My story...
I developed anxiety/panic disorder following 9/11 at around 20 years old. We lived in NJ at the time and the whole thing was a little too close for comfort. At the time, I would have random episodes of panic attacks that would leave me curled up in a ball on the floor. I had associated these episodes with smoking pot and not being able handle it anymore. I quit smoking, but developed more of a generalized anxiety- worrying when it would hit me next, becoming fearful of crowded places or anywhere that I couldn't leave easily if I needed to. I remember going to a restaurant with my friend, one of my brothers first chef jobs and he was so excited to cook professionally for one of his family members. After an hour wait, we sat down in the crowded restaurant and my brother sent over a free appetizer. I became so panicked that I couldn't see straight and the sight/smell of food made me so nauseated I had to run out of the restaurant. My brother was so upset with me for making him look bad and I was unable to describe my feelings at the time. He didn't talk to me for weeks. I became more and more depressed not knowing what was wrong with me and that my affliction was affecting other people as well. A few months later, I drove down to North Carolina with my friend following a nasty panic attack that morning and constantly checking the weather channel for road conditions. I had become so nauseated that I threw up before we left. Before, I would only feel sick, now I was actually getting sick. I sucked it up and made the drive anyway. Throughout my trip, I had a few more panic attacks. Mostly at restaurants, sometimes by myself and when thinking of the drive home. One night I couldn't sleep so I flipped on the television. I found and infomercial about anxiety and a book called From Panic To Power that many said would help. I was so relieved to know what was happening to me and almost excited to put a label on it for friends and family who just thought I was crazy. When I got back home, I ordered the book and read it. The first chapter went on to say how people with anxiety were smart, analytical and perfectionists. I took it as a huge compliment and read on. After using some of the "tricks" in the book, I was able to get more of a handle on my anxiety. I went to the doctor and explained my findings. He put me on a low dose Xanax PRN which helped a lot. Fast forward a few years to 2008- my anxiety had decreased significantly. I was able to fly, eat out, and not worry about when my next panic attack would hit. After reading the book again following a move to Florida my anxiety had disappeared. I lived anxiety free for a year or two until...nursing school. About a month into the LPN program, we had to put on a gown and mask. Our teacher had wanted us to get used to contact precaution gear and made us sit in this garb for about 5 minutes. I had debated taking my hoodie off in case I got hot before putting on my gown. About 30 seconds after putting on the equipment, I became overheated and felt like I couldn't breathe. I would take the mask off and the teacher would tell me to put it back on because you were not allowed to take your mask off in a patients room. I felt dizzy, nauseated and out of control. Once we were able to take the equipment off, my anxiety hadn't subsided. I was terrified that my anxiety had returned. For the rest of the day I felt as if I was in a fog and I prayed that this was just a fluke, that maybe I was just hot or dehydrated. The next day in class, I panicked again with nothing to set me off. I had to leave class, go home and I lied in bed feeling absolutely defeated. On top of that, I had met someone new in class that I really liked and I was so embarrassed to think I might get sick in front of him that it only added to my anxiety. As time went on, I was barely making it through class. I had talked to my teacher because I now had developed test anxiety- or rather would feel panicked during each test because I knew I couldn't just get up and walk outside. My teacher was able to make special provisions for me to test in a semi secluded area, away from other classmates. I began dating the guy I met in class around Thanksgiving break and on our second date, I had one of the worst panic attacks I can remember outside in open air. I was so embarrassed thinking how I was blowing it with this guy that I liked so much and how he must think I was crazy. He attempted to talk me through it, not knowing anything about anxiety or what I was feeling. I know now in retrospect, I had a stomach virus at the time and was confusing its symptoms with anxiety. But by me over thinking the symptoms, I had forced a panic attack on myself. I was laid up in bed for the whole week of Thanksgiving break, and surprisingly, Peter, the guy I was seeing was so supportive and still willing to stick it out. We're engaged now so I won't leave you all with a cliff hanger. Throughout the rest of the school year, I had battled my anxiety day to day, making good grades, but spacing out in class. The more I leaved about diseases and medications, the more I panicked about every ache and pain. I became terrified of taking medications, almost feeling claustrophobic knowing that they were in my system and there was nothing I could do to get them out quicker. I stopped taking my xanax PRN thinking it was causing respiratory issues. I was able to graduate and find a job without difficulty. Nursing had become a passion and I realized that when I am helping other people, I have way less time to worry about myself. A few more years, a few more panic attacks and general avoidance of any place with a crowd, or a place I couldn't leave easily. I knew I wanted to go back to school for my RN, but was terrified of going back to school and sitting in a class full of strangers and having to go through the anxiety all over again. I left it up to fate when I took my entrance test this past summer and when I found out I passed and was accepted into the program, I couldn't fight it. I prayed for 2 months to give me the strength to get through the semester. I started on August 20th and panicked during the whole 3 hour lecture. My teacher had mentioned that for anyone with test anxiety or other issues, the disability office might be able to come up with special provisions. At the end