort of relationship and/or future, children with the opposite sex - unless they prefer same sex. Do you know why you are so scared of THEM per say..you don't know them and they haven't done anything to you i imagine????


What goes through your head???

I guess that was my point or question rather..do you reject the things you want?

I think its so sad and really unrealistic tot hink it would change without effort or taking a chance..a leap of faith..especially if no harm will come to you, physical or otherwise.

What if she has feelings for you too, and she feels rejected by your avoidance that would be a real shame, wouldn it be?

I know very shy men (two) one at work, one i am related to, will be in a room with a woman, stare at her for looooooong periods of time..from AFAR..but never speak to her..just speak to everyone else that is in the room while still facing/looking at HER (not the person he's talking to) so in a way, that is avoidance even when they put themselves in the position to be NEAR THE GIRL..am i off on this?


Its nerve racking bcuz i have been on the receivng end of this and you feel helpless and really don't know what to do for the guy..if you take the initiative they basically fall apart and can't speak or they just get really scared and scurry out of the room..politely of course, but very quickly when the anxiety sets in..its heartbreaking when they can't control themselves!

I want so badly to be able to talk with people and not be afraid of how I speak....that's something I avoid big time. So for me, yes..I avoid what I want

Definitely. The thing that I'm wanting most is to go to university and get a doctorate. Yet I haven't opened my text books in two weeks.

I'm no longer avoiding certain aspects of my life. I'm in completely new territory and always feel bizarre and challenged (my head tells me that I don't belong and that I don't deserve), but still. It's such a fight, but what else is there?

YES fight through it..ignore the voices..its BS..its all you can do, you are so correct and the rewards will be so worth it

Yeah your right! That is so true. When guys have asked me out since ive had this social phobia i've always said no time and time again because i always assume it wont work out. I liked this guy i met at college last year and he asked me out and i just said no. I was so shy. And plus guys have let me down before. Thats probably also why. Its hard!

i do it because i destroy things. Simple as that

I always pass by people I like but assume they dont like me because im not like them. 1 Who I really like doesnt know my name.

TooShyShy said:

Is it safe to assume that the things you avoid; women, intimacy, close physical contact is something you crave desperately but don't have the ability (panic, anxiousness, shyness, etc.) to make it happen? I assume the IDEA of it or her is what makes you anxious (scared) and want to avoid without even knowing the outcome or the potential????

Is this the situation most of you find yourselves in? Would this be with ONE GIRL inparticular that you like or with all women you find attractive?

If so, have you done anything to change it to help yourself; therapy, meds, journaling, exposure techniques?

What goes through your mind when you have to walk by her or in a room, go towards her (or them) and not be able to avoid the situation and have to deal with it head on?



Just curious

Click to expand...

That's actually a really good question. It's not the same with all guys. I don't avoid the ones that are just friends or strangers. It normally occurs and is with one certain person that I happen to like.

In my case, if I'm forced into a situation where I have to talk with them I end up giggling like an idiot, your mind goes blank, etc. It's an awful thing to deal with but I'm working on pushing forward and just doing it. I would hate to think something could have happened but I didn't let it have a chance.

If, when I attracted to someone, the avoidance goes out the window.
I look at it as someone who will love and care for me, then I back pedal into avoidance when I can't give in return.

I'm the same way, except with boys... And I don't fully understand it because it's something I want deep down inside of me. But no matter how much I do want a relationship or someone to call "mine", I can't break out of my comfort shell. It terrifies me and I have mini panic attacks. I hate it! ):

To answer the question in the thread title, yes, absolutely, it's basically what all my SA issues are about. I avoid looking out for these things, but if they get to me, at least I don't walk away from them, and the most meaningful thing I've done about it is described here:

http://www.socialphobiaworld.com/the-crazy-thing-i-did-last-monday-36584/

I feel people should only embark on a journey of love and intermissy,when you feel your ready to become a one womens man,or a one mans woman. Like when your not with some one roam the seas.. but when you meat some one and you say I LOVE you mean it.. don't **** around when on a night out, know the true meaning of the word! Then Maybe!! hearts won't be broken.. I mean I'm not hostile towards lying,cheating,disease spreading sluts+men/women.. trust should never be abused and love not forsaken.... That's my philosophy :-/

Confrontation is a big one for me I think, as well as making mistakes or people finding out I did, and being open for rejection. I don't always avoid these and there are specific occurrences in which I avoid more frequently then others. I do definitely try to not step on any toes as much as I can, being disliked and having people angry or hostile toward me for things I've done I avoid very much.

Yes, I usually avoid these things, esepcially attractive girls.

When I see friendship, it upsets me, becuase I want it soo much, and know I can not get it.
When I see an attractive girl, I try to avoid looking at her, becuase if she sees me looking at her, she'll judge me, and act like I'm a parasite or don't exist, which hurts even more.

I try to block out girls and put my thoughts on guys. IMO, guys are more accepting then girls, and don't judge me, like girls do. I would stand a more chance in being with a guy, then a girl.I went from straight, to bi and trying to become gay. I'm good at controlling my mind like that. Unfortunately, I still have feeling for girls, which is not good for me.

Last night, I seena cute girl at Shopper Drug Mart at the cashier, and she spoek well to me and I spoke without trouble. It's rare when that happens. Of course, it is part of her job to be polite, but I didn't gt any bad vibes from her. If I encoutner a girl who is pretending to be polite becuase of their job or for whatevr reason, I can sense if they are genuine or not. One of my gifts.

When I see someone talking in good communication skills (which is pretty much everyone), I compare myself to them, and think of how easy it is for them, and why I can't speak well like that.

My Sister last night, was talking and I admired how well she did explaining things to my Dad, about technology and smart phone apps. I couldn't do that, nearly as good. I don't have to correct words in my vocubulary to properly explain things, and also my mind goes blank.

I'm a romantic at heart I guess, so I've always wanted love: to be loved, and to love someone. And yes, it's scary, mainly because I have difficulty trusting people. I have not done enough to overcome that

TooShyShy said:

Is it safe to assume that the things you avoid; women, intimacy, close physical contact is something you crave desperately but don't have the ability (panic, anxiousness, shyness, etc.) to make it happen?

Click to expand...

Yes. Mostly it's just the sex that I want. I'm not keen to open up emotionally to a woman. If she tries to open up to me, it makes me unsure of what to do, afraid of letting her down, or afraid she expects the same.

I realize that this is an attitude that most women and probably even most people in general find shallow, selfish and maybe exploitative. I'm going to own it anyway and refuse to be ashamed of it. It's less something wrong with me than it is a practical problem. The practical solution is to find a woman who's okay with that.

When I was younger and better-looking I went through a time when I went out to clubs and asked women to dance. At first I was scared half to death of doing that, but I tamped down my fear by telling myself that my chance of success was about 0%, so being turned down was no failure at all. It turned out to be a lot higher than that, even when I picked out the prettiest girl in the place. Once after being turned down by a major babe I kept on talking and somehow managed to charm her onto the dance floor, even though the longer we talked, the less I liked her, and by the time we got out there I didn't like her at all.

Step two -- making small talk -- was where I always blew it. Being more interested in connecting with her body than her person made it hard to think of things to talk about. Worrying that she'd be turned off if she knew my intentions made it even more difficult.

Even so, sometimes when the lights went on there she was, waiting for me to take her home. At that point I usually panicked. My usual excuse for not following through was that I'd forgotten her name and I couldn't face the awkwardness and possible offense of asking it again. In some cases I left her standing there angry but did left anyway.

Hardly a day goes by when I don't kick myself about not following through. Some days I kick myself all day. I kick myself until my stomach is in knots.