Anonymous
Well-known member
I thought it could be a good idea to share my personal experience of the *cursed* disease that is social phobia, while remaining incognito on the internet and talking to an audience that will be able to understand the problem. Maybe it will do me some good.
Mommy has the worst case ever of Borderline Personality Disorder (now I know it) which means that she would scream (I'll censor the full description of the process) at little me for outrageous offenses such as forgetting to wash the dishes, leaving the bathroom towell on the wrong spot by accident or stuff like that. She was absolutely unable to take care of herself on her own, and since dad couldn't cope with it and chose to remain on his job from 6:00 to 23:00 in order to escape the living hell at home, the responsibility for her lied in my poor young hands. She threatened "suicide" all the time and I was forced to "save" her from a number of situations. Most important of all, mom can't stand the thought of being abandoned, so she's made sure that I would never be able to do that. Any attempt at showing initiative, like "mom I'm going out with a friend, OK?" had the usual result of initiating the outsanding wave of insults and threats. I hated her, but couldn't leave her side.
It began to tell quite early, since I developed Tourette's syndrome (generalized tic disorder) while still a kid. Somehow I managed to get completely rid of it, but it was soon replaced by something nastier. I did think it was weird that I had to check my wallet 20 times to make sure it was empty while I knew it was, or repeating my list of "things to do" hundreds of times a day to make sure I wouldn't forget anything, which as it is was quite unlikely, or turn the light on and off several times in order to make sure it was off (heh). Hundreds of other rituals and obsessions began to appear, and I had developed Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. Which, unfortunately, is not my major trouble.
I'm now 21 and I've never had a girlfriend. I literally run away from girls. When I see one on the street, especially if she looks attractive, I switch to the opposite walkway. When there's one on the bus stop, I walk until the next stop. I don't think I've ever stared at a girl I considered cute for more than a second or so. I have this deep fear of somehow offending them, and that they'll be angry at me. I wonder where did that came from... I'm attending college, but that's a nightmare for me. I can't relate to other people, I run away from the class every time there's some kind of collective activity or I can sense the terrible possibility of speaking in public looming close. I'm forced to study hard to have good grades on my exams, because I collect lots of zeroes from the group activities I'm absent from.
I'm currently trying to build up courage to see a psychiatrist, something that is obviously quite challenging for me. Lots of research about the fascinating subject of psychology have made me realize exactly what my problems are, and it seems that taking medicine is quite effective for people like this, with a history of several disorders caused by anxiety. Hopefully I'll manage to get around it
Thanks for listening, I hope this wasn't too lame.
Mommy has the worst case ever of Borderline Personality Disorder (now I know it) which means that she would scream (I'll censor the full description of the process) at little me for outrageous offenses such as forgetting to wash the dishes, leaving the bathroom towell on the wrong spot by accident or stuff like that. She was absolutely unable to take care of herself on her own, and since dad couldn't cope with it and chose to remain on his job from 6:00 to 23:00 in order to escape the living hell at home, the responsibility for her lied in my poor young hands. She threatened "suicide" all the time and I was forced to "save" her from a number of situations. Most important of all, mom can't stand the thought of being abandoned, so she's made sure that I would never be able to do that. Any attempt at showing initiative, like "mom I'm going out with a friend, OK?" had the usual result of initiating the outsanding wave of insults and threats. I hated her, but couldn't leave her side.
It began to tell quite early, since I developed Tourette's syndrome (generalized tic disorder) while still a kid. Somehow I managed to get completely rid of it, but it was soon replaced by something nastier. I did think it was weird that I had to check my wallet 20 times to make sure it was empty while I knew it was, or repeating my list of "things to do" hundreds of times a day to make sure I wouldn't forget anything, which as it is was quite unlikely, or turn the light on and off several times in order to make sure it was off (heh). Hundreds of other rituals and obsessions began to appear, and I had developed Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder. Which, unfortunately, is not my major trouble.
I'm now 21 and I've never had a girlfriend. I literally run away from girls. When I see one on the street, especially if she looks attractive, I switch to the opposite walkway. When there's one on the bus stop, I walk until the next stop. I don't think I've ever stared at a girl I considered cute for more than a second or so. I have this deep fear of somehow offending them, and that they'll be angry at me. I wonder where did that came from... I'm attending college, but that's a nightmare for me. I can't relate to other people, I run away from the class every time there's some kind of collective activity or I can sense the terrible possibility of speaking in public looming close. I'm forced to study hard to have good grades on my exams, because I collect lots of zeroes from the group activities I'm absent from.
I'm currently trying to build up courage to see a psychiatrist, something that is obviously quite challenging for me. Lots of research about the fascinating subject of psychology have made me realize exactly what my problems are, and it seems that taking medicine is quite effective for people like this, with a history of several disorders caused by anxiety. Hopefully I'll manage to get around it
Thanks for listening, I hope this wasn't too lame.