of class, I briefly explained my anxiety and that I did not want to seem rude if I ever needed to walk out of class. She told me she understood and that she would set up an appointment with the disability office. I was so relieved when I got there and explained my plight, they had set up a provision for the semester that I am free to leave if I needed to, test in a room by myself, and have preferred seating closer to the door. I was able to relax some and made it through the semester, becoming less anxious as we went along. During winter break, I don't know how, but I began pinching myself every time I felt a wave of anxiety. Pretty soon, I had developed bruises all over my arms and legs. When school started again this past Monday, I was pinching away. Even though I knew what to expect in class, I felt more anxious than I was last semester. On Tuesday, I had my first root canal. I don't mind the dentist, but again, I panic when I feel that I can't leave if I needed to- certainly not halfway through a root canal with a hole in my tooth! The dentist have me a shot of lidocaine with epinephrine (I'm not afraid of needles at all) except of all the people this could happen to, he injected it into my blood vessel cause me to have the same symptoms of a panic attack x 100. My heart was pounding through my chest, my arms and legs went numb and I was blacking out. I had to sit in the chair with my legs above my heart to increase blood flow to my brain. I was like that for a good 5 minutes. Surprisingly, I was able to continue and go through with the root canal. I felt so happy when it was over and that I was still living after such a mishap with the lidocaine (it can actually cause deadly arrhythmias). But, pretty soon that happiness had worn off and I became anxious again remembering the feelings I had when it happened, knowing I need another injection in two weeks for my crown and just the general anxiety I feel with school. I have felt so overwhelmed since then, I had to leave a clinical orientation and couldn't even bear to go into class today. I wrote to my teacher to try to explain what a battle it is every single minute of class to actually stay and not get up and leave. How I feel spacey and nauseated and over heated. I don't expect her to understand or anyone else I know for that matter because they don't have this terrible disorder. Which is how I ended up here today. I needed to hear some words of encouragement, I have to hear that people have made it through these tough times. I am so exhausted and when I think about it, I don't even know how I have the energy to face each day, or feel any happiness at all. Of course most of my day is spent anxiety free at home, or at work but what I feel for three hours during the day for class and the time leading up to actually going in to class is just so overwhelming. I know I'm not alone in feeling like this, and of course I know that things can be worse, but it's so hard for me to see the bright side lately. I need to know how other people are managing. Please share your stories and hopefully we can give each other hope that it can and will get better.
Thank you all for your time,
Tricia
I developed anxiety/panic disorder following 9/11 at around 20 years old. We lived in NJ at the time and the whole thing was a little too close for comfort. At the time, I would have random episodes of panic attacks that would leave me curled up in a ball on the floor. I had associated these episodes with smoking pot and not being able handle it anymore. I quit smoking, but developed more of a generalized anxiety- worrying when it would hit me next, becoming fearful of crowded places or anywhere that I couldn't leave easily if I needed to. I remember going to a restaurant with my friend, one of my brothers first chef jobs and he was so excited to cook professionally for one of his family members. After an hour wait, we sat down in the crowded restaurant and my brother sent over a free appetizer. I became so panicked that I couldn't see straight and the sight/smell of food made me so nauseated I had to run out of the restaurant. My brother was so upset with me for making him look bad and I was unable to describe my feelings at the time. He didn't talk to me for weeks. I became more and more depressed not knowing what was wrong with me and that my affliction was affecting other people as well. A few months later, I drove down to North Carolina with my friend following a nasty panic attack that morning and constantly checking the weather channel for road conditions. I had become so nauseated that I threw up before we left. Before, I would only feel sick, now I was actually getting sick. I sucked it up and made the drive anyway. Throughout my trip, I had a few more panic attacks. Mostly at restaurants, sometimes by myself and when thinking of the drive home. One night I couldn't sleep so I flipped on the television. I found and infomercial about anxiety and a book called From Panic To Power that many said would help. I was so relieved to know what was happening to me and almost excited to put a label on it for friends and family who just thought I was crazy. When I got back home, I ordered the book and read it. The first chapter went on to say how people with anxiety were smart, analytical and perfectionists. I took it as a huge compliment and read on. After using some of the "tricks" in the book, I was able to get more of a handle on my anxiety. I went to the doctor and explained my findings. He put me on a low dose Xanax PRN which helped a lot. Fast forward a few years to 2008- my anxiety had decreased significantly. I was able to fly, eat out, and not worry about when my next panic attack would hit. After reading the book again following a move to Florida my anxiety had disappeared. I lived anxiety free for a year or two until...nursing school. About a month into the LPN program, we had to put on a gown and mask. Our teacher had wanted us to get used to contact precaution gear and made us sit in this garb for about 5 minutes. I had debated taking my hoodie off in case I got hot before putting on my gown. About 30 seconds after putting on the equipment, I became overheated and felt like I couldn't breathe. I would take the mask off and the teacher would tell me to put it back on because you were not allowed to take your