OCD555
New member
I'm 26 and although I've never been diagnosed with OCD, I'm positive I have it. I check things numerous times, even pressing the off button on my stove several times before I go to bed. But more then that it's my thoughts. I worry all the time about every, constantly, things that I've said, things that I've done, things that may happen, things that won't, and I question myself on everything. I have been a little curious about the same sex, but I'm not gay and truthfully it's only a little. I always felt it's because I'm an open minded person, I have gay friends, I'm not repulsed by it and so forth. However I really have never had a desire to go out and try those things because I consider myself about 99% straight. I love woman, lets make that clear.
So I start dating this girl about 7 months ago. I fall for her really hard. I try to tell her everything about me, even that I'd been curious before. She gets weirded out and doesn't want to hang with me that night until I convince her it's just a thought. Turns out, she's even been curious about the same sex, more so then even me. So our relationship continues and I'm falling for this girl and I'm suddenly reminded of another girl I knew who I once thought the world of. Suddenly I'm comparing the two of them in my head non stop. I feel really really guilty about it and stupid me, I tell her. She's really upset, but stays with me. Then the curiousity thing comes up and she starts saying how maybe I need to go out and try stuff. I tell her I don't, however this girl I'm in love with and trusting is saying this stuff so I start to question myself. I figure I would NEVER cheat on her, I would NEVER leave her to do that stuff, so logically if I ever did it would be if she was there. That was mistake number two, that really bothered her that I said it. Truth is, even if she agreed, I wouldn't want to have done it.
So a few days later she breaks up with me after dating about a month (through an email) . I freak, go talk to her and tell her how much I love her and how I'd never met anyone like her. We stay together but now I'm obsessing about homosexual thoughts constantly. Waking up thinking I'm gay or that I need to leave her and all this shit. Also like, well what if I'm just in denial. Whenever I try to vent it she gets weirded out and reclusive. I know I'm not gay, if I list things logically how I really feel I KNOW I'm not gay. However, me telling her this, combined with being a pretty open person in bed to trying new things out (although I want to do them with a girl) she a month later breaks up with me again. I'm heartbroken. I go a couple days later and speak with her, I tell her how I relaly feel, how trying things with her in bed isn't that important, and that I really do know I want her and I'm positive because I am.
We get back together and she tells me she kinda had a thing for her co-worker and told him that, but then told him we got back together and she couldn't be friends with him outside of work. Things are good but I'm still worrying about everything, if she's faithful, if she loves me, everything. So we end up moving in together and things are ok. She's a really sensitive person and me being obsessive,honest, and constantly feeling a compulsion to tell her everything doesn't work out. A few times during sex I would get these thoughts like "what if she was a guy? what would that be like?" and even thinking it didn't feel right. I wasn't grossed out, but it didn't seem more preferable then a girl. Third mistake, I tell her that stuff. She's really hurt and tells me she doesn't want someone who thinks that way or says those kinds of things to her. And I tell her I can't help it and they're just thoughts and she still replies with "they aren't just thoughts, they're part of you" and what I say has alot to do with things. She tells me every time I promised I would say something crazy her trust would be reduced to nothing. She even asks me a few days later when we're drinking "should you really be with me?" and I say yes, because I know how my head works and I know what I really want.
A few days later she says she wants to break up, I come home from work and when I get inside she tells me she'd miss me to much and she loves me. We stay together although she mentions still having a thing for her co-worker because she wonders about someone that isn't going to say those kinds of things to hurt her or thinks that way. So flash forward another 3 weeks and she breaks up with me. Nothings been said aside from the last thing and she leaves. Moves all her stuff out and tells me that if certain things hadn't been said so soon in our relationship that she could have endured and would be happy. She tells me that because of those things I said so early she knew she'd never be able to love me as much as she should.
I was devastated, it's been almost 3 weeks and it's all I think about all day. I can't fall asleep unless I've been drinking, I wake up after about 6 hours and can't fall asleep again. It's like I want to just shake her and have her remember all the good things about me. I feel so stupid and that I messed up so bad. I know I'm not gay, I even saw people with the same thoughts post that one good way to tell is look at gay porn, if it doesn't do much for you then you're probably not gay. And it doesn't, not at all.
I've had all sorts of weird disturbing thoughts about everything from family members, to friends, to violent thoughts, and so forth. I know they're just thoughts and I know they aren't really any thing I want to do or who I am. I know that I'm in control. But it just hurts really really bad. Like my obsessive worrying and thinking drives me nuts sometimes. I loved this girl with all my heart, more then any other relationship I've ever been in. I thought she was perfect for me and she would often say the same to me. Even before we broke up she would tell me she'd be with me no matter what. I know I shouldnt have said alot of things that I did to scare her, but I did and I have such an overwhelming sense of guilt for what I've done. It just hurts and I feel lost as to what to do. Now that I'm single I still desire what I did before, to have a great girl in my life, and since she was everything I had been looking for, I feel a sense of hopelessness.
