I'm 25.
I hate life so much. Not just my life any life in general.
I hate eating, hate sleeping, hate having sex, hate lust. I hate the feeling of being a puppet to primitive instincts, hate being a slave to society. You work, you eat, you sleep, you work, you eat you sleep. There's no time for anything and even when I have "free" time I can't even try to enjoy it, because of the noise. All the apartments I go to. It's quiet first week and then the music, the drilling, the hammering, all day and all night, I'm so sick of it, I feel like I gonna kill someone eventually. My hand is currently bleeding from hitting the ceiling. I would love to buy a house, but economy in my country is so messed up I would have to work 100+ years or win a lottery to be able to afford it.
I hate socializing. I have a massive ego and I get bored of people in about 15 minutes. I put on a fake smile when I go out to eat with my coworkers, but in the end I just want to be left alone. I have never had a friend and I never cared for anyone. I think I'm unable of feeling empathy anymore.
The only thing I like in this world is creation. I like writing/imagining things, creating better worlds. Worlds without lust, without envy, without pain, lack, death. But I know I would never be able to live of it. Not in my country. Not anywhere probably. Nobody cares about talent anymore. I look at all the movies/games/anime/books which come out these days and 99.9 % of them are just uninspired cliche nonsense, I could write better stuff in my sleep. It's not about being good, it's all about knowing the right people and being in the right place at the right time.
I'm currently working as game programmer, but it's not at all as exciting as it sounds. Company I work for is not interested in anything innovative, they just ripoff already existing titles, make minimal changes and release as their own. I tried offering innovation, but no one cares about innovation anymore and it's the only game development company in my country so I can't even try somewhere else. I'm pretty much dead inside.
I'm currently on holiday and have to go back to work on Wednesday, but I don't think I can do it anymore and then again I'm not sure if I can afford to quit. Money I have would probably only last me for few months and then I would need to find another, probably even more soul-killing job. I also can't handle working 8 hour shifts, I'm this close of killing myself every morning.
I'm not interested in talking to the therapist or taking any medication. I know what I'm feeling and I know why I'm feeling it. I studied psychology myself for some time. I don't need to be "fixed." I'm not a broke down car, which could just be fixed. I refuse to be socialized. I rather die.
My loneliness, hate and struggle is what identifies me and I don't want to change, but I feel like this world is not suited for me. I feel like there's no point in going any further, I will never be able to do what I want, I will never get peace and quiet and I will never get away from needing to eat, sleep or feeling lust.
I was never abused or anything. I was always this way, as long as I can remember. It's juts no place for me in this world, right? Suicide is the only way to end this pointless struggle?
I hate life so much. Not just my life any life in general.
I hate eating, hate sleeping, hate having sex, hate lust. I hate the feeling of being a puppet to primitive instincts, hate being a slave to society. You work, you eat, you sleep, you work, you eat you sleep. There's no time for anything and even when I have "free" time I can't even try to enjoy it, because of the noise. All the apartments I go to. It's quiet first week and then the music, the drilling, the hammering, all day and all night, I'm so sick of it, I feel like I gonna kill someone eventually. My hand is currently bleeding from hitting the ceiling. I would love to buy a house, but economy in my country is so messed up I would have to work 100+ years or win a lottery to be able to afford it.
I hate socializing. I have a massive ego and I get bored of people in about 15 minutes. I put on a fake smile when I go out to eat with my coworkers, but in the end I just want to be left alone. I have never had a friend and I never cared for anyone. I think I'm unable of feeling empathy anymore.
The only thing I like in this world is creation. I like writing/imagining things, creating better worlds. Worlds without lust, without envy, without pain, lack, death. But I know I would never be able to live of it. Not in my country. Not anywhere probably. Nobody cares about talent anymore. I look at all the movies/games/anime/books which come out these days and 99.9 % of them are just uninspired cliche nonsense, I could write better stuff in my sleep. It's not about being good, it's all about knowing the right people and being in the right place at the right time.
I'm currently working as game programmer, but it's not at all as exciting as it sounds. Company I work for is not interested in anything innovative, they just ripoff already existing titles, make minimal changes and release as their own. I tried offering innovation, but no one cares about innovation anymore and it's the only game development company in my country so I can't even try somewhere else. I'm pretty much dead inside.
I'm currently on holiday and have to go back to work on Wednesday, but I don't think I can do it anymore and then again I'm not sure if I can afford to quit. Money I have would probably only last me for few months and then I would need to find another, probably even more soul-killing job. I also can't handle working 8 hour shifts, I'm this close of killing myself every morning.
I'm not interested in talking to the therapist or taking any medication. I know what I'm feeling and I know why I'm feeling it. I studied psychology myself for some time. I don't need to be "fixed." I'm not a broke down car, which could just be fixed. I refuse to be socialized. I rather die.
My loneliness, hate and struggle is what identifies me and I don't want to change, but I feel like this world is not suited for me. I feel like there's no point in going any further, I will never be able to do what I want, I will never get peace and quiet and I will never get away from needing to eat, sleep or feeling lust.
I was never abused or anything. I was always this way, as long as I can remember. It's juts no place for me in this world, right? Suicide is the only way to end this pointless struggle?