elana_d84
New member
I can honestly say that I am someone that has 100% overcome social phobia and i don't really know if i will be of any help, but i'd really like to give you some advice on defeating this crippling problem.
My social phobia really kicked in at the age of 12, I'd lived in Turkey and had a very happy childhood until the age of 10 and then my parents got divorced and we moved to Scotland with my mother. When I began school it was a complete culture shock, I'd always been a vivacious talkative child but despite my efforts i was rejected by most of the other children because i looked different and unusual due to my dark colouring and strange accent. Nevertheless, i managed to make a few good friends and although we were refered to as the weirdo's or the nerds by the other little kiddies, i was happy. When i was 12 i won a scholarship to a posh, private English boarding school and when i began there it was like entering an alien world. The other rich kids there were super confident, super sporty and looked 12, where as my confidence had taken a knocking at the Scottish elementary school and the thing that set me apart most from the other kids was that i already had a woman's figure, with size C breasts, i was 5'6 (AND I WAS 12!!) and most importantly i was of colour, the only kid in the whole school that was not lily-white. I don't think racism was an issue, i don't think the other kids disliked me because of my colour, if i had been, for example black but had adjusted to British culture and spoke with a British accent i think i would have been accepted, but I didn't, I was just too foreign and strange. They were reading Enid Blyton and I was reading Charles Dickens, they were into sports and cheesy pop music and i was only intro swimming and listened to jazz. I looked wrong and everything I did was wrong. I tried to talk to them but i think i was too much of a smarty pants, i was much too philosophical and dreamy, even though i hid my real personality and opinions and tried to pretend i was boyband obsessed and liked the Spice girls, i think they could tell I was a fake. So i decided the best thing to do was to stop trying and shut up. And I really did shut up, all through high school from the ages of 12 to 17, I did not talk, i was like a mute. I could talk to grown ups but people my own age? I was clueless, i could not make any kind of conversation. Thank god, i finished school early because I'd been moved up a year because of my grades and once i finished school, I had options. I didn't go to college, i thought it would be like school and the same social problems would resurface so I bummed around for a year. I met some 27 year old African guy in a coffee shop and for the first time in 6 years, i felt at ease, i could talk about anything and not feel self conscious. We hit it off immediately and began dating, i met other people from Africa and soon i had a group of friends for the first time since childhood. But I still could not socialise with Scottish people, i was terrified of getting into a situation where i would have to make conversation with Scottish people, so I stuck to foreign people and I was fine. I had a very small world but I was happy. But when i was alone, walking down the street or something i would feel extremely self conscious and ugly, i would feel like people were constantly staring at me and i used to always get panic attacks. I felt UGLY, INADEQUATE and HUMILIATED because i hated myself, i hated everything about myself, my personality the way i looked, EVERYTHING. Then, when i was 19 I moved to South Africa for a year to go to university over there and it was high school all over again, people were friendly but it was all priveleged white kids, overconfident and arrogant (in my diluded perception) and better than me. I could talk to non-white people fine, because they were outsiders, like me (even though in South Africa I was considered white, I didn't act white) and i didn't feel inadequate. But the majority of people were white at the university and again i was the social reject, people would invite me out to parties and always made an effort to befriend me but i'd avoid these situations and not go to these parties because i was convinced that i'd get tongue tied and awkward and end up making a complete fool out of myself and blow the cover on who i really was, a complete idiot. But I didn't want them to know i felt inferior so everyday i'd wake up, dress up in designer clothes, cover my face in make up and walk around like i owned the place and be aloof, cool and unfriendly because i thought that if they thought i was a stuck up bitch it would be better than them thinking i was an inadequate geek. Inside I was dying, i was so self conscious, i'd have panic attacks everytime i prepared to leave the house, my hands would get clammy and i'd tremble but then i'd get ready for my big act and go out there acting like a complete bitch.
