My girlfriend has agoraphobia

[sortzcov]

We have been seeing each other for 4 months and at the start she showed no signs although there were a couple of occasions were she found it hard going in the car to get to places but nothing major. However a month ago she had to get her lift to stop and she walked home, it was the first bad attack she'd had in nearly a year. Up until that point I never realized how serious her problem was. Since then she has really went into her shell and has told me she wants to deal with this by herself. She has told me she can't cope with a relationship until this is sorted out. I have fully respected her decision and have only begun to see how bad it has got, I've told her I will give her all the space she needs in the hope that she can get better and when it does I will be waiting for her.

She has been referred to a counsellor and I'm really hoping this will help her but I know that it may take time. It's frustrating because only now do I understand how bad it must really be and I admire her bravery because she gets in her car every day and goes to work and doesn't make a big deal about it. It's hard for her to talk about it because it's so frustrating for her trying to convey what it feels like but I read a good one that said "its like a woman describing to a man what it's like to be pregnant".

I love this girl to bits and really want to tell her that I understand her fears and to let her know that she is free to express it as she chooses and that when she needs to withdraw then I'm fine with that as she does have moments were it gets bad. I understand now that when she says she wants to go home thats what she means and no one is going to change her mind in fact trying to persuade her only builds up the anxiety.

We still hang out and this is the second breakup we've had this month it just seems that since this has all happened she has bad days were she wants to break it off and good days like today were we have been in contact a lot making plans for the weekend and it wouldn't surprise me if we she suggests we try again.

So what I want to ask is there any advice people can give me? Is it common for you to go into your own world and push loved ones away? Because I have all the patience in the world to help her with this I just hope that she can get on top of it not only for her but for us as well.

Also I wanna introduce myself on this and also say to everyone that is going through something similar my heart really goes out to you all!

 

[Danfalc]

So what I want to ask is there any advice people can give me? Is it common for you to go into your own world and push loved ones away? Because I have all the patience in the world to help her with this I just hope that she can get on top of it not only for her but for us as well.

Also I wanna introduce myself on this and also say to everyone that is going through something similar my heart really goes out to you all!

Hey welcome to the site.I think it shows you really care that you have took the time to come on here for a better understanding.I really hope you guys sort things out,you obviously care for each other a lot.

Anyway,I would say it can be common for people with out problems too push loved one's away.But I think if you carry on supporting her like you have,that's the best thing you can do.I know even though you are starting to understand her problems more and more,it still hurts when you get pushed away.

For what it's worth,I think the longer you support her even when she pushes you away,the more she will realize you are there for good and aren't going anywhere.Then that will hopefully mean she might open up to you more,But I also think it will be a great help to her anxiety and even your relationship,when she know's you will stick by her through thick and thin.There isn't much more you could ask from someone than that.

 

[agoraphobickatie]

that's very sweet thank you for showing that you support and understand her, as well as us, lol

as someone who has the same kind of problems as your girlfriend (obviously, haha, agoraphobickatie), i completely get it.. it sounds to me like you're doing as much as you can, and i have people in my life who are doing the same, but some of them aren't my "safe people" ...i feel comfortable around either of my parents, my best friend of 21 years (we were born 10 days apart, i'm 21, lol), and my ex boyfriend who i lived with before all of this agoraphobia kicked in (but we're still really good friends, he's still a huge support to me).. anyway, i have another friend (guy friend) who i would love to 'date' or whatever, but it's just difficult to be comfortable around him because of my anxiety.. he knows about my issues and is sweet about it and wants to help and hang out and all, but sometimes i just gotta say "no, i just feel too drained to try to deal with anxiety today" haha... anyway, i'm just saying i understand..

what she needs to know, is that you can be one of her 'safe people', you care tremendously for her, and though you can't completely feel what she feels, you do understand that it's an intense struggle for her. know that her 'pushing you away' is because she's just scared, it's hard to deal with and she wants to relieve some of the pressure (so to speak). she probably feels crazy, insecure, embarrassed and all kinds of things, you just have to show her that you're not a person that's going to judge her at all.

stick around for her, i know that without my friends and blake (the ex i'm close with), i'd never want to get out of the house and try to do anything.. blake is there to kind of push me out of my comfort zone when i've let him know i need to and i feel comfortable with it, like going to the store with him or something. basically, it sounds to me like you are doing a good job.. try to learn what she's going through and do what you can to help her work through things.. hopefully when she starts counseling, she'll learn a lot and be able to open up to you more about things she's dealing with, that'll make it easier for you to comfort her.. best wishes!

 

[sara1975]

Good on you for sticking by her
If you want to try and understand how she feels then the best way i can explain it to people without anxiety/agoraphobia is the panic you felt when taking your driving test or taking an exam or asking someone out or talking in public or watching a wife have a baby or a job interview or even the panic which can be felt when someone close to you dies or is ill and times one of those by 100% and that's the panic she feels when going out or being somewhere she doesn't want to be.

 

[sortzcov]

Thank you for all your support it means so much and what I've read is a great help...I've learnt so much from being on this forum for just one day so hopefully it will help me and her most importantly....she really is so special to me, one of my best friends got married today and I gave a speech that truly came from the heart and he appreciated it but I really would have loved her to have been there not only as my girlfriend but as my 'proud girlfriend' so maybe I'm kind of emotional.

Do not give up people I know it must be frustrating trying to explain how you feel and that no one understands but there is!!