Bezerkian
Member
Hi. I never thought I head on here to post this but now, It's all I can do.
I have a form of social anxiety known as "Selective Mutism". Yeah, I know I'm a little old (17) to have it but, I do. I have no behavioral issue, most people know me as a real nice guy.
I haven't talked in school for years yet, talked alot everywhere else. In late January, I tried to change my life independantly for the better. I found a group of kids which I like before I started talking with them and started communicating to them via notes. I wrote 6 front/back notes of who I was and who I am. Like a long introduction. I told them I was trying to start talking in school. But, at the time I told them that talking in school would be an effortless turn-key process. I'm an overconfident person so, I believe I could handle it.
The 2 people I selected have grown to love me in a matter of days. They saw me as a friend they never knew they had. At the end of the 2nd week, I gave them both my phone numbers. We talked all the time outside of school. They really like me and said they think I would be so much cooler if I talked in school. I agreed and without theropy, hope to overcome my disorder. Now, I never told them I had this until last week. I just said my silence was just an act and nothing more.
As the weeks went on, I hung at my friend's house. At that point he kept saying "whenever your ready man.". Then, not listening I have thrown myself in social situations headlong. I have risen up to be the anchor for a announcement show for a day at school. This was limited to one class. The thing was, if I was force to a social situation, I trick my disorder into thinking otherwise, therefore, able to do it effortlessly. As time went on, I felt my friend (girl) is getting slightly farther away since she is starting to ignore me a little. So I called her on the phone saying I couldn't lose her and stuff. She says "It dosen't matter if talk in school, I'll still be your friend." and "We are not forcing you, take it at your own pace"
Later I went over to her house since we had to do this video project. I figured since we had a camera, I can make a speech at her house and then show in front of the class. Well, anyways, I asked them over and over if they wanted to do this. They kept saying "yes".
Then the next day came... little did I know, my life would be changing for the worse. We got to school and usually quiet wating for the video to be shown in 5th period. Unfortunately, things changed. As soon as I got there, to think we have been hanging out last night, neither say "hi" or acknowledge my existence. I was in confusion, I honestly thought they forgot about last night. So, I went home that day feeling so-so. Things just got worse. The next week, my friend (girl) ignored me, not even looking at me. My other friend knew what was going on but, didn't say much.
It got worse, I tried writing letters to them and asked what is wrong. She simply torn up and threw them out. The next time I got on the phone with her she was yelling at me: " I been wating over a month, I don't see what is so hard about talking in school! Just F***ing talk!" and "You don't need that video!" and my other friend was like "No offense dude, but, I see were she's coming from". So, I tried my hardest to talk in school. It wasn't much but, I did do it. But, it was quietly with them and had to get closer for them to hear me. I have a soft voice, this makes matters worse.
After 2 weeks of that, they said it's not enough and don't understand why I can't talk in school the best of my ability like I can anywhere else. This has torn me up horribly. I lost sleep, I got sick, I became an emotional wreck. Thursday was a very bad day for me, I had went out to the bus stop during a down pour and sat on a wad of gum at my desk without knowing. The thing that absolutely killed me though is that my friend (girl) be-friended me. She said she can't be my friend If I can't talk to her in school normally." Now, I was in a serious fury of mixed emotions, feeling all guilt and no mercy from either. I talked to her on the phone yesterday, she said that it was never her problem (which I know) and she dosen't want to be a part of it or know me. That's when I admitted to having SM to her. She said "If you had a social disorder, then you should get help because it's not my problem." I have been getting help but, I failed to tell her. My other friend in the meantime only says "Don't know what to tell ya." over and over again.
I knew they were getting frustrated over me not talking but, after she said all those thing you wrote above and all the trust and love we shared and then treating me the way I was being treating and ending it like this? This world is so cruel. I'm left out in the cold alone again. I failed to complete my task in exceptable time.
Here we are, 2:31 AM saturday morning and what a fantastic way to start spring break. I'm left with nothing worth pushing myself to talk for, one less friend, no self-esteem, no morale. I feel hopeful but, helpless at the same time. Most of you would think "Just leave her and move on" But, no. I'm attached to her as more than a friend. So, I'm unable. My other friend is next to follow her. At this point I realise there is nothing I can say to fix things, they won't believe me on anything.
This is where I need help which I can't get from them. I have spring break to think about this. I need to know a way I can force myself to be in situation were I must talk. For instance, everyone knows me as silent but, when someone I have been talking to says "No he talks" I'm obligated to say "Hi" at least. Here's my current plan. I am going to make a out flyers that say "Do you realise I talk now?!" and post them around the school with my signature. While doing that I hold one in my hand and raise it as high as a can and jump around getting attention. That way, if they see this I will obligated to talk, therefore, will.
My goal is to talk in school but, more importantly get my friend (girl) to be my friend again.
Like I said, I want you guys to give some tips about how can overcome this in other ways. Also, your feedback is appreciated.
