MrMonk
New member
hey, i know there's many posts about this...well obviously cause it's the agoraphobia forums 
but talking about it is a good step to getting better.
alright, so i'm jason but majority of my friends call me Monk. there's a story behind the name but i won't get into that hehe. i just recently turned 22 on monday and enough is enough, i'm tired of living like this. well i've been having these panic attacks probably since i was 17 and i've actually only found out what the real definition of what i have just within the past few months. so i'm not 100% sure what started it all but my guess is school and my life at home. back in school, i wasn't the cooliest kid around, i'm was extremely shy and just did my own thing. before i was in grade 6, i was actually doing pretty well in school, good grades and the whole schbang. then one day there was this math test, i study'd and i was sure i was gonna past it. the next day i got this test back, instead of getting the usual 90%+, i had gotten 18% and every test i ever had from then on was always around 40-50% and i my life started going downhill. i started skipping school to get away from the douchebags at school. eventualy, i met this so called friend "Mike" and i started hanging out with him. that probably was the biggiest mistake of my life, him and his buddys were a really bad crowd to hang around. we started doing pranks, when started turning into more serious stuff like stealing and vandalizing school property and so on. now back at home, my whole family was really seriously christian and therefore i was brought up to be christian. now once my "friends" realized i was christian and i didn't really wanna do half the stuff they wanted to do, i started to become the outsider i wasn't liked anymore. which then my life went downhill evenmore, these pranks and stuff started happening to me, i started getting picked on and bullied. so now i started skipping school alot, when i say alot i mean like weeks at a time, at one time i skipped a month of school and the school didn't really seem to care for some reason. they would just except me back and put me in my same class, then i would start skipping again and this would just repeat. so around this time i lived at home with my mom (haven't seen my dad is probably 8-9 years now) and i was starting to steal money from my mom and she got fed up with it and my brother moved back home. now keep in mind my brother is 10 years older than i am, so he started to crack down on me skipping school and my bad behaviour. so now my brother coming down on me and me not wanting to even get close to being in school started to clash. i was so stressed out, i would go to school for half a day then skip and i would always try to come up with reasons of why i wasn't at school. overtime, i started sleep walking alot at night and like i said just becoming really emotionally stressed out and i didn't know what to do. so when i turned 16, i instantly dropped out of school. i thought things would get better but they didn't at all. i started staying home alot avoiding public contact, i didn't wanna work. just cause i didn't want i was afraid of my old friends that they were gonna come beat me up or something. and don't get me wrong, i did get in fights that i couldn't win, i found myself running like crazy when i saw one of them around. so then i turned 17 and realized my bro is a Jackass and i found that even though i was trying to be good, i wasn't believed cause of my bad past. so finally i said enough is enough and my grandpa was nice enough to let me move in without having to pay rent. so i did that for about a year and i didn't really get my first job til i was 18. then i realized, this fear of being around ppl was coming back to haunt me cause it was like school. even though, nobody was coming after me or trying to beat me up but i couldn't get it in my head that wasn't the case. i was always afraid that, hey this job is pretty popular and what if they come work here. then what, they would come after me again. so i quit numberous jobs, i didn't stay at a job longer then longer than 4 months. my first job i felt safe at was Maple Leaf Pork where it was nice and loud in there, nobody really talked much there, they just did their job. but in time i got tired of that job cause i was sick of being around dead pigs. so i was afraid to go anywhere else til a friend recommened working at this dollar store. i was really emotionally worried in my head that ya know, i'll probably have to go be cashier and help the public. but something else told me inside, i need to do this, i need to get myself over this fear. when the day came and i started going on cashier IT WAS HELL. the first couple customers it was ok...but then it got really busy and customers were constant. i couldn't leave, i was forced to stay up there with all these ppl. so then i started getting this minor panic attacks, my breathing started becoming more rapid, i was sweating under the pressure, i tried breathing through my nose but i was all stuffed up and i was in big trouble. it got really bad one day and i started taking a deep breath but i wouldn't exhale properly and my head started to tingle like i was about to pass