Caleb
New member
Hey, fellow friends of SP, how's it going?
Just found this forum and after reading several of the posts, I come to realize that I share the same thoughts, problems, and experiences with some of the rest of you. May not be as severe in some cases. No offense, but some of you are absolute nutjobs.
But don't get mad at me for saying that because my life sucks, too. I've been dealing with Social Anxiety for about 10 years now and it's a bitch, a real thorn in my side.
It started when I was probably around 12 years old and I was in fifth or sixth grade. The teacher had us sitting along the walls of the hallway outside of the classroom. Emily, a girl that I liked, was sitting on the opposite side of the hallway. I remember calling out to her and telling her to "Watch Me". I raised up from my sitting position and placed my feet under me with knees bent and began hopping over to her like a bunny rabbit. Yeah, I know.. it's stupid, but I was in the fifth or sixth grade, so give me a break. The teacher caught me hopping around, probably thinking I had worms, and got onto me. She had merely told me to stop playing and sit back down. That was all she said. It wasn't gentle nor harsh, just a simple command. Which I quickly took heed to, but I remember getting back into place and looking around at all the other students staring at me. Some of them snickering because I had gotten into trouble. Some of them feeling sorry for me, and some of them just plain blank staring, probably not even sure where they were, because they were so doped up on ADD medicine at the time. But I just remember all those faces looking at me and how each of them were thinking about me.
Somewhere around that time is when I became really shy. My days of being goofy were over, my days of jumping around like an idiot in front of football bleachers to make people laugh came to an end, my days of being class clown were gone, my days of being me vanished. I was no longer myself, merely a shell of what I once was.
Everyone had taken notice of my shyness and how it grew over the years, from full on conversations to reverting to small talk to just plain avoiding people.
Socially wasn't the only place I was affected. Playing sports also took its hits. I had to move from being a pitcher to playing second base after beaming too many kids with the ball because I couldn't focus on pitching but instead of all the people and other players watching me. I was constantly wondering about what others were thinking about me. That wasn't the last change either. Eventually I went from 2nd base to right field, where there is virtually no action. They should just as well have thrown up another set of bleachers out there. But it didn't bother me, the less action I saw the easier it was to control my anxiety.
I dropped out of public school when I was 15 and started homeschooling, which was the worse thing I could have done. I had pretty much shut myself out from the world then, but I eventually went on to get my g.e.d. and even attended a few courses at a local junior college, which helped bring me back to reality a little bit.
I suffer no anxiety around close friends and family, just people I don't know and those that I don't know well.
I do have a group of people that I, off and on, hang out with. I can go a few months hanging out with them on the weekends where we usually get into all kinds of crazy things, but then I'll turn around and avoid them for a while. When they call and invite me over, I always use words like: might, try, and probably. Such as "Yeah, I'll try to make it over," or "Yeah, I'll probably be there shortly." In which case I never make it, and instead just stay at the house watching tv all weekend or playing games, to which both activities are boring, but it keeps my anxiety at bay, so I'm content with it. They eventually stop calling because I never show up, and I go ahead and crawl up into my shell anywhere from a couple of weeks to months. Then I finally get around to convincing myself that I'm gonna just rot away in this house if I don't start getting out and doing something, so I'll make the call to one of my friends and I'm back into the swing of things again for a while.
I've never had any problems with sweating or shaking. I do get nervous though. My head gets overwhelmed with so many thoughts, from wondering what people are thinking of me right now to wondering what people will think of me if i do this or if I do that. Wondering if what I say will sound stupid or will I be ignored. It's such an overload to the point where it's difficult for me to continue with conversations. I usually just cop out by supplying a barrage of one answer replies. "Yeah...Uh-huh...Yep..."
The number one thing that pisses me off about my anxiety, well, besides not be able to beat it or control, is how it continually screws up my chances with meeting girls. I've had so many regrets for not saying something I should have said, for not doing something that I should have done. All because a voice in my head says, "don't say that or do that! You'll look or sound stupid or come off strange." It has held me back on so many occasions I could just scream, but I won't because something in my head tells me I'll look stupid if I do.
The only girls I can get with are party girls, obnoxious girls, or girls that chase after me because they think I'm not interested, but actually I am, it's just that I don't act on anything I'm thinking, so they think I'm not interested. I don't have to show emotion with the loud, obnoxious party girls, because they have enough emotion for everybody. They might could even squeeze a frown out of Burt Reynolds. But these relationships fizzle out eventually.
In all honesty and it may sound strange, I wish I could meet a shy, quite girl that didn't always speak her mind or make herself look stupid. But the chances of that happening are rare. It would be like making two walls talk to each other, it just isn't gonna happen.
I'm in one of those phases where I'm not hanging out with anybody. It's been about three weeks now. One buddy called Friday and invited me to a party he was having and I didn't show. Another buddy called 4th of July and wanted to know If I wanted to go out on a boat with him and a few people to watch a fireworks show to which I replied, "Yeah, I'll probably come." I didn't show.
Well, I've seemed to have ranted on for quite a while. For those that actually read this, I didn't mean to take up so much of your time.
Also, I may have joked around occasionally during this post, but Social Anxiety is a serious problem for me and I wish I could do something to combat it.
P.S. Ever notice how getting drunk eliminates the Social Anxiety. If only I could also avoid the lack of balance and slurred speech and poor decision-making that comes with it, I'd be in heaven. Oh, and I forgot puking, it's awful and I don't like it. To be completely honest, though, I don't drink much, it's just the times I do I notice the quiet in my mind that at times can be actually relaxing.
One last thing, please don't just look over me here, because even smaller things such as not getting replied to in forums can cause a shrink in my self-confidence. So leave me a message, even if it's one of those "You're a loser," or "I wish you were dead," types.
