afterforever
Active member
If you care enough to look back at one of my first posts here, I talked a lot about not being able to get help with my OCD (mysophobia if you don't care to find my old post) because I went to school out of town, and at the end of the day, there wasn't enough time for it. I said that I'd look for help once I was out of school. I've officially been out for a week, and I have done nothing. I've sat here and pondered as to why that might be. Surely now that I have the opportunity to rid myself of this enormous burden, I'm going to take it, right? Certainly, I'd want to take this disorder that has had a stranglehold on my life for years and rid myself of it once and for all. The problem, and possibly most nonsensical thing is...I don't.
I don't want to let go. This phobia, disorder, whatever you want to call it, has given me a sense of security in a life that sorely needed it. Somehow, locking myself up in this clean, sterile little room, touching things from outside of it only with a pair of latex gloves, and observing all the world through a computer screen in my own safe little oasis leaves me in a state of total serenity; at peace, almost. I'm a rational human being, and I'm aware that the scenario that I just described is no way to live one's life. But if I seek help, what happens to that serene, secure environment? I am absolutely, completely paranoid that when certain people in my home find out, they will "infiltrate" this safe zone, in an attempt to help me, far before I am ready to give it up. 100% paranoid, even if I have no logical reason to believe that that would happen.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, I'm in a really difficult spot right now. I'm at a crossroads. I'm just out of school and I need to start my career...I HAVE to do something. Yet at the same time, I'm unwilling to give up the security this disorder provides, almost like a teddy bear to a young child. I'm just not ready, but at the same time, I have to. I'm in such conflict over this, and the answer SHOULD be obvious (i.e. get help), but I'm not quite ready to let go. What the hell should I do? I'm terrified.
I don't want to let go. This phobia, disorder, whatever you want to call it, has given me a sense of security in a life that sorely needed it. Somehow, locking myself up in this clean, sterile little room, touching things from outside of it only with a pair of latex gloves, and observing all the world through a computer screen in my own safe little oasis leaves me in a state of total serenity; at peace, almost. I'm a rational human being, and I'm aware that the scenario that I just described is no way to live one's life. But if I seek help, what happens to that serene, secure environment? I am absolutely, completely paranoid that when certain people in my home find out, they will "infiltrate" this safe zone, in an attempt to help me, far before I am ready to give it up. 100% paranoid, even if I have no logical reason to believe that that would happen.
I guess what I'm trying to say is, I'm in a really difficult spot right now. I'm at a crossroads. I'm just out of school and I need to start my career...I HAVE to do something. Yet at the same time, I'm unwilling to give up the security this disorder provides, almost like a teddy bear to a young child. I'm just not ready, but at the same time, I have to. I'm in such conflict over this, and the answer SHOULD be obvious (i.e. get help), but I'm not quite ready to let go. What the hell should I do? I'm terrified.