out. which then i would buzz for somebody to come up to the front and relieve me, where i would then go and escape to the bathroom, so i could take deep breaths and try to relax myself. sometimes it would work, sometimes it started again and i had no idea what to do. trust me, i got alot of wierd looks and i would think in my head that fuck man, these ppl think i'm messed up in the head and this would continue on throughout the day. working fulltime at that place sucked, sometimes i would be on cashier for like 3-4 hours straight and i truely was tempted to leave and abandon my job. but then i met my old church friend nikki, who coincidently suffers from panic attacks too as i learned one day. we talked and she admited she suffered from this but i was too scared to tell anybody. so eventually she and her boyfriend wanted to hangout but i was too scared, i just wanted to get the hell home and get away from all this stress. in time, i did warm up to them and to this day the both of them are really good friends with me and i can't explain how grateful for that i am. i have other friends too but there's only a few that i feel safe and hangout with. only time i go hangout with ppl i wouldn't normally hangout with is when we're gonna get drunk. man, life is great when i get drunk cause it's like everything goes out the window. i'm normal and i'm having a great time and i wish this would never end. i do smoke pot these days and smoke cigarettes. i wish i didn't start the cigarettes but ....it helps. the pot...i can smoke alone great but with others... the panic attacks start coming on again. now i gotta wrap this up cause i gotta walk to work right away...great so as i speak today, i'm now 22 and i still suffer from agoraphobia but i think i'm slowly getting better...but other days i don't. i've recently read lots of topics about this and i feel better cause i know i'm not alone. i really wish i could cure this problem without drugs but i think if i wanna fully recover i might have to. just i don't live at home, i don't have alot of spare money. (cause i spend it on booze and weed and smokes) anyways, if anyone feels like they wanna talk or anything, i'm gonna check up on this post when i get home from work tonight and i'll probably continue with this post and list reasons on why agoraphobia is ruining my life slowly.
p.s.- sorry i didn't proof read this yet cause i was rushing to get it done before i had to leave. so do to my "pot" habit, i tend to start writing something and randomly thing about something else related to what i'm writing and mix it in with my current sentence without realizing what i'm doing lol. anyways, thanks for listening.
but talking about it is a good step to getting better.alright, so i'm jason but majority of my friends call me Monk. there's a story behind the name but i won't get into that hehe. i just recently turned 22 on monday and enough is enough, i'm tired of living like this. well i've been having these panic attacks probably since i was 17 and i've actually only found out what the real definition of what i have just within the past few months. so i'm not 100% sure what started it all but my guess is school and my life at home. back in school, i wasn't the cooliest kid around, i'm was extremely shy and just did my own thing. before i was in grade 6, i was actually doing pretty well in school, good grades and the whole schbang. then one day there was this math test, i study'd and i was sure i was gonna past it. the next day i got this test back, instead of getting the usual 90%+, i had gotten 18% and every test i ever had from then on was always around 40-50% and i my life started going downhill. i started skipping school to get away from the douchebags at school. eventualy, i met this so called friend "Mike" and i started hanging out with him. that probably was the biggiest mistake of my life, him and his buddys were a really bad crowd to hang around. we started doing pranks, when started turning into more serious stuff like stealing and vandalizing school property and so on. now back at home, my whole family was really seriously christian and therefore i was brought up to be christian. now once my "friends" realized i was christian and i didn't really wanna do half the stuff they wanted to do, i started to become the outsider i wasn't liked anymore. which then my life went downhill evenmore, these pranks and stuff started happening to me, i started getting picked on and bullied. so now i started skipping school alot, when i say alot i mean like weeks at a time, at one time i skipped a month of school and the school didn't really seem to care for some reason. they would just except me back and put me in my same class, then i would start skipping again and this would just repeat. so around this time i lived at home with my mom (haven't seen my dad is probably 8-9 years now) and i was starting to steal money from my mom and she got fed up with it and my brother moved back home. now keep in mind my brother is 10 years older than i am, so he started to crack down on me skipping school and my bad behaviour. so now my brother coming down on me and me not wanting to even get close to being in school started to clash. i was so stressed