Being "used"

[paul]

Is a classic part of having SA being used a lot? I only have mild SA, but one of my biggest fears is standing up for myself. I feel like if I do, people will get mad at me -- and that is exactly what I can't have.
But because of this, I guess I come off as an overly-generous person, and people use me to do stuff for them. Even my 'closer' friends make me do stuff for them that they don't make others do. Does anybody else get this a lot?

 

[Sue]

hat paul

listen man i hear ya
my worst problem was being walked all over by my "friends" id buy lunches for them every day, do thier homework, give them money...
i was really bad for that but i felt i had to because i didnt want them to leave me. i understand what i was doing wrong now. even after all i did for them they left me anyway and i felt soo small after it.

i dont do that half as much now
firstly because i dont have that much money anymore
and secondly because i dont worry if my mates are going to be there r not
the friends i have now would love me if i didnt have a penny and thats how i think it should be.

sorry i think i went a bit off track there :?

 

[black_mamba]

Is a classic part of having SA being used a lot? I only have mild SA, but one of my biggest fears is standing up for myself. I feel like if I do, people will get mad at me -- and that is exactly what I can't have.

Its a classic part of being afraid of saying no. There are loads of people here who often say they find it difficult to say no incase they upset others or it changes people's perception of them.

Well it does, but for the better. Only do things you're comfortable with and people will respect your time and efforts more.

People don't ask me for favours often so I don't really know how to handle it except; I do know when my close friends are taking advantage of my generosity and I've learnt to cut that out so they don't expect me to do their work for them .oO(reminds me of being asked to my best friend's physics homework all the time, I'd help her but made sure she did most of it on her own, and she stopped bothering me after that).

Say no if you want to, don't worry about the outcome because most likely it will be a good one, and good luck. Standing up for yourself can be a huge self-esteem booster.

 

[Toad]

I would guess that it is a part of SA...I get this as well, can't stand it if I upset others. For me though I'm not like that with my close friends...but I am with pretty much anyone else.

 

[cody2468]

I feel used alot and people treat me like a doormat all the time but that has got alot to do with me having low self esteem and not being able to stand up for myself without worrying about offending people. You need to learn to say no more and not worry about upsetting people. You cant please everyone all the time.

 

[AnthonyJ]

Is a classic part of having SA being used a lot? I only have mild SA, but one of my biggest fears is standing up for myself. I feel like if I do, people will get mad at me -- and that is exactly what I can't have.
But because of this, I guess I come off as an overly-generous person, and people use me to do stuff for them. Even my 'closer' friends make me do stuff for them that they don't make others do. Does anybody else get this a lot?

I agree with what you are saying. I have the same problem. I have always been the "nice" one, or the "easygoing" one who was always easlily dumped on. In private, I get really pissed off at myself and at the world, but in public, I have a hard time with asserting myself and standing up. Some days I feel like a time bomb just waiting to explode on someone, but I always keep things bottled up. It feels really good to stand up for yourself, but for people who have SA issues, it can be a challenge. I really hate this disorder.

 

[paul]

Sue -- I know what you mean about you "not wanting them to leave you." That's more of my fear when my good friends ask me to do something for them, while if a stranger asks me, I'm more afraid they will hate me if I say no.

black_mamba -- Your example about the physics homework will help me in the future usually if somebody asks me to do their homework, I do it without thinking about it - but they can't get mad at me if I just help them, can they? And if they don't get what they want, they'll just stop asking.

I think one of the problems with the fear of having people mad at you/upsetting people by saying no is that it's not all that realistic. Sometimes, I look around and I see people saying "no" all the time. One of my problems with that though, is they seem to be "good" at saying it, they're casual and nice about it. I think that me saying no would be so unnatural that people would be like "...whoa wtf" instead of responding like they would to another person who they are used to being said no to. (if this makes sense...)

AnthonyJ -- You seem to have some of the same problem I do. "In private, I get really pissed off at myself and at the world, but in public, I have a hard time with asserting myself and standing up" I know exactly what you mean by that, it can be very frustrating... I also feel like a time bomb, except maybe my timer's messed up, cuz whenever I think I'm going to go off, I back away from it and say "okay... I'll do that"

I saw this book called How To Say No Without Feeling Guilty -- it seemed okay, except it's not really that I feel guilty, it's that I'm worried others will be mad at me.

Thanks for the replies, everyone

 

[Tirta]

I never can say NO in nice way, i always sounds mad when i say it. I think i don't look nice to people

 

[black_mamba]

black_mamba -- Your example about the physics homework will help me in the future usually if somebody asks me to do their homework, I do it without thinking about it - but they can't get mad at me if I just help them, can they? And if they don't get what they want, they'll just stop asking.

First of all doing someone's homework once in a blue moon I guess is ok, but doing it on a regular basis is a big no-no. Not only will they never learn what they're being taught but you are having to waste your time due to their laziness. I'd suggest trying to teach them the basics of the work they're trying to complete then letting them finish it on their own. That way you're being helpful but not being used. Of course, if you don't have time to teach your friends a little then say so.

Obviously I can't tell from what you've written; but either your friends are lazy and simply can't be bothered to do the work, or they genuinely have big problems understanding it and feel intimidated of asking the teacher...*shrugs*

Heh, I was worried my classmates would abandon me if I stopped helping them with their homework as a teenager, but I'm still friends with them now!

So guys don't worry about saying no. Just a plain, non sympathetic 'No, sorry, but I can't do that' usually dissolves the situation.