Thank you.
I have a form of social anxiety known as "Selective Mutism". Yeah, I know I'm a little old (17) to have it but, I do. I have no behavioral issue, most people know me as a real nice guy.
I haven't talked in school for years yet, talked alot everywhere else. In late January, I tried to change my life independantly for the better. I found a group of kids which I like before I started talking with them and started communicating to them via notes. I wrote 6 front/back notes of who I was and who I am. Like a long introduction. I told them I was trying to start talking in school. But, at the time I told them that talking in school would be an effortless turn-key process. I'm an overconfident person so, I believe I could handle it.
The 2 people I selected have grown to love me in a matter of days. They saw me as a friend they never knew they had. At the end of the 2nd week, I gave them both my phone numbers. We talked all the time outside of school. They really like me and said they think I would be so much cooler if I talked in school. I agreed and without theropy, hope to overcome my disorder. Now, I never told them I had this until last week. I just said my silence was just an act and nothing more.
As the weeks went on, I hung at my friend's house. At that point he kept saying "whenever your ready man.". Then, not listening I have thrown myself in social situations headlong. I have risen up to be the anchor for a announcement show for a day at school. This was limited to one class. The thing was, if I was force to a social situation, I trick my disorder into thinking otherwise, therefore, able to do it effortlessly. As time went on, I felt my friend (girl) is getting slightly farther away since she is starting to ignore me a little. So I called her on the phone saying I couldn't lose her and stuff. She says "It dosen't matter if talk in school, I'll still be your friend." and "We are not forcing you, take it at your own pace"
Later I went over to her house since we had to do this video project. I figured since we had a camera, I can make a speech at her house and then show in front of the class. Well, anyways, I asked them over and over if they wanted to do this. They kept saying "yes".
Then the next day came... little did I know, my life would be changing for the worse. We got to school and usually quiet wating for the video to be shown in 5th period. Unfortunately, things changed. As soon as I got there, to think we have been hanging out last night, neither say "hi" or acknowledge my existence. I was in confusion, I honestly thought they forgot about last night. So, I went home that day feeling so-so. Things just got worse. The next week, my friend (girl) ignored me, not even looking at me. My other friend knew what was going on but, didn't say much.
It got worse, I tried writing letters to them and asked what is wrong. She simply torn up and threw them out. The next time I got on the phone with her she was yelling at me: " I been wating over a month, I don't see what is so hard about talking in school! Just F***ing talk!" and "You don't need that video!" and my other friend was like "No offense dude, but, I see were she's coming from". So, I tried my hardest to talk in school. It wasn't much but, I did do it. But, it was quietly with them and had to get closer for them to hear me. I have a soft voice, this makes matters worse.
After 2 weeks of that, they said it's not enough and don't understand why I can't talk in school the best of my ability like I can anywhere else. This has torn me up horribly. I lost sleep, I got sick, I became an emotional wreck. Thursday was a very bad day for me, I had went out to the bus stop during a down pour and sat on a wad of gum at my desk without knowing. The thing that absolutely killed me though is that my friend (girl) be-friended me. She said she can't be my friend If I can't talk to her in school normally." Now, I was in a serious fury of mixed emotions, feeling all guilt and no mercy from either. I talked to her on the phone yesterday, she said that it was never her problem (which I know) and she dosen't want to be a part of it or know me. That's when I admitted to having SM to her. She said "If you had a social disorder, then you should get help because it's not my problem." I have been getting help but, I failed to tell her. My other friend in the meantime only says "Don't know what to tell ya." over and over again.
I knew they were getting frustrated over me not talking but, after she said all those thing you wrote above and all the trust and love we shared and then treating me the way I was being treating and ending it like this? This world is so cruel. I'm left out in the cold alone again. I failed to complete my task in exceptable time.
Here we are, 2:31 AM saturday morning and what a fantastic way to start spring break. I'm left with nothing worth pushing myself to talk for, one less friend, no self-esteem, no morale. I feel hopeful but, helpless at the same time. Most of you would think "Just leave her and move on" But, no. I'm attached to her as more than a friend. So, I'm unable. My other friend is next to follow her. At this point I realise there is nothing I can say to fix things, they won't believe me on anything.
This is where I need help which I can't get from them. I have spring break to think about this. I need to know a way I can force myself to be in situation were I must talk. For instance, everyone knows me as silent but, when someone I have been talking to says "No he talks" I'm obligated to say "Hi" at least. Here's my current plan. I am going to make a out flyers that say "Do you realise I talk now?!" and post them around the school with my signature. While doing that I hold one in my hand and raise it as high as a can and jump around getting attention. That way, if they see this I will obligated to talk, therefore, will.
My goal is to talk in school but, more importantly get my friend (girl) to be my friend again.
Like I said, I want you guys to give some tips about how can overcome this in other ways. Also, your feedback is appreciated.
Thank you.
