Biff
Member
Part 4
So here we are at the how-to section. These techniques are scalable, meaning that they are highly customisable for each individual.
Ok, the first thing you need to do is get a notebook. It’s important to keep track of your progress and setbacks. Now, write down every single incident that causes your SA to act up. You must include everything here from very mild to very severe. An example of mild may be going for a walk, saying hi to a neighbour, standing in line at a supermarket or sitting in a restaurant. An example of medium may be starting a conversation with your neighbour, asking a stranger for the time or speaking up in class or in a meeting. An example of severe may be attending a party, giving a speech or confronting someone. The more you write down, the better this will work.
Now, try to group these together. I would not put more than 5 or less than 2 per group. You will group these according to the severity of each. The number of groups or “categories” will vary greatly from person to person. As an example you may have going for a walk, making eye contact, and sitting in a restaurant as your number 1 category. Number 2 may be, asking someone for the time, starting a conversation with a neighbour, and speaking up in class. Number 3 may be confronting someone, giving a speech or asking out a member of the opposite sex.
Once you have your categories-or levels, and have filled each with appropriate “tasks”, it is time for you to look at the level you are at right now. This will be below the number 1 level you have already established above. Why is it less than level 1? Because it is where you are comfortable right now at this point in time. Whether this level has you confined to your house or has you managing the basics like talking to the family or shopping for yourself, it is something you have mastered already. Going back to the ski-hill, it is you before you even strap on the snowboard. This is where you are, without making an effort. It is comfy and requires little effort to maintain. Your mind and body have adapted to this level and won’t change without a little effort. There may be many automatic responses here that you are not even aware of, like avoiding eye contact, staring at the ground or not talking at all. This is your starting point and it is the foundation you need to attempt level 1.
As you are attempting each level, it is imperative that you try to ignore things that are happening at higher levels. Concentrate on the task at hand and don’t become distracted. In the real world however, we are forced sometimes to operate at these higher levels. If it’s school or job related, then you may not have a choice. It’s tough to operate here since you do not have the skills required to cope. However, you may have obligations-financial or education related, that leave you with no choice. What I’m saying here is to restrict your experimentation to the level you are trying to conquer. Don’t operate at one of the higher levels unless you have no choice.
Starting level 1, will take a bit of effort. Your body/mind is comfortable and, since you may associate a little pain with the tasks in this first level, it will want to resist. The only way to change this is by repetition. You need to do this everyday. You must also be very aware of your old habits since they are likely to be on autopilot. If you have a tendency to stare at the ground or avoid eye contact then this might be one of the exercises on your list for level 1. Stand straight, look people in the eye, go for a walk, say hi to a neighbour, ask someone for information could be the tasks you have established for level 1. Through self-awareness, and action, you will slowly start to reprogram your brain and automatic responses. By doing things in stages, you are also taking a lot of pressure off.
You will get both positive and negative responses to your tasks at each level. The negative responses will not have a devastating effect on you since you will not be a level 1 operating in, say, a level 6. The positive responses will bolster your ego and the negative responses will toughen your “skin”, if you can extract the lesson and discard the rest. Handling negative response properly takes time and as you go up the levels, you will see how your “warped” perception of people and events will start to become more realistic. At this point, you will truly be able to take the lesson from any negative situation, discard the rest and move on. This is the snowball effect.
You must completely master the tasks you have set for yourself in level 1 before moving on to level 2. At this point you should have bolstered your self-esteem a little, toughened your skin a little, and learned some very important social skills at the same time. What is the time-line for completing each level? That depends on your commitment and effort. Only you will know when you are ready to start level 2 as you use level 1 as your new foundation. Complete level 2 now in the exact fashion as level 1. Next, you will use level 2 as your new foundation to reach level 3 and so on until you have reached your goal you established earlier.
“That won’t work for me. I’m housebound”. My response to this is; take the base level you are at now and level 1 and create as many levels between the two as you need to feel comfortable. Create additional levels between where you are now and level 1. Now you may have 10 levels instead of 5. The idea is that if it seems like too much at once, then you need more levels.
Anyone can start this now, and that’s the beauty of this method. The main thing is that you make an effort in each level. Don’t become complaisant. Constantly challenge yourself in each level. Ignore the levels above you, but stretch the limits of the level in which you are operating in. Above all, be self-aware at all times or those nasty auto-responses will kick in, and we don’t want that.
When you have arrived at where you want to be, you may be very surprised at how much the world has changed. You will now be looking out, more so, than looking in. You will see many things that you may have been missing. People may seem friendlier, you yourself may feel more accepted, and the world may not seem like such a nasty place to be. Above all, you will likely have the confidence to cope with things both positive and negative.
