Anonymous
Well-known member
My dr thinks that i may have ocd, and right now im looking into it to see if he is right.
Basically I keep having thoughts and images drop into my mind that disturb me. The most problematic at the moment are thoughts and images regarding death. I will sometimes see an image of myself lying dead in bed, or have a thought that I’m going to die. Or someone will say something innocent like “I feel like death warmed up” and my brain seems to take it as an omen that I’m going to die which creates a feeling of intense anxiety. Or I may hear the word death on television and that triggers it or sometimes it just drops into my head for no reason and I worry that I’m wishing myself dead by constantly having these thoughts, when I don’t want to die, because I’m terrified of dying young.
I to try to dispel the anxiety I’m feeling by performing mental or physical rituals, such as repeating the phrase “I hope I don’t die young I don’t need to keep saying it, I hope I don’t die young I don’t need to keep saying it, I hope I don’t die young I don’t need to keep saying it, I hope I don’t die young I don’t need to keep saying it” over and over in my head whilst counting in sets of 4 until it feels right, unless I land on a bad number such as 3, any number that can be divided by 3, 13 or 14, in which case I have to continue on repeating and counting again until its right and the number I land on is a safe number. I always count in sets of 4 (1234, 1234, 1234, 1234) but track my counts so that I land on the numbers 4,8,12 (12 is ok even though it can be divided by 3) 16, 20, but never 24, because 24 is also 8 x 3 and so on. Sometimes I use physical rituals, such as repeatedly touching things although these are not always set in stone. For example I may be able to put something back in the fridge without putting it back in and out again and touching it, provided I don’t get a feeling of dread or other bad thought when I’m doing so. If on the other hand my brain thinks “I’m going to die” or I just generally have a feeling that something bad is going to happen I have to keep taking the item in and out or touching it, whilst counting, until it feels right.
Sometimes it feels like my brain gets stuck, and my counts can go on into the hundreds. I have been known to flick light switches until I get a blister on my finger from the friction and beyond. Some rituals are more constant like making sure the light switches and plug switches are off properly at night before I go to bed in case there is a fire. I sometimes see images of myself having been horribly burned in a fire, and this can trigger rituals as well to ward it off. When reading I have to keep rereading sentences, and this can be for several reasons. Either A I have to double check that read the sentence properly even though most of the time I have found I have, Its almost as if my brain cant accept I’ve read it correctly (the same has happened with light switches, I can see they are off but my brain just won’t accept it and I have to flick them until it feels right and I’m sure they are off) however when I do I have to count and I have to double check the sentence using the counting scheme. Or B I get a feeling of dread or bad thought when reading and the action of reading that sentence has to be carried out until It feels right or I feel temporarily safe.
I worry that I might hurt my son or myself when I’m sleeping, a thought that makes me feel physically sick, or that I might get burgled during the night. I wont go on holiday and I wont leave my house empty overnight or for too long even during the day; and if I do push myself to go out for long periods (more than a few hours) I see horrible images in my head of coming home and finding the place ransacked. I sometimes get the most horrible thoughts in my head and feel like I’m a bad person because of them so then I have to ruminate on them in an attempt to convince myself I’m not evil or vile or disturbed etc. Then I worry that god will punish me for being sinful, for example for wanting to lose weight, because I think I might be being vain by wanting to do so (even though that is ridiculous, there is nothing wrong with wanting to look after yourself and I don’t believe that god runs around punishing people anyway, I see him as a loving god, a guide and a teacher. The things we suffer are often the consequences of our own actions, not some divine punishment by a vengeful god) so then I think that something awful will happen to me, ie like getting burned in a fire, which results in myself repeating the phrase “I hope I never get burned in a fire I don’t need to keep saying it, I hope I never bet burned in a fire I don’t need to keep saying it, I hope I never get burned in a fire I don’t need to keep saying it, I hope I never get burned in a fire I don’t need to keep saying it”.
Even by writing this stuff down I feel like I’m tempting fate and it’s making me very uncomfortable.