Thanks again, Caleb
Just found this forum and after reading several of the posts, I come to realize that I share the same thoughts, problems, and experiences with some of the rest of you. May not be as severe in some cases. No offense, but some of you are absolute nutjobs.
But don't get mad at me for saying that because my life sucks, too. I've been dealing with Social Anxiety for about 10 years now and it's a bitch, a real thorn in my side.
It started when I was probably around 12 years old and I was in fifth or sixth grade. The teacher had us sitting along the walls of the hallway outside of the classroom. Emily, a girl that I liked, was sitting on the opposite side of the hallway. I remember calling out to her and telling her to "Watch Me". I raised up from my sitting position and placed my feet under me with knees bent and began hopping over to her like a bunny rabbit. Yeah, I know.. it's stupid, but I was in the fifth or sixth grade, so give me a break. The teacher caught me hopping around, probably thinking I had worms, and got onto me. She had merely told me to stop playing and sit back down. That was all she said. It wasn't gentle nor harsh, just a simple command. Which I quickly took heed to, but I remember getting back into place and looking around at all the other students staring at me. Some of them snickering because I had gotten into trouble. Some of them feeling sorry for me, and some of them just plain blank staring, probably not even sure where they were, because they were so doped up on ADD medicine at the time. But I just remember all those faces looking at me and how each of them were thinking about me.
Somewhere around that time is when I became really shy. My days of being goofy were over, my days of jumping around like an idiot in front of football bleachers to make people laugh came to an end, my days of being class clown were gone, my days of being me vanished. I was no longer myself, merely a shell of what I once was.
Everyone had taken notice of my shyness and how it grew over the years, from full on conversations to reverting to small talk to just plain avoiding people.
Socially wasn't the only place I was affected. Playing sports also took its hits. I had to move from being a pitcher to playing second base after beaming too many kids with the ball because I couldn't focus on pitching but instead of all the people and other players watching me. I was constantly wondering about what others were thinking about me. That wasn't the last change either. Eventually I went from 2nd base to right field, where there is virtually no action. They should just as well have thrown up another set of bleachers out there. But it didn't bother me, the less action I saw the easier it was to control my anxiety.
I dropped out of public school when I was 15 and started homeschooling, which was the worse thing I could have done. I had pretty much shut myself out from the world then, but I eventually went on to get my g.e.d. and even attended a few courses at a local junior college, which helped bring me back to reality a little bit.
I suffer no anxiety around close friends and family, just people I don't know and those that I don't know well.
I do have a group of people that I, off and on, hang out with. I can go a few months hanging out with them on the weekends where we usually get into all kinds of crazy things, but then I'll turn around and avoid them for a while. When they call and invite me over, I always use words like: might, try, and probably. Such as "Yeah, I'll try to make it over," or "Yeah, I'll probably be there shortly." In which case I never make it, and instead just stay at the house watching tv all weekend or playing games, to which both activities are boring, but it keeps my anxiety at bay, so I'm content with it. They eventually stop calling because I never show up, and I go ahead and crawl up into my shell anywhere from a couple of weeks to months. Then I finally get around to convincing myself that I'm gonna just rot away in this house if I don't start getting out and doing something, so I'll make the call to one of my friends and I'm back into the swing of things again for a while.
I've never had any problems with sweating or shaking. I do get nervous though. My head gets overwhelmed with so many thoughts, from wondering what people are thinking of me right now to wondering what people will think of me if i do this or if I do that. Wondering if what I say will sound stupid or will I be ignored. It's such an overload to the point where it's difficult for me to continue with conversations. I usually just cop out by supplying a barrage of one answer replies. "Yeah...Uh-huh...Yep..."
The number one thing that pisses me off about my anxiety, well, besides not be able to beat it or control, is how it continually screws up my chances with meeting girls. I've had so many regrets for not saying something I should have said, for not doing something that I should have done. All because a voice in my head says, "don't say that or do that! You'll look or sound stupid or come off strange." It has held me back on so many occasions I could just scream, but I won't because something in my head tells me I'll look stupid if I do.
The only girls I can get with are party girls, obnoxious girls, or girls that chase after me because they think I'm not interested, but actually I am, it's just that I don't act on anything I'm thinking, so they think I'm not interested. I don't have to show emotion with the loud, obnoxious party girls, because they have enough emotion for everybody. They might could even squeeze a frown out of Burt Reynolds. But these relationships fizzle out eventually.
In all honesty and it may sound strange, I wish I could meet a shy, quite girl that didn't always speak her mind or make herself look stupid. But the chances of that happening are rare. It would be like making two walls talk to each other, it just isn't gonna happen.
I'm in one of those phases where I'm not hanging out with anybody. It's been about three weeks now. One buddy called Friday and invited me to a party he was having and I didn't show. Another buddy called 4th of July and wanted to know If I wanted to go out on a boat with him and a few people to watch a fireworks show to which I replied, "Yeah, I'll probably come." I didn't show.
Well, I've seemed to have ranted on for quite a while. For those that actually read this, I didn't mean to take up so much of your time.
Also, I may have joked around occasionally during this post, but Social Anxiety is a serious problem for me and I wish I could do something to combat it.
P.S. Ever notice how getting drunk eliminates the Social Anxiety. If only I could also avoid the lack of balance and slurred speech and poor decision-making that comes with it, I'd be in heaven. Oh, and I forgot puking, it's awful and I don't like it. To be completely honest, though, I don't drink much, it's just the times I do I notice the quiet in my mind that at times can be actually relaxing.
One last thing, please don't just look over me here, because even smaller things such as not getting replied to in forums can cause a shrink in my self-confidence. So leave me a message, even if it's one of those "You're a loser," or "I wish you were dead," types.
Thanks again, Caleb
