The job thing sucks for socially phobic folk. I even have a hard time going into a place to ask for an application. I thought the "online application" thing was a godsend until I realized that they almost never get answered: I take an hour to fill out tons of vacuous details about myself-- in addition to a personality test (which I expertly lie upon)-- only to find it forwarded on to digital purgatory where it invariably exists ad infinitum. Now I work in the back of a restaurant cutting vegtables at a frantic, break-neck pace for little money whilst dealing with a psycho boss that gropes me from time to time and idiot coworkers who haven't yet discovered deodorant-- working sucks! Seems as though it is just a requisite part of life to have to spend 8 hours of every week day hating life until you can go home and indulge in escape, only to come up for air sunday afternoon and dread going to work-hell on monday-- and that's if you get weekends off! I don't know... I don't buy it. There has to be a better way. I feel so disconnected from anything real. Most work is mechanical, monotonous, and super specialized: it is the stimulus by which our minds lobotomize themselves until retirement. Then we lie to ourselves, either faking pride in children that are actively hating their lives, or saying "Well... I am a good person-- I never hurt anyone", cause that is the best valuation we can muster: to have had no effect on anything. I'm getting disgusted anymore by everything... Even myself and all of you-- the internet. It disgusts me kind of. Granted, the possibilities of it are mind-boggling and exciting, but so often it gets misused and functions as an inadequate stand-in for real life, meaningful experience, and just basking in the natural world: feeling the wind rustle your hair, being bathed in a kaliedoscope of light as the sunset peers through the foliage of an oak tree, or even the exhilaration of punching someone in the face who deserves it-- we concoct little worlds with nebulous, diffuse minds spread all over the world and avoid engaging with the world outside our door. Abstraction reigns in these digital realms-- and while in specific instances it may galvanize learning, epiphany and ultimately transcendence-- more often than not it just fascillitates us cowing in the face of possibility. Anyway, my phobic friends, I shall go to sleep as I have to work tomorrow...
p.s. Don't take the "disgust" thing to seriously, my sensitive darlings, frustration manifests itself, and really should be forgiven its trespass when it travels with genuine feeling.