out, i would go to school for half a day then skip and i would always try to come up with reasons of why i wasn't at school. overtime, i started sleep walking alot at night and like i said just becoming really emotionally stressed out and i didn't know what to do. so when i turned 16, i instantly dropped out of school. i thought things would get better but they didn't at all. i started staying home alot avoiding public contact, i didn't wanna work. just cause i didn't want i was afraid of my old friends that they were gonna come beat me up or something. and don't get me wrong, i did get in fights that i couldn't win, i found myself running like crazy when i saw one of them around. so then i turned 17 and realized my bro is a Jackass and i found that even though i was trying to be good, i wasn't believed cause of my bad past. so finally i said enough is enough and my grandpa was nice enough to let me move in without having to pay rent. so i did that for about a year and i didn't really get my first job til i was 18. then i realized, this fear of being around ppl was coming back to haunt me cause it was like school. even though, nobody was coming after me or trying to beat me up but i couldn't get it in my head that wasn't the case. i was always afraid that, hey this job is pretty popular and what if they come work here. then what, they would come after me again. so i quit numberous jobs, i didn't stay at a job longer then longer than 4 months. my first job i felt safe at was Maple Leaf Pork where it was nice and loud in there, nobody really talked much there, they just did their job. but in time i got tired of that job cause i was sick of being around dead pigs. so i was afraid to go anywhere else til a friend recommened working at this dollar store. i was really emotionally worried in my head that ya know, i'll probably have to go be cashier and help the public. but something else told me inside, i need to do this, i need to get myself over this fear. when the day came and i started going on cashier IT WAS HELL. the first couple customers it was ok...but then it got really busy and customers were constant. i couldn't leave, i was forced to stay up there with all these ppl. so then i started getting this minor panic attacks, my breathing started becoming more rapid, i was sweating under the pressure, i tried breathing through my nose but i was all stuffed up and i was in big trouble. it got really bad one day and i started taking a deep breath but i wouldn't exhale properly and my head started to tingle like i was about to pass out. which then i would buzz for somebody to come up to the front and relieve me, where i would then go and escape to the bathroom, so i could take deep breaths and try to relax myself. sometimes it would work, sometimes it started again and i had no idea what to do. trust me, i got alot of wierd looks and i would think in my head that fuck man, these ppl think i'm messed up in the head and this would continue on throughout the day. working fulltime at that place sucked, sometimes i would be on cashier for like 3-4 hours straight and i truely was tempted to leave and abandon my job. but then i met my old church friend nikki, who coincidently suffers from panic attacks too as i learned one day. we talked and she admited she suffered from this but i was too scared to tell anybody. so eventually she and her boyfriend wanted to hangout but i was too scared, i just wanted to get the hell home and get away from all this stress. in time, i did warm up to them and to this day the both of them are really good friends with me and i can't explain how grateful for that i am. i have other friends too but there's only a few that i feel safe and hangout with. only time i go hangout with ppl i wouldn't normally hangout with is when we're gonna get drunk. man, life is great when i get drunk cause it's like everything goes out the window. i'm normal and i'm having a great time and i wish this would never end. i do smoke pot these days and smoke cigarettes. i wish i didn't start the cigarettes but ....it helps. the pot...i can smoke alone great but with others... the panic attacks start coming on again. now i gotta wrap this up cause i gotta walk to work right away...great
so as i speak today, i'm now 22 and i still suffer from agoraphobia but i think i'm slowly getting better...but other days i don't. i've recently read lots of topics about this and i feel better cause i know i'm not alone. i really wish i could cure this problem without drugs but i think if i wanna fully recover i might have to. just i don't live at home, i don't have alot of spare money. (cause i spend it on booze and weed and smokes) anyways, if anyone feels like they wanna talk or anything, i'm gonna check up on this post when i get home from work tonight and i'll probably continue with this post and list reasons on why agoraphobia is ruining my life slowly.p.s.- sorry i didn't proof read this yet cause i was rushing to get it done before i had to leave. so do to my "pot" habit, i tend to start writing something and randomly thing about something else related to what i'm writing and mix it in with my current sentence without realizing what i'm doing lol. anyways, thanks for listening.