My struggle with violent thoughts

SickCycleCarousel

SickCycleCarousel

Well-known member
I've been suffering from Pure O for about four or five years now.

Lately if I am awoken abruptly I will have a thought of killing my sister. I get scared but I also feel like I "have" to do it. I don't have these thoughts about anyone else (not as of late anyway, I have had them about my mom and dad but not as much as my sister). My sister and I don't have a very good relationship. I mean, we argue a lot but we use our words; we haven't hit each other in a very long time. I some times threaten to hit her but I know I would never do it; whenever I have hit her I instantly feel bad about it. I even feel bad when I tell her I hate her.
I get really upset with her when we argue. I feel like she is more articulate and I have to struggle with words and often times I cannot explain what it is I am thinking. I feel like she can say and or do anything she wants to me and I can't do anything back and it frustrates me so much that all I can say is "shut up and piss off". She's three years younger than I am but I always feel inferior to her.
So whenever I have intrusive thoughts they're always about her. I know I care about her other wise I wouldn't feel so sick over the thoughts.

For the past month or so I have been more pleasant to my sister. When she says hello and good morning to me instead of ignoring her like I usually do I say hello and good morning back. (I've never been a morning person and don't usually talk when I first wake up). She kinda woke me up day about how I seem to her. Like I said, I usually ignore her when she says hello to me and sometimes I'll snap at her to leave me alone like she's pestering me when all she's trying to do is be nice to me. I felt so bad about the way I had been acting that I turned a completely new leaf and even say good morning to her first.
For the last couple weeks I have been fearing that all that is a sham. I fear that I'm only going to be nice for so long then I'm going to snap and do something violent. Of course my rational side knows it isn't true. I REALLY DO want to be nicer. I don't want her to hate me and have nothing to do with me in the future. I don't want to lose her as my sister and I don't want to lose my brother because we don't have any family/relatives outside our family.
It's also like I'm trying to disprove the violent thoughts. It's like I'm being pleasant while I'm having thoughts of hurting my sister to kind of say "Ha! Joke's on you, fear, SEE I CAN be nice!" I fear I'm not genuine in my being nicer. I know it's the OCD talking. I have to remind myself every day it's only the OCD. It sometimes even comes as a revelation that it's ONLY the OCD. But I can't stand the doubt.

I took a nap today and when I woke up I instantly had a thought of killing my family. It scared me but I really felt like I was going to do it. I've been feeling so weird lately and I'm scared I'm really going crazy. But it's only the OCD, right?
I think I need to see a psychiatrist. I just cannot go on like this any longer. I'm scared but it's also like I'm becoming desensitized to the fear. The thought of that scares me more while it scares me less and that scares me more...rinse and repeat.
I don't know what to do but if I tell my mom...she just gets so angry at me for thinking these things. I hate this.

I'm sorry for the book, I have had this bottled inside me all week and really needed to get it out. I feel little better having written it down and getting it out of my head. I feel so alone and have no one that understands.

Thanks for listening.
 
R

ryder2010

Member
First of all let me say that you are not alone. I too suffer from violent intrusive thoughts about a loved one (fiancee). I think you do need to see someone (a professional therapist or otherwise) but not because you are risk to your sister or anyone else. Rather, you should see someone because you don't deserve to suffer like you have been. Have you ever seen a professional before? Have you tried meds and or CBT? There are options out there that can make a big difference. In the mean time keep sharing your thoughts and experiences here.
Many others suffer like you do. Generally speaking, people with this type of OCD have these thoughts because it is the last thing they would ever do, and it causes them a great deal of fear/guilt/shame to even consider it. Try and find ways to rest your mind. Relax by doing some exercise, get out of the house, practice a hobby ..... Best of luck to you.
 
N

Neorpheus

New member
WOW! You are so not alone in this! I have had thoughts like these almost all my life but it got severe a few months ago when I found out my wife was pregnant. I always had these horrible thoughts of hurting my wife and baby and my anxiety would go through the roof! It always felt like I "had" to perform the thoughts even though my will said NO. It is terrifying. I actually fell into a sever depression from it. After months of struggle and the advice of many people I finally went to a psychiatrist. I thought that I could fight it off alone but I finally felt like I was going to genuinely snap and hurt my family. Out of desperation I sought help. I recently started on Lexapro 10mg and Im slowly going higher on the dose.( people with OCD nice higher does of antidepressants). I'll tell you that my depression is almost gone. It kicks in again whenever anything triggers the thoughts. I cant even watch the news without feeling extremely anxious when I hear about a violent death or stabbing etc. I went as far as getting rid of most of my movies that had any inckling of violence. ANYTHING triggers me. But with the medication my obsessions have gone from a 9 to a 4 (on a scale of 1-10) and I know its only going to get better with CBT and meds. Please PLEASE understand that there is hope and youre not alnoe and there is definitely NO SHAME in going to a psychiatrist!!! I only wish I had done it sooner.... I send you a TREMENDOUS amount of love and hugs!! I love you even though I dont know you!!! God bless you!!!
 
T

thewayitusedtobe

Member
You're not alone at ALL! I've had thoughts like this too and even though I know I'd never kill anyone, even though I know I love the person so much, I can't shake the thought. It's definitely related to OCD, so if you're able to or are willing to I'd suggest OCD therapy or medication. Good luck, and never feel like you're the only one.
 
M

messanjah01

New member
I'm so thankful for finding this post/site. I also have these disturbing, violent thoughts regarding my 2 year old son whom I love more than anything in this world. I've mentioned it to my psychiatrist before but he didn't really seem to get it. He told me to "think about why or what's causing you to have the thoughts." I'll talk to him about it again at my next visit. Maybe I need to find a different Doctor or start seeing a therapist. While I'm "lucky" that these thoughts don't occur often, they need to stop completely.
Anyway, I do suffer from depression and ADD. I take Cymbalta(sp?), Lamictal, Adderall, and Trazadone(sp?) to sleep.

Thank you again
 
M

messanjah01

New member
that's a very good way to look at it! i've never been diagnosed as OCD (29 years old) but i'm starting to thing i must have a bit of it.

thanks again!
 
I

ImNotMyIllness

Well-known member
messanjah01 said:
I'm so thankful for finding this post/site. I also have these disturbing, violent thoughts regarding my 2 year old son whom I love more than anything in this world. I've mentioned it to my psychiatrist before but he didn't really seem to get it. He told me to "think about why or what's causing you to have the thoughts." I'll talk to him about it again at my next visit. Maybe I need to find a different Doctor or start seeing a therapist. While I'm "lucky" that these thoughts don't occur often, they need to stop completely.
Anyway, I do suffer from depression and ADD. I take Cymbalta(sp?), Lamictal, Adderall, and Trazadone(sp?) to sleep.

Thank you again
Click to expand...


I would recommend seeing another doctor. You have these thoughts because they cause you grief and shame. I wrote about this a while back. I too use to suffer from this OCD affliction. I hope this helps you.
http://www.socialphobiaworld.com/unwanted-thoughts-images-how-to-beat-it-45763/
 
drganon

drganon

Well-known member
I occasionally have violent thoughts. I've never acted them out on anyone, but I have let my anger get the best with me and taken it out on in-animate objects.
 
OCDd

OCDd

Well-known member
yea i too have had these thoughts, they are annoying but you just have to tell yourself im not going to do it. i have never acted out on them and no matter what, i am always in control. but you should still bring it up with a therapist and see what they have to say
 
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