College with APD...

[Jaded_Dreamer]

I was just recently diagnosed with APD, and I thought that being able to pinpoint the problem would help it go away... If anything, it just made my problem worse. Before a few weeks ago, I just thought I was shy, or even the type of person that most people didn't like.

It's my Sophomore year at college and I've only been to ONE party the entire time, and it was at the beginning of last year. It's not that I haven't been invited or anything, but I'm so terrified of making a fool of myself and interracting with other people that I just don't go. But if I don't get an invite I'm insulted because I'm afraid that the people who didn't invite me did so because they don't like me.

Last year I managed to have a pretty close-knit group of friends... This year because of details that would take pages to explain, I'm not as close to those friends as I used to be. I've been vainly trying to fix it since the beginning of this semester, but I'm still constantly excluded from things. I know it's easy to say "well, why don't you make new friends?" but as I'm sure you all understand, it's so much more difficult for people with APD to make friends than everyone else. I'm constantly afraid that if I hang around with someone too much I'm "clingy", but then I just end up ignoring them because I'm afraid they don't like me and I look like a stuck-up snob.

I'm seeing one of the campus psychologists for my problem, but I'm afraid she thinks my problem is trivial at best. I mean it's not like I'm about to commit suicide or anything, so why should I even be talking to her. But the fact is that I'm almost 20 years old and I've been dealing with this since probably middle school. I want to get involved in clubs and organizations, but I'm just so afraid the groups won't accept me that I go to a meeting or two and drop it.

Sorry I'm jumping around subjects so much... I'm writing this as it comes to me. I'm also afraid that after I post this the people on this board won't like me, and I'm not even talking to you in real life!

I hardly talk to anyone in my classes as well, and God forbid the professor asks us to get into groups; I've literally not shown up on group work days because let's face it: who would want to work with me? I know by what I've written it sounds like I have a low self-worth, but strangely that's not true at all. I do think I'm as good as everyone else, but I think the way people perceive me is different. I think that everyone sees themselves as being better than me, and are just repulsed by my personality. Maybe it's because so many people today are narcissistic?

Right now I think my APD is worse than ever. The therapist I see is swamped, so I can only see her once every two weeks, which I don't think is enough. I can't see anyone else because my school is in a small town. If I ask one of my so-called friends to drive me somewhere else, they'll know I have a problem. My biggest fear is being labeled as someone who is mentally ill. But I need to do something more because I cry every day over this. I know exactly what's wrong with me and I just can't overcome it. I just want to go home so badly because I feel like if I were at home it would be easier to fix and I'd be away from the people who make me feel so anxious.

 

[myclevernickname]

hey

Something I've realised is that if you are avoidant, shy, whatever, that you will be invited to things less but not because they dislike you. Of course that is how we intetpret it. But really, shy people are just noticed less because they don't go around trying to get attention. Also, many many people interpret shyness/avoidance as snobbery. I have been shocked at how many people have thought I was a snob. These were people I really thought were better than me, not below me. But because I avoided them, avoided eye contact with them, and was too nervous them to be bubbly and friendly, in their eyes THEIR own insecurity made them interpret that as looking down on them. You'd be amazed at how many people can seem confident who still think things like that on occasion. Or, because they have never been shy, they don't think it's that, they see snobbery. So don't take it personally. Plus, those who do go to lots of parties and are friendly at them will get invited to more and more over time because people will see that they love parties, whereas they may not even be sure if you're into it or not.
IT is also unfortunate that when one "outs" themself as having a mental disorder of some kind, some people just don't know how to react and aren't very helpful because they don't understand it.
Don't worry about parties. Start smaller. Join a small club where you'll be less overwhelmed by all the people. Or, maybe parties are better for you because you can get away from people if they make you uncomfortable, and talk to someone else. Also they are usually drunk so then they're acting more stupid than you are... lol. Knowing they won't remember much later can help them be practice subjects to chat with.

hope that helps??

 

[tms_pr]

Hello.

I must admit that I feel much of the same way as you do. I have recently dropped out of college mainly on the fear of social interaction, and I see no light at the end of the tunnel. The thing is that when you first look at me, I seem very normal but when we start to speak it is more like a juggling act, which doesnt last very long. I am 18 years old right now and I have never had a girlfriend, but I want one so badly. I am a good looking person with girls coming up to me quite a bit, trying to be flirtatious, but I do not know how to respond. I've asked myself many times if I was a homosexual but I have never admitted to myself I am. I have my sexual fantasies like any other man, which include only females. I have wondered if my fears sprouted from being neglected as a child or possibally the fact my parents are married, but do not seem like it. For as long as I remember, my parents have not acted like they were in love. I don't remember the last time they even hugged, and do not see why they are still together. I have wondered if maybe I am the way I am because I have seen my parents act the way they are and believe this is how male and female bonding goes.
Thanks for listening and respond if you have any input into my situation.

-M-

 

[girlrequim02]

I have worries that this disorder will affect my college. When I was in high school I constantly avoided days when I would have to talk in front of people or be in groups. I went to college but kept skipping because I didn't feel confortable or smart enough to be in the classes. I am finally ready to to college again in the fall and now I am scared because I just discovered I possible suffer from avoidant personality disorder. I hope you guys can def. help and support me through this because I feel like no one in my life understands my worries.