mask off in a patients room. I felt dizzy, nauseated and out of control. Once we were able to take the equipment off, my anxiety hadn't subsided. I was terrified that my anxiety had returned. For the rest of the day I felt as if I was in a fog and I prayed that this was just a fluke, that maybe I was just hot or dehydrated. The next day in class, I panicked again with nothing to set me off. I had to leave class, go home and I lied in bed feeling absolutely defeated. On top of that, I had met someone new in class that I really liked and I was so embarrassed to think I might get sick in front of him that it only added to my anxiety. As time went on, I was barely making it through class. I had talked to my teacher because I now had developed test anxiety- or rather would feel panicked during each test because I knew I couldn't just get up and walk outside. My teacher was able to make special provisions for me to test in a semi secluded area, away from other classmates. I began dating the guy I met in class around Thanksgiving break and on our second date, I had one of the worst panic attacks I can remember outside in open air. I was so embarrassed thinking how I was blowing it with this guy that I liked so much and how he must think I was crazy. He attempted to talk me through it, not knowing anything about anxiety or what I was feeling. I know now in retrospect, I had a stomach virus at the time and was confusing its symptoms with anxiety. But by me over thinking the symptoms, I had forced a panic attack on myself. I was laid up in bed for the whole week of Thanksgiving break, and surprisingly, Peter, the guy I was seeing was so supportive and still willing to stick it out. We're engaged now so I won't leave you all with a cliff hanger. Throughout the rest of the school year, I had battled my anxiety day to day, making good grades, but spacing out in class. The more I leaved about diseases and medications, the more I panicked about every ache and pain. I became terrified of taking medications, almost feeling claustrophobic knowing that they were in my system and there was nothing I could do to get them out quicker. I stopped taking my xanax PRN thinking it was causing respiratory issues. I was able to graduate and find a job without difficulty. Nursing had become a passion and I realized that when I am helping other people, I have way less time to worry about myself. A few more years, a few more panic attacks and general avoidance of any place with a crowd, or a place I couldn't leave easily. I knew I wanted to go back to school for my RN, but was terrified of going back to school and sitting in a class full of strangers and having to go through the anxiety all over again. I left it up to fate when I took my entrance test this past summer and when I found out I passed and was accepted into the program, I couldn't fight it. I prayed for 2 months to give me the strength to get through the semester. I started on August 20th and panicked during the whole 3 hour lecture. My teacher had mentioned that for anyone with test anxiety or other issues, the disability office might be able to come up with special provisions. At the end of class, I briefly explained my anxiety and that I did not want to seem rude if I ever needed to walk out of class. She told me she understood and that she would set up an appointment with the disability office. I was so relieved when I got there and explained my plight, they had set up a provision for the semester that I am free to leave if I needed to, test in a room by myself, and have preferred seating closer to the door. I was able to relax some and made it through the semester, becoming less anxious as we went along. During winter break, I don't know how, but I began pinching myself every time I felt a wave of anxiety. Pretty soon, I had developed bruises all over my arms and legs. When school started again this past Monday, I was pinching away. Even though I knew what to expect in class, I felt more anxious than I was last semester. On Tuesday, I had my first root canal. I don't mind the dentist, but again, I panic when I feel that I can't leave if I needed to- certainly not halfway through a root canal with a hole in my tooth! The dentist have me a shot of lidocaine with epinephrine (I'm not afraid of needles at all) except of all the people this could happen to, he injected it into my blood vessel cause me to have the same symptoms of a panic attack x 100. My heart was pounding through my chest, my arms and legs went numb and I was blacking out. I had to sit in the chair with my legs above my heart to increase blood flow to my brain. I was like that for a good 5 minutes. Surprisingly, I was able to continue and go through with the root canal. I felt so happy when it was over and that I was still living after such a mishap with the lidocaine (it can actually cause deadly arrhythmias). But, pretty soon that happiness had worn off and I became anxious again remembering the feelings I had when it happened, knowing I need another injection in two weeks for my crown and just the general anxiety I feel with school. I have felt so overwhelmed since then, I had to leave a clinical orientation and couldn't even bear to go into class today. I wrote to my teacher to try to explain what a battle it is every single minute of class to actually stay and not get up and leave. How I feel spacey and nauseated and over heated. I don't expect her to understand or anyone else I know for that matter because they don't have this terrible disorder. Which is how I ended up here today. I needed to hear some words of encouragement, I have to hear that people have made it through these tough times. I am so exhausted and when I think about it, I don't even know how I have the energy to face each day, or feel any happiness at all. Of course most of my day is spent anxiety free at home, or at work but what I feel for three hours during the day for class and the time leading up to actually going in to class is just so overwhelming. I know I'm not alone in feeling like this, and of course I know that things can be worse, but it's so hard for me to see the bright side lately. I need to know how other people are managing. Please share your stories and hopefully we can give each other hope that it can and will get better.
Thank you all for your time,
Tricia