I’m constantly fighting with my brain in regards to such thoughts as listed above and find it very difficult to mix with people or get out of my own head enough to have a conversation with them. I suffer from social phobia and have panic attacks as well, and spend the whole time worrying what people think of me. I feel that people find me boring because I keep talking about the same things over and over, and I make myself look thick because I keep repeating myself because my brain like to double check its got something right, or that I have enough information, or then I worry I might be missing something so I ask the same question again or repeat what I was talking about in an attempt to make sure I’ve articulated myself properly or that I’ve covered everything and I haven’t missed anything out. I have a tendency to ramble when stressed and worry about blurting out stupid things or making myself look foolish. I worry about blurting out whatever comes into my head.
When in relationships I feel embarrassed because of my rituals of flicking light switches or having to put things in and out of the freezer, so I tend to try to do them covertly so other people don’t notice so much.
When shopping I cant just pick up any box out of the freezer or off the shelf in case it might be contaminated. If its contaminated and I eat it I might die. So I have to pick through them until I find a box that feels right, but I can never choose the 3rd box down. Sometimes if I knock something I have to keep touching it till it feels right or I if I pick something up to look at it, if I don’t want it, when I put it back I have to keep putting it on and off the shelf or touching it whilst counting. Sometimes, if I stop to browse or read anything I have to keep going back to reread it or just to look at it, whilst counting. This can make me look nuts cause I keep doubling back on myself to carry out this ritual. In some cases I may move away from the object I’m looking at then move back towards it or if there are a lot of people around I avert my gaze and look at it and then avert my gaze and then look back at it so other people are not so aware that doing it. Of course this has to be done whilst counting.
There are more rituals etc that have built up over the years (these symptoms started 11 or 12 years ago when i was 19/20 and have expanded on an off ever since) so im not going to list all of them or you would end up with a book of sorts. I have days that are better than others, or months/weeks that are better than others and my strange thoughts/rituals can change or be added to over time. sometimes some lie dormant whilst others resurface etc.
So is my psychiatrist right, could this be OCD? Because now I’m constantly ruminating on it and its driving me nuts.
Basically I keep having thoughts and images drop into my mind that disturb me. The most problematic at the moment are thoughts and images regarding death. I will sometimes see an image of myself lying dead in bed, or have a thought that I’m going to die. Or someone will say something innocent like “I feel like death warmed up” and my brain seems to take it as an omen that I’m going to die which creates a feeling of intense anxiety. Or I may hear the word death on television and that triggers it or sometimes it just drops into my head for no reason and I worry that I’m wishing myself dead by constantly having these thoughts, when I don’t want to die, because I’m terrified of dying young.
I to try to dispel the anxiety I’m feeling by performing mental or physical rituals, such as repeating the phrase “I hope I don’t die young I don’t need to keep saying it, I hope I don’t die young I don’t need to keep saying it, I hope I don’t die young I don’t need to keep saying it, I hope I don’t die young I don’t need to keep saying it” over and over in my head whilst counting in sets of 4 until it feels right, unless I land on a bad number such as 3, any number that can be divided by 3, 13 or 14, in which case I have to continue on repeating and counting again until its right and the number I land on is a safe number. I always count in sets of 4 (1234, 1234, 1234, 1234) but track my counts so that I land on the numbers 4,8,12 (12 is ok even though it can be divided by 3) 16, 20, but never 24, because 24 is also 8 x 3 and so on. Sometimes I use physical rituals, such as repeatedly touching things although these are not always set in stone. For example I may be able to put something back in the fridge without putting it back in and out again and touching it, provided I don’t get a feeling of dread or other bad thought when I’m doing so. If on the other hand my brain thinks “I’m going to die” or I just generally have a feeling that something bad is going to happen I have to keep taking the item in and out or touching it, whilst counting, until it feels right.
