ianxxx
New member
Hi everyone, My name is Ian. I do not suffer from social phobia anymore and therefore will not be posting much. I just wanted to share with you all my incredible story of how bad things can get when you have acute social phobia and no social safety net. Just a warning, this isn't for the faint of heart.
I did not know my real parents. I was adopted from birth and raised in Calgary, Canada. I had very severe social phobia while growing up. You all know what that's like so I won't bore you with the details. I started doing drugs as a teenager and got into the wrong group simply to have "friends". My step father died when I was young and my mother tried to do her best raising me. I flunked out of high school. At this point, I left home and headed to find work in Toronto. I worked at very mundane jobs for a few years and when I found out my mother had died, my life took a turn for the worse. My life was already hell because of my social phobia. I had to take jobs that did not involve any sort of interaction with people so they were really low paying.
So there I was working for peanuts in a big city, with no prospects because of my condition. I was 22 with no friends, no girl, no money and this constant low opinion of myself that wouldn't go away. 6 months later I told my boss to go fuck himself and did not leave my room for 3 weeks. My social phobia was so severe that I could not speak to anyone, let alone go for a job interview. I was down to my last hundred dollars, my rent was due and I had no food. Shortly after that, I found myself on the street with a few garbage bags full of clothes. It was May so the temperature was ok for sleeping outside. I was quickly introduced to life on the street by other street people and began begging on a busy corner in the financial district. Here I was with my hat out begging for money while busy professionals walked past me. Most ignored me, some gave me dirty looks and some could be over heard saying how I should be removed or how pathetic I looked. Having severe social phobia, I could not ask for money, or even look people in the eye. I sat there with my hat out staring at the ground and trying to mentally tune out the verbal abuse. I was still me inside, but outside, I was vermin that most people wanted nothing to do with.
I don't want to write a book here (although I could), but suffice it to say, I did not make enough money to eat. The world can be very tough and I was finding out first hand. I resorted to eating out of dumpsters behind resturants. The worst part about becoming a bum is that you are deprived of basic things like a shower, toothbrush, clean clothes. That really takes getting used to. The summer came and went and before long, I found myself sitting over a subway grate with a dirty blanket around me, and it was -25 C. The street patrol would try to get us to go to a shelter, but they where over crowded and full of lice. Not to mention, you could get your boots taken from you while you slept. I did this for 2 years!! I don't know how I survived.
The breaking point for me was waking up one morning in February and discovering that someone had tossed me aside and stole my subway grate. I was frozen to the sidewalk and could barely move. I managed to get to my feet and the next thing you know, I was yelling at the top my lungs at everyone that walked by. There I was, a greasy long haired, long bearded and tattered clothes lunatic, I must have been a sight. I stood there and yelled at people like a crazy person until the cops came to arrest me. I had snapped. Looking back, this was truely the lowest point in my life.
Heading into the police station, I heard comments like "what rock did he crawl out from under" and " oh my god, he smells. ( I hadn't showered in over 2 years). They processed me and instead of charging me, they transferred me to a phych hospital. I had lost my wallet years ago, so there was no way they could ID me. I did not speak for at least 1 month. I was deemed violent so I was restrained for most of the time. During that first month, I do believe I was insane. It was not me, but some unfortunate sole who had simply lost his mind.
I slowly came out of it and was be-friended by one of the workers there. I eventually spoke and after a while, They let me mingle with the others there. As bad as things were, I felt better than I had felt in my entire life. I also made a promise to myself that I would never allow myself to get like this again and linked everything back to my social phobia. At that point, I linked to much pain with being socially phobic, that I simply would not accept that in my life ever again. I started a new life without social phobia because I simply did not care what others thought of me (and that's the key) because everything was really insignificant compared to what I had just been through.
I stayed at the hospital for 3 months and worked on getting my life back on track. I read "The millionaire next door" and other inspirational books like that while I was there. Eventually, I was released to a halfway house and social assistance got me a job. I moved out on my own soon afterwards. I could now talk to people without looking away and I did not feel inferior. I could carry on a conversation and speak freely anytime and anywhere. I was not nervous in public and never considered myself socially phobic ever again.
I lived in a rooming house for years while I saved every last cent from my 2 jobs. I quit one job and took a business course at the local college. In 3 years I managed to save almost $35,000. I started a cleaning company the next year and concentated on growing the business. Today, I employ 24 people and have accumulated over 1 million dollars in personal wealth. I have never had social phobia come back into my life. I refuse to. I have friends and participate in social gatherings all the time. I have meetings with customers, banks and suppliers without any hint of social phobia. I would not have dreamed I would ever be able to do that.
Many of you will never sink as low as I had to, thankfully. If i could sum it all up, I would have to say that the only way I beat social phobia is by wiping the slate clean and startin from scratch. When you are truely at the bottom then the only way to go is up.
