Family background/support

[symbiosis]

Hello all

Just curious what others have found helpful (or not so helpful!) in regards to their family and SP??

I'm an only child with kind, well-meaning, but 'dysfunctional' parents....I'm sure this has had an impact on my condition. Of course, it doesn't help to dwell on the past or try to blame others, but this aspect of SP does seem intriguing....

Does your family understand you and your SP? Mine still don’t and I’ve had it for 24 years! I tried to explain things a bit more to them recently about how it all feels, and confronted them about a few things from the past…but they still don’t really ‘get’ it. More recently I mentioned something to my Mum about SP, and her comment was “It is so unnecessary for you to think that way” – my reply “Of course it’s not ‘necessary’ it’s a mental health issue!” There seems to be a view that SP is somehow a ‘choice’ or under our control….even my mother who witnessed me at my absolute lowest and knows how suicidal and utterly hopeless I’ve felt at times doesn’t understand!

What are others’ experiences?

On a brighter note, I’m a member of Connect, a SP support group and we all REALLY understand each other! It’s heaven…

Cheers, Symbiosis xxxx

 

[solo1]

Nah, although I've tried to explain & even showed them articles, etc., my family doesn't understand my disorders either, they just chalk it up to me being "Loony". What ever~~ keeps me from being nominated for the 'in charge' person for family gatherings, being asked to baby sit, etc., so I can deal nicely with the label. It's really a thankless job being loony, but it does have it's rewards!

 

[Anonymous]

No.. They just referred it as being shy. But I told them that there is no harm seeing a doctor, so they agreed...

 

[Noise_Terrorist]

I've often hinted to my parents that I have SP, hoping they'll work it out for themselves, because I can't bring myself to just blurt it out to them. I'm 18 and just finished school, and am taking a year out before going to University. My mother has been pushing for me to get a job, but as a sufferer of SP, I find this very difficult. A few days ago, I tried to explain to my mother about the difficulties I face, but she didn't understand and just replied with, "Tom, stop being pathetic." That's it. 'Pathetic' eh....

Anyway, I can't tell my parents. They wouldn't understand. Both of my parents are well adjusted successful members of society. My mother is a social butterfly, and has trouble understanding why people are shy or nervous in social situations. Not only that, but she can't keep a secret. If I told her about my SP and asked her to keep it confidential, the whole family would know about it within a week, and start treating me like a charity case. It happened last year, when I was due to have an operation, and I asked my mother not to make a big deal out of it. To my dissapointment, everyone knew about it in a few days... :roll:

I do love my parents, they're great but maybe they are slightly to blame for my SP. I'm an only child, and have had an insulated upbringing. My parents were very protective of me, and still are, even though I'm 18, which has somewhat restricted me, and not given me as much of a 'social education' (for lack of better term) as my peers have had. It often feels like I've had no provacy, because my parents worry alot, and often wonder where I am, constantly phoning me and worrying about me. I'm fairly sure that this over-protective nature has influenced my SP in some way.

 

[symbiosis]

Yikes - "pathetic".....our behaviour must look so odd to others at times...I remember being about 17 (kinda at the peak of my SP career!), and I didn't want (was too frightened) to visit my cousin in hospital who had just given birth...my mother told me in no uncertain terms that I was a 'bad person' and that she didn't like what she saw....of course as a terrified 17 year old with SP, what sort of comeback did I have??? Bl@@dy none, except for even lower self esteem than before......

Not that I blame my Mum, even though it sounds bad above, what the hell could she make of my behaviour?? None of us knew what was going on with me, I just acted 'weird'....

So, you have my support and no, you are not pathetic at all!

Cheers, Symbiosis

 

[Orlando]

Hi, everyone!


I had problems with my parents too. Especially, when I was in high school and college, I would keep telling them about my problems and they would say, "Toughen up." Great advice...however, no one told me how to 'toughen up.' It was if these two words were supposed be magic and somehow ("Up, Up and Away!) I could fly up over my difficulties. Well, it never happened.
However, I was persistent and my parents now can understand me a little more than before.
Atleast with my mother and father, I would frequently ask them if they cared for me and would want the best for me. I kept telling them how worried I was about my future for finding a job, taking care of my children and buying a house. It was tough. We got in many arguements. There is no real final solution to your problem however at least you know that other people (on this website) know where you are coming from.

 

[happywannabe]

hi all
i dont think my parents really no wot is wrong with me i dont really talk about it i have tryed b4 because they wonder why i dont go out to work as my sp has stoped me doing this. i think they just think that am just to shy to work or to go out i havent really thout about wot they think what is the matter with me untill now i have read this post they knew i had problems when i was a teenager and was selfharming my self but thats when the sp kicked in and they thought it was tention seeking. i have two brother and three sister and only one of them my younger sister knows i have sp. i dont know if they would understand it and think am just being stupid or they say ok and thats it and dont mention it ever again or beein surportive. am really close to my mum and dad but i find it really hard to talk to them about myself how does it make use feel talking to ur parents about social phobia

 

[neddy]

Hello, My parents don't understand what my problem is. My mum just thinks I am ultra shy as I am very shy and introverted and rather than trying to find out why I don't like social situations and can't handle being around crowds she tells everyone that I am bashful which makes me feel worse. I embarrass her as I am too quiet and why don't I talk to people more and go out more. I am ok on one on one but as soon as there are a group of people I am way out of my comfort zone and start withdrawing and this is when she says I embasrrass her.

