Hating the World

[sky]

I'm new. And I have social phobia or anxiety disorder. Whatever.

I was a teenager or something when I first found out I had it. It was nothing so dramatic, I was just searching through websites, read something on social anxiety disorder, found it fit me exactly, unlike so many other disorders, and said to myself, "Oh, so that's the name for what's wrong with me." I've had it since I was born, or at least for as long as I can remember. And I can remember back to when I was two or three. So, you could say it's not situational. But it is. The whole world is one awful "situation".

How do you "get over" this shit? Let's see if there's anything I haven't tried. Psychologists? They're all so full of it. They either don't understand me, or want me to talk through my problems and solve them on my own (gee genius, if I could solve my problems on my own I won't be here at all, would I?), or both. Not to mention they try to treat me for "agoraphobia". WTF? I might be a basketcase, but it's not so bad that I'm going to start thinking I'm having a heart attack or something. Plus I think my problems are bad enough without panic attacks. Maybe things would be easier if I got them. Perhaps people would be more sympathetic if I held my heart, collapsed and started to say "OMG I'm dying!!!!" or something like that every time I was feeling particularly bad anxiety. Ha, I doubt it. They'd probably just laugh. And then there's medication. The insomnia actually adds to problems instead of taking away, okay? More hours in the day to be depressed, and then tired on top of that. My parents wish my personality would do a complete 180 just after popping a pill, but it's not that simple.

If people were generally good, if these things were all just "in my head", I think I would have gotten over these "irrational" fears a LONG time ago. You see I wanted to have friends. I wanted to be socially involved with other members of the human race. I wanted to be "normal". But after I got a little taste of what's "normal", I realize social anxiety is what should be "normal". People are generally evil. They will step on you to bring themselves up, socially, emotionally, professionally, academically, just for a laugh, it doesn't matter. It's because of people I grew from just being a little afraid of social situations with other people, to HATING other people. I hate them so bad. So you don't think I'm some kind of egomaniac, you should know I hate myself most of all. I hate this whole entire planet, I wish I could die. But sadly, thanks to God, if one exists I hate it too, I'm afraid of everything, including death.

The only way I got through junior high was thinking things would get better. The only way I got through high school, which was worse, was by thinking that things would be magically better, that people would be magically better, once I was out. Someone told me they would be. I was an idiot to believe them. It doesn't matter what you do or don't do, things never get better. Only worse. I just want to end it all. I don't want to feel bad any more.

 

[Orlando]

Hi, Sky!

Welcome to the site. Just wanted to say that there are some people who are just mean, evil individuals. On occasion, I have done some pretty mean things to other people (So I would not be surprised if someone called me evil too)...However, there are some people who are genuinely caring and understanding people too...They are hard to find but when you do find them....They are worth their company!

I hope you find many friends here at socialphobiaworld.com!

 

[Anonymous]

Sky, I can relate to this big time, man!!! I'm sorry you are suffering and can assure you than many of us have had similar experiences.

My SA is not as dramatic as it is for some people either... I'm not housebound... yeah there's plenty of anxiety, but I rarely get panic attacks (and when I do I think it's for other reasons)... I can usually hide the fear... but there's a pervasive mode of being that I'm in, and more or less always have been... powerful drive to avoid people... periods of absolutely hating everyone and everything. Isolation. Bad shrinks, wrong meds. Insomnia and depression. How high school eneded, but in life high school never ends...

The "pervasive mode of being" is the issue. I just "realized" this recently (I'm 31...). I've come to realize how distorted my think was/is/has been... we're all so attuned to the negative, and we give each negative event much more weight than a truly equivalent positive event... and we devalue the positive... hence the world is full of unrelelenting evil in our eyes.

The world sure ain't perfect and there's plenty of evil on the loose. but I've just recently come to see that the world isn't as bad as I've always made it out to be. All that cheesy $h!t about "attitude" and all that I've heard four billion times and had annoy me just as much, turns out, I'm starting to see, to have been right all along... just as annoying as when my mom used to say it...

Easier said than done? Absolutely. I won't minimize a thing. But try something... start by reading these boards... celelbrate every accomplishment, and take failure as an oppotunity to do better... I know, all that cheesy $h!t again (it still makes me cringe) but we've heard it all a million times for a reason.

Hang in there!! You can do it. Find something in this world that you like. I know there's SOMEthing. Tell us about it.

 

[sky]

Thanks for your replies, Oralando and J. I'm really glad to hear that at least, I'm not the only one.

Orlando... I used to believe the same as you. That there were some decent people out there. It's a nice outlook to have, really. I found someone I thought would be my friend for life and never hurt me. I thought they were a truly decent person and thanked God for sending me the friend I had prayed for since I was a young child. Then this "friend" stabbed me in the back worse than anyone ever had before and I went into a year long depression where it took me hours to get up the courage to get out of the house.