So here we are at the how-to section. These techniques are scalable, meaning that they are highly customisable for each individual.
Ok, the first thing you need to do is get a notebook. It’s important to keep track of your progress and setbacks. Now, write down every single incident that causes your SA to act up. You must include everything here from very mild to very severe. An example of mild may be going for a walk, saying hi to a neighbour, standing in line at a supermarket or sitting in a restaurant. An example of medium may be starting a conversation with your neighbour, asking a stranger for the time or speaking up in class or in a meeting. An example of severe may be attending a party, giving a speech or confronting someone. The more you write down, the better this will work.
Now, try to group these together. I would not put more than 5 or less than 2 per group. You will group these according to the severity of each. The number of groups or “categories” will vary greatly from person to person. As an example you may have going for a walk, making eye contact, and sitting in a restaurant as your number 1 category. Number 2 may be, asking someone for the time, starting a conversation with a neighbour, and speaking up in class. Number 3 may be confronting someone, giving a speech or asking out a member of the opposite sex.
Once you have your categories-or levels, and have filled each with appropriate “tasks”, it is time for you to look at the level you are at right now. This will be below the number 1 level you have already established above. Why is it less than level 1? Because it is where you are comfortable right now at this point in time. Whether this level has you confined to your house or has you managing the basics like talking to the family or shopping for yourself, it is something you have mastered already. Going back to the ski-hill, it is you before you even strap on the snowboard. This is where you are, without making an effort. It is comfy and requires little effort to maintain. Your mind and body have adapted to this level and won’t change without a little effort. There may be many automatic responses here that you are not even aware of, like avoiding eye contact, staring at the ground or not talking at all. This is your starting point and it is the foundation you need to attempt level 1.
As you are attempting each level, it is imperative that you try to ignore things that are happening at higher levels. Concentrate on the task at hand and don’t become distracted. In the real world however, we are forced sometimes to operate at these higher levels. If it’s school or job related, then you may not have a choice. It’s tough to operate here since you do not have the skills required to cope. However, you may have obligations-financial or education related, that leave you with no choice. What I’m saying here is to restrict your experimentation to the level you are trying to conquer. Don’t operate at one of the higher levels unless you have no choice.
Starting level 1, will take a bit of effort. Your body/mind is comfortable and, since you may associate a little pain with the tasks in this first level, it will want to resist. The only way to change this is by repetition. You need to do this everyday. You must also be very aware of your old habits since they are likely to be on autopilot. If you have a tendency to stare at the ground or avoid eye contact then this might be one of the exercises on your list for level 1. Stand straight, look people in the eye, go for a walk, say hi to a neighbour, ask someone for information could be the tasks you have established for level 1. Through self-awareness, and action, you will slowly start to reprogram your brain and automatic responses. By doing things in stages, you are also taking a lot of pressure off.
You will get both positive and negative responses to your tasks at each level. The negative responses will not have a devastating effect on you since you will not be a level 1 operating in, say, a level 6. The positive responses will bolster your ego and the negative responses will toughen your “skin”, if you can extract the lesson and discard the rest. Handling negative response properly takes time and as you go up the levels, you will see how your “warped” perception of people and events will start to become more realistic. At this point, you will truly be able to take the lesson from any negative situation, discard the rest and move on. This is the snowball effect.
You must completely master the tasks you have set for yourself in level 1 before moving on to level 2. At this point you should have bolstered your self-esteem a little, toughened your skin a little, and learned some very important social skills at the same time. What is the time-line for completing each level? That depends on your commitment and effort. Only you will know when you are ready to start level 2 as you use level 1 as your new foundation. Complete level 2 now in the exact fashion as level 1. Next, you will use level 2 as your new foundation to reach level 3 and so on until you have reached your goal you established earlier.
“That won’t work for me. I’m housebound”. My response to this is; take the base level you are at now and level 1 and create as many levels between the two as you need to feel comfortable. Create additional levels between where you are now and level 1. Now you may have 10 levels instead of 5. The idea is that if it seems like too much at once, then you need more levels.
Anyone can start this now, and that’s the beauty of this method. The main thing is that you make an effort in each level. Don’t become complaisant. Constantly challenge yourself in each level. Ignore the levels above you, but stretch the limits of the level in which you are operating in. Above all, be self-aware at all times or those nasty auto-responses will kick in, and we don’t want that.
When you have arrived at where you want to be, you may be very surprised at how much the world has changed. You will now be looking out, more so, than looking in. You will see many things that you may have been missing. People may seem friendlier, you yourself may feel more accepted, and the world may not seem like such a nasty place to be. Above all, you will likely have the confidence to cope with things both positive and negative.