Thanks for anyone reading this, it feels good to get it out anonymously.
So I start dating this girl about 7 months ago. I fall for her really hard. I try to tell her everything about me, even that I'd been curious before. She gets weirded out and doesn't want to hang with me that night until I convince her it's just a thought. Turns out, she's even been curious about the same sex, more so then even me. So our relationship continues and I'm falling for this girl and I'm suddenly reminded of another girl I knew who I once thought the world of. Suddenly I'm comparing the two of them in my head non stop. I feel really really guilty about it and stupid me, I tell her. She's really upset, but stays with me. Then the curiousity thing comes up and she starts saying how maybe I need to go out and try stuff. I tell her I don't, however this girl I'm in love with and trusting is saying this stuff so I start to question myself. I figure I would NEVER cheat on her, I would NEVER leave her to do that stuff, so logically if I ever did it would be if she was there. That was mistake number two, that really bothered her that I said it. Truth is, even if she agreed, I wouldn't want to have done it.
So a few days later she breaks up with me after dating about a month (through an email) . I freak, go talk to her and tell her how much I love her and how I'd never met anyone like her. We stay together but now I'm obsessing about homosexual thoughts constantly. Waking up thinking I'm gay or that I need to leave her and all this shit. Also like, well what if I'm just in denial. Whenever I try to vent it she gets weirded out and reclusive. I know I'm not gay, if I list things logically how I really feel I KNOW I'm not gay. However, me telling her this, combined with being a pretty open person in bed to trying new things out (although I want to do them with a girl) she a month later breaks up with me again. I'm heartbroken. I go a couple days later and speak with her, I tell her how I relaly feel, how trying things with her in bed isn't that important, and that I really do know I want her and I'm positive because I am.
We get back together and she tells me she kinda had a thing for her co-worker and told him that, but then told him we got back together and she couldn't be friends with him outside of work. Things are good but I'm still worrying about everything, if she's faithful, if she loves me, everything. So we end up moving in together and things are ok. She's a really sensitive person and me being obsessive,honest, and constantly feeling a compulsion to tell her everything doesn't work out. A few times during sex I would get these thoughts like "what if she was a guy? what would that be like?" and even thinking it didn't feel right. I wasn't grossed out, but it didn't seem more preferable then a girl. Third mistake, I tell her that stuff. She's really hurt and tells me she doesn't want someone who thinks that way or says those kinds of things to her. And I tell her I can't help it and they're just thoughts and she still replies with "they aren't just thoughts, they're part of you" and what I say has alot to do with things. She tells me every time I promised I would say something crazy her trust would be reduced to nothing. She even asks me a few days later when we're drinking "should you really be with me?" and I say yes, because I know how my head works and I know what I really want.
A few days later she says she wants to break up, I come home from work and when I get inside she tells me she'd miss me to much and she loves me. We stay together although she mentions still having a thing for her co-worker because she wonders about someone that isn't going to say those kinds of things to hurt her or thinks that way. So flash forward another 3 weeks and she breaks up with me. Nothings been said aside from the last thing and she leaves. Moves all her stuff out and tells me that if certain things hadn't been said so soon in our relationship that she could have endured and would be happy. She tells me that because of those things I said so early she knew she'd never be able to love me as much as she should.
I was devastated, it's been almost 3 weeks and it's all I think about all day. I can't fall asleep unless I've been drinking, I wake up after about 6 hours and can't fall asleep again. It's like I want to just shake her and have her remember all the good things about me. I feel so stupid and that I messed up so bad. I know I'm not gay, I even saw people with the same thoughts post that one good way to tell is look at gay porn, if it doesn't do much for you then you're probably not gay. And it doesn't, not at all.
I've had all sorts of weird disturbing thoughts about everything from family members, to friends, to violent thoughts, and so forth. I know they're just thoughts and I know they aren't really any thing I want to do or who I am. I know that I'm in control. But it just hurts really really bad. Like my obsessive worrying and thinking drives me nuts sometimes. I loved this girl with all my heart, more then any other relationship I've ever been in. I thought she was perfect for me and she would often say the same to me. Even before we broke up she would tell me she'd be with me no matter what. I know I shouldnt have said alot of things that I did to scare her, but I did and I have such an overwhelming sense of guilt for what I've done. It just hurts and I feel lost as to what to do. Now that I'm single I still desire what I did before, to have a great girl in my life, and since she was everything I had been looking for, I feel a sense of hopelessness.
Thanks for anyone reading this, it feels good to get it out anonymously.
It's a really good site! Glad you like it... You'll find a lot of people who have the same feelings as you.