J, I truly have had mostly negative events. I don't believe any of that stuff about "attitude" because I used to have a "good attitude" and it got me nowhere but down. I've been housebound... Not because I was afraid to go out... Well, mostly not. It was mostly because I didn't want to, but I guess there was a little fear in that equation. I'm trying every day to do better but I'm just so angry at everything. As for what in the world I like, I guess it would be my computer. Hahaha. I also like books, writing, but I guess they're all tools to escape from reality. I also guess the world would be a lot better if there weren't all these people. I really like nature. I'm kind of obsessed with astronomy. Looking at the sky. Because you know, there has to be somewhere better than here...

 

[Anonymous]

Hello sky and Hello to all users
I come from the Italian social phobia forum, nice to see you.

I've just read your post and i'm really surprised.I share many of your opinions, particularly what you said about people.Incredible, too bad i don't know you.

Well, let's explain.I've never had friends or whatever, and i never leave my house, well i go only to school (i'm 18).After three years in middle and four in high school i have a very bad opinion of people,human nature and our society.You are really right when you say that "they" are "evil", "They will step on you to bring themselves up, socially, emotionally, professionally, academically, just for a laugh, it doesn't matter.".

I'd like to underline "just for a laugh", just for fun; the damned people in my school is exactly like you described.I learned this the hard way, cos it's years that i'm bullied, laughed at, ridiculed by many people.They do this stuff in direct and indirect ways. :roll:

No, i don't hate them anymore.I'm totally resigned about people, what should i do? I really don't like "them", and in fact i don't like even myself.I think i may die in this moment, maybe we should all die and end this thing human-kind calls 'life'.

And yes, i also wanted to have some friends or socialize, but i was always banned as a "strange", because i don't dress like them, i don't think like them, i don't do what they do, i do not conform, i'm too "good natured" etc.. they label you "asocial" and then "crazy..stupid" once they see you are DIFFERENT.And once you are not like them, they laugh at you and they take advantage of your weakness and isolation;sometime they have a good laugh, sometime they do it to humiliate you.And this happens everyday everywhere (i think), not only in my school..

And you are also right when you say that being social phobic is being "normal" ehehehe :lol: They think to be normal but maybe they are just a bunch of conformed people who doesn't want to use their brain.

However out there there's some "rare" people like us who doesn't need/want to humiliate, and we are squashed by this society and "the system".

And yes, i'm also agree when you say that you got social anxiety also because you had very bad experiences in social life, if i interpret well.
This is my case, i found really one or two "intelligent" people who respected me (they were all shy and a little isolated, is this a case?), people who's able to think with their head, people who doesn't want to do something "bad" to others.

Bye

Sorry for the language but english is not my
native language.

 

[Anonymous]

Let me just say I got over social phobia not so long ago.

But now that i'm SP free, I now find it hard to spot people with SP... I do humillate people, I do take a laugh at other people... only under some conditions:

-Is a friend and nows I'm just joking
-Revenge :twisted:

I only found at recently one of my friends had SP and it's ebcause he confessed it to me... I just thought he was very negative... and well, weird... but it reminds me of myself a while ago, what a weird world, neverthless I have always been a good friend to him and help him in whenever ways I can. So keep looking... the best comes for less

 

[Anonymous]

Dear Sufferer

Sky,

Hi. Heh. I also have your "disorder." Heheeeee. I'm 23. I hate to be the one to tell you this, but...you're being a weak idiot. Wait, I apologize, forget you...

For thousands of years there were people who, ( and think logically with me here) had the same problems that (you) have. It isn't a brand new phenomena. They didn't ruminate on it. Or maybe they did. Whatever they did, they trudged forward and did whatever they did, lived, and died. And now they're gone.

Quit whining. Stop it. YOu probably lacked someone in your life to SERIOUSLY say STOP IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and whoop your ass. I did. And I ended up contemplating and wondering and trying to label the behavior which I despised. Then I found a label and fed off it. Then I fed off it and started taking medication. Then I started visiting websites and typing my life story into them, whilst anxiously waiting the posts in reply...then I realized that it all culminates in two words: STOP IT!. However you go about doing it, that's your business. Waste time or jump to the chase, like I did. Just stop being a fucking idiot. Stop it. Whoever thought you would turn out so weak?

 

[Anonymous]

Revision

Honestly, that last sentence (which consisted of: "who would ever think you would turn out so weak?") was undesirable. I didn't properly express myself. I should have said this: of course you're this weak, and you'll probably always be weak, you dolt. Quit bitching shit head; I hate you "Children of the Diagnosed Failure" generation. Stop meditating on why you're wasting your horrible life, and get out and try to kick a little ass here and there. Idiot. Bye. Stop IT! FUCK! I'd hit you and make fun of you if I were in your vicinity but I'm not, so you'll therefore probably continue to marinating in your self-pity juices. I hate you. You're self-imprisoned. Escape accordingly.

