Shutinshell
Member
I'll give a bit info on my past and then describe the current situation.
My past: I was a energetic and happy child. I sang, danced, and was very energetic. At home my mom nicknamed me tigger or crazy squirrel as a child. It was a cute little joke. When I was in elementary school I started to get picked on alot. It wasnt always like this. It started when I started going to public school. It continued on until high school where towards the end it started to die down. The effects didnt hit me right away. It happened slowly and I didnt see it coming. Sort of like how someone can get fat without even realizing it until they try a pair of old jeans on and they no longer fit. I became withdrawn, bitter, a liar, insecure, overly shy, nervous, and a coward. I was always on the defensive.
Current: I'm in college. I'm doing well. My grades are good. I have managed to act less awkward and more normal. In my eyes at least. During breaks and the beginning of class before the teacher arrives I put on my earphones to avoid conversation and to get my mind off feeling nervous. I find it helps. I am aware this is avoiding my problem but I dont care to find a cure since I think its too late. The damage has been done. All I can do now is seem less weird and strange.
Two girls started being nice to me. I occasionally help out and make small conversation with one of the girls. Sometimes I do so with the other as well. I never initiate it though. I started taking one ear phone off every time I entered class in case one of the girls who sat nearby wanted to talk to me or ask me something. It became a sort of pattern. I would sit in my seat and pull one out in case she wanted to say anything. Sometimes I would notice her slightly smirk or laugh while looking at her computer screen. I wasnt sure if it was at me or at whatever she was looking at. Perhaps in my insecurity I was staring but didnt realize it. I dont know.
Fast forward to a few weeks later and a friend of the girl called out to her to sit next to her. She replied she wanted to be near the door. The girl then said you dont have to sit next to her if you come by me. So the girl got up and sat with her. In a moment of shock I couldnt hear the rest. I wasnt sure if she said that I wasnt listening to her (earphones) or if she said something else. Regardless though I heard.
Now there is a chance she was referring to this chubby girl who sits sort of near her. For whatever reason they dislike her. She wasnt there yet but maybe she meant when she does come. I dont know.
I am so upset thinking they dislike me when I tried so hard to be normal. I dont know why but I have this strong desire to be liked or at least tolerated by everyone. When I find out I am disliked it crushes me. I never do anything to make people hate me but I admit I am socially awkward.
My mom said maybe they werent talking about me and my past is making me insecure. I hope she is right.
What do you think? I wanted to cry but couldnt. Now as I type this out I feel like crying. I feel so hopeless. Like I was born to be hated and should just die. I'm a mistake, a failure, a loser, and just worthless trash. It doesnt matter what I do. No one will want to be my friend and no guy will ever fall in love with me.
If you read all that and can give advice great. If you read some or all but have nothing to say fine. I just wanted to vent tbh. I picked the name shutinshell because I feel like deep down I want to get out and wish I could be normal like my sisters or at least able to fake it better but I feel like I'm trapped and no one wants me to get out.
Its like I'm just naturally awkward and weird now. I cant be normal. I try but I still stick out. I am the sort of person who says something during a big conversation that causes everyone to become silent and stare or break out into a fit of laughter.
My past: I was a energetic and happy child. I sang, danced, and was very energetic. At home my mom nicknamed me tigger or crazy squirrel as a child. It was a cute little joke. When I was in elementary school I started to get picked on alot. It wasnt always like this. It started when I started going to public school. It continued on until high school where towards the end it started to die down. The effects didnt hit me right away. It happened slowly and I didnt see it coming. Sort of like how someone can get fat without even realizing it until they try a pair of old jeans on and they no longer fit. I became withdrawn, bitter, a liar, insecure, overly shy, nervous, and a coward. I was always on the defensive.
Current: I'm in college. I'm doing well. My grades are good. I have managed to act less awkward and more normal. In my eyes at least. During breaks and the beginning of class before the teacher arrives I put on my earphones to avoid conversation and to get my mind off feeling nervous. I find it helps. I am aware this is avoiding my problem but I dont care to find a cure since I think its too late. The damage has been done. All I can do now is seem less weird and strange.
Two girls started being nice to me. I occasionally help out and make small conversation with one of the girls. Sometimes I do so with the other as well. I never initiate it though. I started taking one ear phone off every time I entered class in case one of the girls who sat nearby wanted to talk to me or ask me something. It became a sort of pattern. I would sit in my seat and pull one out in case she wanted to say anything. Sometimes I would notice her slightly smirk or laugh while looking at her computer screen. I wasnt sure if it was at me or at whatever she was looking at. Perhaps in my insecurity I was staring but didnt realize it. I dont know.
Fast forward to a few weeks later and a friend of the girl called out to her to sit next to her. She replied she wanted to be near the door. The girl then said you dont have to sit next to her if you come by me. So the girl got up and sat with her. In a moment of shock I couldnt hear the rest. I wasnt sure if she said that I wasnt listening to her (earphones) or if she said something else. Regardless though I heard.
Now there is a chance she was referring to this chubby girl who sits sort of near her. For whatever reason they dislike her. She wasnt there yet but maybe she meant when she does come. I dont know.
I am so upset thinking they dislike me when I tried so hard to be normal. I dont know why but I have this strong desire to be liked or at least tolerated by everyone. When I find out I am disliked it crushes me. I never do anything to make people hate me but I admit I am socially awkward.
My mom said maybe they werent talking about me and my past is making me insecure. I hope she is right.
What do you think? I wanted to cry but couldnt. Now as I type this out I feel like crying. I feel so hopeless. Like I was born to be hated and should just die. I'm a mistake, a failure, a loser, and just worthless trash. It doesnt matter what I do. No one will want to be my friend and no guy will ever fall in love with me.
If you read all that and can give advice great. If you read some or all but have nothing to say fine. I just wanted to vent tbh. I picked the name shutinshell because I feel like deep down I want to get out and wish I could be normal like my sisters or at least able to fake it better but I feel like I'm trapped and no one wants me to get out.
Its like I'm just naturally awkward and weird now. I cant be normal. I try but I still stick out. I am the sort of person who says something during a big conversation that causes everyone to become silent and stare or break out into a fit of laughter.
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