Complete lack of motivation or self-worth.

[TravisBickle87]

Hi, new here.

I've been monitoring this site as a guest for quite some time, pathetic as it seems. I was just really finding it hard to speak up about what I perceive to be AVPD. Just for some background information, I'm currently 20 years old, attend a community college and work a dead end minimum wage job as a cashier.

It's funny, just over a year ago, I attended an accredited state university in my native Pennsylvania. For two semesters, I managed to pull of a QPA that averaged around 3.5. Despite achieving such above average grades, I felt alone the whole semester, absolutely alone and bitter. This isn't an isolated case for me either. I've never dated and have felt completely anxious and alone since about the sixth grade, when what I would call "my only true friend" moved away.

From there, I was picked on a little and had a hell of a time in Junior High School. I had thought things would turn around for me in high school. Maybe, I'd become a social butterfly of sorts.. Nope, not the case. In fact, I graduated and at best, made a few acquaintances. I'm able to converse just fine with people at work, particulary older people but I'm far too anxious to ever hang out with someone for more than a few hours. I remember feeling so depressed at the state university, I decided not to return and now I'm back at my parent's house feeling lower than ever. In fact, I failed one or two courses at the community college finding myself too unmotivated and disinterested to complete the course work.

At this point, I've actually become so frustrated, I've decided that other were to blame. I was thinking about some really awful things I'd do to people but I hope to get over that. Now, I just don't feel life is worth living or even worth the effort to go forward with anymore..

Again, I'm just venting. I don't know if anyone can help me.

 

[SilentType]

Jesus Christ man, you are the same person as me. I'm 19, I live in the same state as you, and I'm just moving past the whole university idea, because after three semesters of college (one at a community college, one at a private university, and one at a state university) I'd withdrawn from 2 out of 3 semesters. The one semester I completed was at the community college, due to the extremely small class sizes, one class had just 6 people in it (lmao ). One of the main problems at first for me was being 2 years behind everyone else, because I had skipped two grades after switching to homeschool during my sophomore year and finished all my credits that same school year (lol, if only you knew the school where I live).

I always had friends in high school and I always was a top five student in my class, so why was I having these horrible panic attacks? I just showed up in tenth grade and started having horrible panic attack all throughout the day, leaving me with sweat spots in my pits by the end of the day. After a week of that, whatever the hell it was, I had to get out and I signed myself out just like that and went to college the next year.

I saw therapists from that point on, but all they want to do is dole out different medications, though. It seems they do the same thing for everyone like us... Start us out with some SSRI's to see if any of them have any positive effect. If not, you get to try some real addictive little pills called benzodiazepines. I also get some propanolol to slow my heart rate. I like the benzodiazepines but I don't really know what to think of having a slower heart rate than normal... I stopped going to therapy mostly because of my depression, but at least it provides a place to get your feelings out in the open. It never helped me all that much though, because I could never open up to anybody else lol.

I am currently doing a medical transcriptions that you can read about in some of my other posts on here (tired of typing...)

I really should stop smoking reefer, but its the only thing that lets me leave this wretched world that I'm living in. It's the best anti-anxiety drug I've found, but not all people feel the same about it. Some say it produces more anxiety user, but thats completely normal for those who have never smoked weed before...

Not trying to say drugs are the answer. Actually reefer is probably the reason this post has gone in so many different directions...

I feel the exact same emotions as you man... I don't know what to tell you other than to try to find a way out of the life you're livin. Do what you feel is necessary for you to be happy, and always discuss these decisions with a psychiatrist who you know and trust and believe in. Keep your head up, your shoulders straight, a sense of humor and you'll make it to where you want to be. Just follow your gut man. Life is what you make it.


Peace

 

[WastedPotential]

hey man, I know how you feel.

I myself have zero motivation and find people boring...along with your other problems.

I don't have any advice,

maybe save up for a plane ticket and travel as a vagabond bastard of the earth?

these days, it seems like that's the only option.

 

[TravisBickle87]

Thanks for responding guys. I tried smoking marijuana for the first time at around age 17. However, I'd smoke it a few more times before I realized it didn't do much for me, nor did I care for it. My escapism is usually just music, video games and the internet. I'm surprised I'm not overweight.