 

[sky]

"Two Words",

I'm well aware that social phobia has existed for a long time. I've said several times to others that it existed long before anyone gave it a name. Knowing about it has helped me get out of self-loathing rather than further into it. When I get symptoms now I can handle them much better by knowing they appear because I have an anxiety disorder, and not because I'm a "weak person". You seem to lack a basic understanding of this disorder. Telling people to "stop it" doesn't really help. I had people tell me to "stop it" many times long before I knew about social phobia. Of course it sounded more like "you shouldn't be so quiet" or "don't you know how to talk", but it was the basic idea of "stop being like that". If your symptoms easily disappeared simply by someone telling you to "stop it", then I am extremely doubtful that you had true social anxiety disorder.

How exactly do you think I'm wasting my life? Looking at my posts a months later I can see that my posts were highly pessimistic. I was venting, I don't walk around talking like that on a daily basis. I still think that people are generally selfish, I'm just not bitter about it any more. I may have been housebound for a while, but lots of people, even without an anxiety disorder, have been housebound for reasons other than they physically couldn't go outside. It didn't last for very long and I'm not anymore. I currently go to work, school, and have several projects, hobbies and activities outside work and school that I'm involved in. Hardly a "waste of life". I suppose you think just having social anxiety disorder in itself is wasting my life? I know I'm not the only one here who would disagree with you. Being brave isn't the absence of fear, it's acting in spite of fear.

I kind of get the impression that you're angry at yourself for your own social anxiety symptoms. Learn to vent it through something productive like sports or a diary. Venting by anonymously bashing others on the internet is very weak action indeed. As for your threats to "whoop my ass", I'm extremely doubtful you'd follow through in real life. Sigh. I used to be like you and think the only way I could be respectable was to show my anger, but I've matured and found out that there are alternatives to emotional reactions like despair and anger. Maybe you should follow your own advice and "Just stop being a fucking idiot.".

To everyone else, sorry for replying to such an old post. I hadn't looked at this post for a long time, and I just had something to say after I noticed the troll's response. 8)

 

[Henry]

Sky dont be hating the world. It's a wonderful life my man. And no I'm not one of those assholes who tell lifes so great yet their life is perfect. My life is horrible by normal standards. I have no friends, I only had a few best friends in the past but there gone now. I have no girlfriend and I am extremely shy around girls, so Im screwed there too. I just usually spend my life being alone, but you know what? I still love life. I mean to say is having a life has nothing to do with what anyone else thinks. You yourself define your life. And dont take life for granted either man. I have my health and Im thankful for that. And you should to. So keep your chin up, and never give up.

 

[sky]

I know. :roll: I made that post almost half a year ago.. Seems like a lot longer. I don't hate the world, but I'm under no delusions of perfection either.

Only replied now because of a troll. (Two Words -- see my other current post. ^^

 

[nerdgirl178]

Hey Sky I have read your first post and I feel the same as you did(or you may still feel the same). My father sees being shy as being weak and they should "get over it." he is in the corporate world and he is like a leader and I am soooo completely the opposite. In his field its all about money, egos, politics and shit like that which I really hate! So I grew up with selfish, greedy people. I guess having SA makes me aware more of the world and I observe a lot. Of course I hate having SA, and I wish i can be "cured." Sometimes I think having SA is wasting away my youth. I never really had many freinds, or enjoyed my life like most people my age (I am 23), but at least I am finishing school and doing something with my life and preparing a career in academia. before, like when I was 17, I just wanted to die and I actually attempted it. i mean my life istnt all flowers and lillies now, I am still struggling with my SA, and I just have to live with it. There is a saying that I read somewhere, thats says "the more you complain the longer God lets you live." I guess in life we have to suffer, I hate it, but thats life.

 

[Kaya]

Sky, I found your original post was highly amusing and very relatable, I enjoy your cynicism!
But believe me you don't want panic attacks, it's only people who don't have SP who get the luxury of of the "i'm dying" melodrama. I would never draw that kind of attention to myself even if I was having a real heart attack! No, I run away when I have a panic attack, just get up and run out of the room/ supermarket/ resturant, trying to look as if it was my choice, trying to think of a convincing excuse when people ask me "Why the fuck did you run off??" (strangely "I was having a panic attack" only draws blank stares, or laughter...)
On the bright side I guess all the running around keeps me fit so I will never be put in the uncomfortable position of having a heart attack in public and being too scared to ask for help. :wink: