I know, I know....I need help and all that stuff, I need to change first but I just can't take it anymore.
I have been talking to a girl for the last week and my emotions are all over the place. I've done every single thing possible to PUSH HER away so nothing will become personal, but she won't go away. I've told her all about my emotions and how I feel and she still won't let me go. I tried so hard but now it's eating up every part of me beyond words. She pays attentiont to what I say and even though she admits she can't understand fully, she still wants to talk with me....
I've definately been going crazy these last few days. I have been sitting at my inbox refreshing it every second for the past 5 hours. I wrote her a big long email and that was supposed to my FINAL one, but she responded...
I have already hurt her over the last few days multiple times to make her go away. IT HURTS ME TOO, buT NO ONE must get close to me, they just can't and I won't let it. I've been crying constantly and physically been sick several times. I know you think this is crazy but as some of you know the only communication I have with people is text so I have to look at it carefully and try to understand the emotions coming through more precisely. Text is as strong as spoken word and visual stuff.
I really wish I could get close to her but I know what will happen. i'm not going to let that happen and suddenly find out that I make her go away, or even if she doesn't I know I will be hurting her. She's too NICE to me, she gives me more than I am worth and I know it.
Before I met her, I accepted what I am and I do not care anymore. I have lost nearly everything I have and I will be like this forever. This also brings up memories of Christine..this is how it was with her! *sniff*
I can't let go of Christine..I really can't!!!! I tried, I am trying but I never knew what happened to her and I cannot accept that. Now this new girl years later reminds me of her and it is so much for me to deal with. She talks about not being second best and I told her she'll find a guy soon. She doesn't even like me in that kind of way anyway, I think she just wants to be friends..but I've shared with her everything already because I expected her to leave. NOW I don't know what to do.
My heart is broken because she's still here and I have nothing else to say.
I can't help but create this fantasy that Lauren is Christine, but it's..arghhhh....I'm too upset I must go.
I have been talking to a girl for the last week and my emotions are all over the place. I've done every single thing possible to PUSH HER away so nothing will become personal, but she won't go away. I've told her all about my emotions and how I feel and she still won't let me go. I tried so hard but now it's eating up every part of me beyond words. She pays attentiont to what I say and even though she admits she can't understand fully, she still wants to talk with me....
I've definately been going crazy these last few days. I have been sitting at my inbox refreshing it every second for the past 5 hours. I wrote her a big long email and that was supposed to my FINAL one, but she responded...
I have already hurt her over the last few days multiple times to make her go away. IT HURTS ME TOO, buT NO ONE must get close to me, they just can't and I won't let it. I've been crying constantly and physically been sick several times. I know you think this is crazy but as some of you know the only communication I have with people is text so I have to look at it carefully and try to understand the emotions coming through more precisely. Text is as strong as spoken word and visual stuff.
I really wish I could get close to her but I know what will happen. i'm not going to let that happen and suddenly find out that I make her go away, or even if she doesn't I know I will be hurting her. She's too NICE to me, she gives me more than I am worth and I know it.
Before I met her, I accepted what I am and I do not care anymore. I have lost nearly everything I have and I will be like this forever. This also brings up memories of Christine..this is how it was with her! *sniff*
I can't let go of Christine..I really can't!!!! I tried, I am trying but I never knew what happened to her and I cannot accept that. Now this new girl years later reminds me of her and it is so much for me to deal with. She talks about not being second best and I told her she'll find a guy soon. She doesn't even like me in that kind of way anyway, I think she just wants to be friends..but I've shared with her everything already because I expected her to leave. NOW I don't know what to do.
My heart is broken because she's still here and I have nothing else to say.
I can't help but create this fantasy that Lauren is Christine, but it's..arghhhh....I'm too upset I must go.