I did not know my real parents. I was adopted from birth and raised in Calgary, Canada. I had very severe social phobia while growing up. You all know what that's like so I won't bore you with the details. I started doing drugs as a teenager and got into the wrong group simply to have "friends". My step father died when I was young and my mother tried to do her best raising me. I flunked out of high school. At this point, I left home and headed to find work in Toronto. I worked at very mundane jobs for a few years and when I found out my mother had died, my life took a turn for the worse. My life was already hell because of my social phobia. I had to take jobs that did not involve any sort of interaction with people so they were really low paying.
So there I was working for peanuts in a big city, with no prospects because of my condition. I was 22 with no friends, no girl, no money and this constant low opinion of myself that wouldn't go away. 6 months later I told my boss to go fuck himself and did not leave my room for 3 weeks. My social phobia was so severe that I could not speak to anyone, let alone go for a job interview. I was down to my last hundred dollars, my rent was due and I had no food. Shortly after that, I found myself on the street with a few garbage bags full of clothes. It was May so the temperature was ok for sleeping outside. I was quickly introduced to life on the street by other street people and began begging on a busy corner in the financial district. Here I was with my hat out begging for money while busy professionals walked past me. Most ignored me, some gave me dirty looks and some could be over heard saying how I should be removed or how pathetic I looked. Having severe social phobia, I could not ask for money, or even look people in the eye. I sat there with my hat out staring at the ground and trying to mentally tune out the verbal abuse. I was still me inside, but outside, I was vermin that most people wanted nothing to do with.
I don't want to write a book here (although I could), but suffice it to say, I did not make enough money to eat. The world can be very tough and I was finding out first hand. I resorted to eating out of dumpsters behind resturants. The worst part about becoming a bum is that you are deprived of basic things like a shower, toothbrush, clean clothes. That really takes getting used to. The summer came and went and before long, I found myself sitting over a subway grate with a dirty blanket around me, and it was -25 C. The street patrol would try to get us to go to a shelter, but they where over crowded and full of lice. Not to mention, you could get your boots taken from you while you slept. I did this for 2 years!! I don't know how I survived.
The breaking point for me was waking up one morning in February and discovering that someone had tossed me aside and stole my subway grate. I was frozen to the sidewalk and could barely move. I managed to get to my feet and the next thing you know, I was yelling at the top my lungs at everyone that walked by. There I was, a greasy long haired, long bearded and tattered clothes lunatic, I must have been a sight. I stood there and yelled at people like a crazy person until the cops came to arrest me. I had snapped. Looking back, this was truely the lowest point in my life.
Heading into the police station, I heard comments like "what rock did he crawl out from under" and " oh my god, he smells. ( I hadn't showered in over 2 years). They processed me and instead of charging me, they transferred me to a phych hospital. I had lost my wallet years ago, so there was no way they could ID me. I did not speak for at least 1 month. I was deemed violent so I was restrained for most of the time. During that first month, I do believe I was insane. It was not me, but some unfortunate sole who had simply lost his mind.
I slowly came out of it and was be-friended by one of the workers there. I eventually spoke and after a while, They let me mingle with the others there. As bad as things were, I felt better than I had felt in my entire life. I also made a promise to myself that I would never allow myself to get like this again and linked everything back to my social phobia. At that point, I linked to much pain with being socially phobic, that I simply would not accept that in my life ever again. I started a new life without social phobia because I simply did not care what others thought of me (and that's the key) because everything was really insignificant compared to what I had just been through.
I stayed at the hospital for 3 months and worked on getting my life back on track. I read "The millionaire next door" and other inspirational books like that while I was there. Eventually, I was released to a halfway house and social assistance got me a job. I moved out on my own soon afterwards. I could now talk to people without looking away and I did not feel inferior. I could carry on a conversation and speak freely anytime and anywhere. I was not nervous in public and never considered myself socially phobic ever again.
I lived in a rooming house for years while I saved every last cent from my 2 jobs. I quit one job and took a business course at the local college. In 3 years I managed to save almost $35,000. I started a cleaning company the next year and concentated on growing the business. Today, I employ 24 people and have accumulated over 1 million dollars in personal wealth. I have never had social phobia come back into my life. I refuse to. I have friends and participate in social gatherings all the time. I have meetings with customers, banks and suppliers without any hint of social phobia. I would not have dreamed I would ever be able to do that.
Many of you will never sink as low as I had to, thankfully. If i could sum it all up, I would have to say that the only way I beat social phobia is by wiping the slate clean and startin from scratch. When you are truely at the bottom then the only way to go is up.
iam glad to hear you are free of SA now but it did seem one hell of a way to get over it but i guess its all be worth it in the end 