I wish there was a support group called connect here. I live in Darwin and haven't found one. I think the closest one is in Adelaide.

 

[symbiosis]

Hi Neddy - apparently Connect is sort of unique in Australia. Was started by a couple of people with SP and is a 'user' run support group. Has been about the most helpful thing I've done for myself.

I've sometimes thought that other interstate groups could be started....needs someone 'recovered' enough to initiate a group and run workshops (public speaking!!!), meetings and arrange social outings (which we all chip in and organise).

Sounds like heaps of parents are baffled with /embarrassed by/in denial about SP! I suspected this might be the case....

Cheers, Symbiosis

 

[Ice]

My mom would tell every stranger I meet that I am shy. And now I found out that my parents were only joking about taking me to see a doctor. I mentioned that to them many times.
Dad "wanna go shopping with me?"
Me "no I don't want to go shopping."
"where do you want to go?"
"hospital"
"whadaya gonna do in a hospital?!"
"c'mon you know what I'm going to do!"
"I don't!"
"you really don't know?"
"no"
"really?"
"no!"
...

:'(

 

[solo1]

Gee, Ice, try not to cry, the tears will freeze!

That had to be majorly disappointing to be counting on something and then have it fall through. but...I'd be willing to bet that your parents DIDN'T KNOW they were giving you hope, I have a hunch that instead of joking, they may have possibly been using the 'offer' as a harmnless threat thinking you wouldn't really want to go it would turn you around in the right direction! Can you possibly convince them that you really did want to go & that there is something mentally 'bothering' you? There are some parent's who can't face their offspring, siblings, etc. being 'unbalanced', maybe because of the guilt if they feel responsible, maybe because of what other people might think, who knows for certain, but a lot of people will even go into denial about it. Your parents are probably convinced that you are fine, normal, and deep down, if they think there may be a slight possibility, they might be hoping it's just a temporary thing you have the ability to snap out of.

You have got to talk to them... I mean REALLY talk to them, convince them! Be honest and tell them that you really had a lot of hopelessness lifted off of you when you were under the impression you would be getting some help.

Come On Ice, you can do it! Be an example for the rest of us and make us proud!

 

[Ice]

...
I explained to them before. I tried to convince them. They just couldn't comprehend. They said I was being so ridiculous. :roll: They don't believe anything from the net either. But I never REALLY talked to them. too scary. I would tell them bits and pieces every now and then. Like when we were in the car I would start to talk about how a kid I know could talk so well and then I told them I would be very painful(lack of words) even running into someone I know. And they would say just don't be afraid there's nothing to be afraid of. And they say I'm very normal. Yeah SPs do look very normal outside. They just don't understand the importance. They won't sit down and ponder about it. In fact they think I'm getting more and more delusional(excuse my English. not sure if that's the right word ). Maybe only a doctor can tell them the importance. I think I told them enough. I'm too scared to say anything anymore.
solo1 Thank you anyways.

 

[Jarous]

Orlando - Five for Fighting fan?

I never told my parents how I feel. First, there is the fear ... but even worse is that I'd be ruining their dreams - and it's everyone's right to dream, isn't it? Especially parents' right ... my father still thinks they'll somehow reprogram me at the university to start drinking, clubbing, dating and all that - I get an idea he wants a drinking buddy And my mother longs to see grandchildren flooding her house ... how can I possibly tell them to kiss these dreams goodby???

 

[Anonymous]

Ice and Jarous,

I just wanted to say that it is really important to fight for your rights. It sounds like your parents love you or care about your future (even though they are misunderstand your shyness.) It is so sad that with Social Phobia, we are the first people to be overlooked and neglected care....and that's because we don't say how we feel or display our emotions.
I think that it is important to be persistent when asking for help. Like solo1 said "Many parents don't really want to know that their child is in pain (That would be a threat to their self-esteem. This doesn't mean they don't love you. It just means they are humans, who also don't like to see themselves as failures as parents).

Jarous, you brought up a good point. It really doesn't matter what your parent's dreams are....It doesn't reflect reality. Sooner or later, if not tomorrow or maybe when you are 30, they will understand that you have social phobia. Social phobia will affect the type of friends you have, the job you may get, and the significant other that you may marry.

 

[Anonymous]

OOps

It's me again.

I just wanted to say, Jarous, is that this is your life......your parents may have dreams but they aren't reflecting reality....sooner or later (maybe when you are 30, they will realize that you have SP.) Their dreams will break down sooner or later (why not now).

Ice and Jarous, It is just my opinion but I think you should keep talking about how you feel and request for help. I just don't like people suffering alone. I have suffered a lone for along time until I got help. Don't suffer alone. It's just not worth it.

 

[Jarous]

Their dreams will break down sooner or later (why not now).

I know this will be a mere excuse, but you can't say that. It's like "We'll all die one nice day, why not now?" I just don't think this kind of knowledge would add towards their happiness in the least...

 

[Anonymous]

I understand, Jarous, but how is pretending that everything is ok going to make things better. How is pretending going to make your life better?
If you are trying to protect your parent from feeling badly, how badly will they feel when they find out they had a chance to help you now and did not take that opportunity.

I won't say anything more.....I said what I wanted to and the rest is none of my business...so I will butt out...