Sometimes it feels like my brain gets stuck, and my counts can go on into the hundreds. I have been known to flick light switches until I get a blister on my finger from the friction and beyond. Some rituals are more constant like making sure the light switches and plug switches are off properly at night before I go to bed in case there is a fire. I sometimes see images of myself having been horribly burned in a fire, and this can trigger rituals as well to ward it off. When reading I have to keep rereading sentences, and this can be for several reasons. Either A I have to double check that read the sentence properly even though most of the time I have found I have, Its almost as if my brain cant accept I’ve read it correctly (the same has happened with light switches, I can see they are off but my brain just won’t accept it and I have to flick them until it feels right and I’m sure they are off) however when I do I have to count and I have to double check the sentence using the counting scheme. Or B I get a feeling of dread or bad thought when reading and the action of reading that sentence has to be carried out until It feels right or I feel temporarily safe.
I worry that I might hurt my son or myself when I’m sleeping, a thought that makes me feel physically sick, or that I might get burgled during the night. I wont go on holiday and I wont leave my house empty overnight or for too long even during the day; and if I do push myself to go out for long periods (more than a few hours) I see horrible images in my head of coming home and finding the place ransacked. I sometimes get the most horrible thoughts in my head and feel like I’m a bad person because of them so then I have to ruminate on them in an attempt to convince myself I’m not evil or vile or disturbed etc. Then I worry that god will punish me for being sinful, for example for wanting to lose weight, because I think I might be being vain by wanting to do so (even though that is ridiculous, there is nothing wrong with wanting to look after yourself and I don’t believe that god runs around punishing people anyway, I see him as a loving god, a guide and a teacher. The things we suffer are often the consequences of our own actions, not some divine punishment by a vengeful god) so then I think that something awful will happen to me, ie like getting burned in a fire, which results in myself repeating the phrase “I hope I never get burned in a fire I don’t need to keep saying it, I hope I never bet burned in a fire I don’t need to keep saying it, I hope I never get burned in a fire I don’t need to keep saying it, I hope I never get burned in a fire I don’t need to keep saying it”.
Even by writing this stuff down I feel like I’m tempting fate and it’s making me very uncomfortable.
I’m constantly fighting with my brain in regards to such thoughts as listed above and find it very difficult to mix with people or get out of my own head enough to have a conversation with them. I suffer from social phobia and have panic attacks as well, and spend the whole time worrying what people think of me. I feel that people find me boring because I keep talking about the same things over and over, and I make myself look thick because I keep repeating myself because my brain like to double check its got something right, or that I have enough information, or then I worry I might be missing something so I ask the same question again or repeat what I was talking about in an attempt to make sure I’ve articulated myself properly or that I’ve covered everything and I haven’t missed anything out. I have a tendency to ramble when stressed and worry about blurting out stupid things or making myself look foolish. I worry about blurting out whatever comes into my head.
When in relationships I feel embarrassed because of my rituals of flicking light switches or having to put things in and out of the freezer, so I tend to try to do them covertly so other people don’t notice so much.
When shopping I cant just pick up any box out of the freezer or off the shelf in case it might be contaminated. If its contaminated and I eat it I might die. So I have to pick through them until I find a box that feels right, but I can never choose the 3rd box down. Sometimes if I knock something I have to keep touching it till it feels right or I if I pick something up to look at it, if I don’t want it, when I put it back I have to keep putting it on and off the shelf or touching it whilst counting. Sometimes, if I stop to browse or read anything I have to keep going back to reread it or just to look at it, whilst counting. This can make me look nuts cause I keep doubling back on myself to carry out this ritual. In some cases I may move away from the object I’m looking at then move back towards it or if there are a lot of people around I avert my gaze and look at it and then avert my gaze and then look back at it so other people are not so aware that doing it. Of course this has to be done whilst counting.
There are more rituals etc that have built up over the years (these symptoms started 11 or 12 years ago when i was 19/20 and have expanded on an off ever since) so im not going to list all of them or you would end up with a book of sorts. I have days that are better than others, or months/weeks that are better than others and my strange thoughts/rituals can change or be added to over time. sometimes some lie dormant whilst others resurface etc.
So is my psychiatrist right, could this be OCD? Because now I’m constantly ruminating on it and its driving me nuts.
