Coping with SA later in life.

[Tim001]

Hi everyone,

I'm new to the group. My name is Tim and I'm from Ontario Canada.

After reading the posts on this board, I get the feeling that the average age group is probably around 20-30. I am 44, so I hope I can relate to everyone here.

I am probably one of the few people who can say they have had SA from birth. Ok, maybe not birth, but at lest as far back as I can remember.

SA has dogged me for all of my life and I don't think things change as you get older. Maybe different scenery, but the same old problems.

I could literally fill pages with my experiences, but one thing I know for sure is that this is not a condition that improves with age. (not my experience anyway)

SA has robbed me of most of life's perks (i.e. good education, job promotion, romance etc...) . I am not making excuses for my failures, but this condition certainly has sucked the joy out of life.

Low self esteem, a persistent state of worry and insecurity have dogged me for 44 years, but recently, I have started to look at things a bit differently. For me SA is entirely too big an obstacle to try to take on full force. Believe me I've tried and failed so many times I've lost count. I have accepted my condition (very hard at first) and it's magnitude.

My new way of looking at life is that if I do one thing each day to counter my normal SA ways, then that is one step closer and is much better than analyzing myself to death. Amazingly, this has made me feel a whole lot better over the past few years. Instead of plunging into something that has a 99.999% chance of failure ( and the negative results only enhancing my already fragile self-esteem), I lower the bar and take a slightly smaller bite, so to speak.

An example of things which I try include:

Walking straighter and looking ahead instead of staring at the ground all the time.

Asking a stranger a question such as the time or directions.

Going to a social function even if it's only for a few minutes.

Smiling at people (this is a hard one)

Offering my opinion

Going out (even for a walk) and even if I don't feel like it.

In groups, realizing I am the quietist person there, speaking up, even if it's only once.

I try to be more aware of how people might perceive me and try to be as social as I can. All the while realizing that everyone is different and you can't expect the same results from everyone. I am also much more aware of how quiet I must seem around people and try to counter this by interacting more and appearing as friendly as possible. The key is self awareness followed by action. It's so easy to trudge through life always acting and thinking in the same manner and maybe not realizing how others may look at you.

All this may not seem like much, but for myself, it is a major accomplishment. My small triumphs are much better then my major disasters and this in itself has gone on to boost my self-esteem, even if it's just a very insignificant amount.

Tim

 

[wistful_dementia]

hi Tim. I also have had SA all my life. I agree with your approach. If someone has severe SA then your approach maybe wise. I've learned that the longer a person has had SA the harder it is to get past it (really, the research shows it). It is good that you have made progress.... I'm working on it.

 

[Hope]

Hi Tim, I'm also from ON, and have on few years on you :roll: and completely identify with almost everything you wrote. It's been lifelong, although I've adapted in some ways. I'm in a rush right at the moment, getting up at 6am, but I wouldn't mind comparing notes later. PM if you like.

H

 

[Johnie]

Coping with SA in later life

Hi Young Tim

I can identify with you; I am 55 - and too old to die young.

Like you I have had this thing all my life. This means that we had never known anything different, so what we must do is not just to recover to a status quo, but to build everything from scratch.

I think that (for me) the worst thing about this is that I have missed out on my childhood, and on the social development that should have occured then and during adolescence. Whenever I see kids playing happy, or when I see a teenage couple making out together, I am pissed off bad. I find this more depressing than any social inhibitions.

BUT - I have not given up on hope. All them fit 18 year old girls will still be around when I get over this thing. All I've gotta do is to hang on, and to keep my pecker up.

I've been looking at the list of members - sorted on age - and see that there are a few older folk round here. Some of them give their DOB as 1900. One hundred and Four years old. Yipes!

Johnie

 

[solo1]

Hi everybody! It's nice to hear from some other -ahem- mature adults ! :wink: It might be nice if there was a section just for us.

Okay Scaredecat & Shep, a few lines from you both would be really nice TOO!

 

[Hope]

Hi Tim - I've got 8yr on you, if that's any comfort :wink: Anyway, glad to see there are some of us here.

I remember hitting 30, thinking "I'll be over this SA thing when that birthday comes", then thinking the same thing the next two decade crossovers. It never did happen like some magic wand. I think I've adapted, in the sense that I do more of what I want and less of what I don't like - pleasing people less. That's helped. It's avoidance of sorts I suppose, but avoidance that I feel I've earned.

>I am probably one of the few people who can say they have had SA from birth. Ok, maybe not birth, but at lest as far back as I can remember.<
In other words (I think you'e saying), it's probably largely learned. Although my parents were anxious in various ways, I think overprotectiveness on their part had a lot to do with my SA developing.

>SA has dogged me for all of my life and I don't think things change as you get older. Maybe different scenery, but the same old problems.<
I'd only partly agree. While some long-learned behavior may not change a great deal, we can change our degree of acceptance. Acceptance can translate into a greater degree of happiness. I know it's easier said than done, but I think I've advance somewhat in this regard. I still suffer bouts of depression about my circumstances (more than just SA, but also a host of other unavoidable circumstances), but tend to put them in perspective more than in the past.

>I could literally fill pages with my experiences<
You and I both. I journal them and try to put the past aside as best I can. The present and future are my only realities - at least that's what I strive for.

>SA has robbed me of most of life's perks (i.e. good education, job promotion, romance etc...) .<
Ditto. But as I say, I'm trying to look ahead. One thing I began doing in my 40s is to join groups (outdoor activity groups, supports groups, anything where I had some interaction with people with common interests). It's not always easy, sometimes terrifying, but without feedback I couldn't go on.

>Low self esteem, a persistent state of worry and insecurity have dogged me for 44 years, but recently, I have started to look at things a bit differently.<
Which is what I was referring to.

>For me SA is entirely too big an obstacle to try to take on full force. Believe me I've tried and failed so many times I've lost count. I have accepted my condition<
That's the first step.

>Amazingly, this has made me feel a whole lot better over the past few years.<
Again, what I was referring to.

I think your examples of simple steps are excellent. The most important thing in life IMHO is to have a sense of purpose, a passionate goal, and a plan. With that, conditions like SA can take on a somewhat lesser role. I'm not sure I'm quite there yet, but still working at it.

>I try to be more aware of how people might perceive me<
That's one I try to avoid at all costs - it's at the root of the whole problem IMO.

Anyway, I wish you continued improvement, and just wanted to comment on a few of your points. Any feedback welcome