When i returned to Scotland at the age of 20, i was filled with the most intense self loathing, i couldn't stand myself, all my friends had moved away and i was all alone and i couldn't stop thinking about what a pathetic, useless person i was. Two months later I had a nervous breakdown with psychotic symptoms and i ended up in a mental hospital for two months. It was like a nightmare, everything, the past came flooding back, every deep seated insecurity surfaced and i fought it, but eventually i stopped fighting and began to face it, i faced everything i hated about myself, every little insecurity and every huge insecurity and i accepted myself for what i was. This is what i can tell you, when someone points out a mistake you have or you think about how much you hate yourself, don't push it away, FACE IT, DEAL WITH IT. Because all phobias stem from some deep seated problem. DON'T GET DEFENSIVE, ACCEPT YOUR FLAWS AND EITHER CORRECT THEM OR IF THEY ARE A PART OF YOUR PERSONALITY LEARN TO LOVE THEM. And when you are having a conversation with someone, don't think about how they are viewing you, don't mentally watch yourself andf think what a fool you are, stop torturing yourself with constant self examination, realise that person doesn't know you, they're not immediately going to judge you and think you're an idiot but if you're in front of them, trying to make conversation and all the time thinking, I'm fucking it up, I'm fucking it up, you will fuck it up.....RELAX AND STOP PICTURING YOURSELF, STOP LISTENING TO YOURSELF, JUST LET THE WORDS FLOW. ALL YOUR FLAWS ARE WHAT MAKES YOUR PERSONALITY INTERESTING, OKAY??!!! YOU EVER HEARD THE EXPRESSION FLAWLESS TO A FLAW? NO ONE IS PERFECT, YOU ARE NOT PERFECT, SO DON'T TRY TO BE PERFECT, DON'T PUT ON FALSE PERSONALITIES TO HIDE YOUR TRUE SELF, JUST BE YOURSELF, RELAX AND LET THE WORDS FLOW, DON'T THINK, NO NO WHAT I'M THINKING IS STUPID, DON'T THINK ABOUT EVERYTHING YOU'RE GOING TO SAY, JUST SAY THE FIRST THING THAT COMES TO YOUR MIND, LET THE OTHER PERSON SEE YOU FOR WHO YOU ARE, AND TRUST ME THEY WILL LIKE YOU. Because I've realised the best qualities you can have as a person is to be caring and have a good heart and that is what people judge, that is what really counts, no noe's going to give a shit if you're slightly 'geeky' or 'weird' as long as you're not creepy or too intense they will like you because you are nice.
In a social situation NEVER be needy, NEVER be sleazy (if you're a guy and you've just met a girl, DO NOT mention ANYTHING sexual), and don't be too intense. Just chill out and talk about your interests and your thoughts. AND people LOVE to talk about themselves so ASK A LOT OF QUESTIONS and when they're answering show that you're genuinely interested and make encouraging face expressions or the occasional encouraging phrase to show you find them or whatever interesting. And if you don't find them interesting, pretend. Treat people the way you'd want to be treated. Don't think, is this person going to think i'm a geek, think how would i want this person to treat me and apply it to them. STOP WORRYING, YOU ARE FABULOUS!!!
YOU ARE NOT UGLY, YOU ARE NOT STUPID, YOU ARE NOT FAT, YOU ARE NOT A GEEK, YOU ARE NOT INADEQUATE, YOU ARE YOU!! AND THERE IS NO OTHER YOU!! LEARN TO VALUE YOURSELF. HOW CAN YOU NOT BE INTERESTING? YOU ARE THE ONLY YOU IN THE WORLD, THERE IS NO OTHER YOU!! YOU ARE UNIQUE!! AND SPECIAL!! TELL YOURSELF THAT EVERYDAY. And most importantly, really really try to think about all your insecurities, even the tiny weeny ones, write them all down and think, why, why are you punishing yourself, is there any point? Face them ALL, correct your flaws and learn to live with the ones that are your actual personality, make them a commodity.
I really hope I've been of some help or at least given you some hope.
I really wish the best for you all and I hope you all find happiness because REALLY, LIFE IS TOO SHORT, ENJOY IT BECAUSE BEFORE YOU KNOW YOU'LL BE OLD AND YOU'LL LOOK BACK ON YOUR YOUTH AND HAVE NO HAPPY MEMORIES. BUT IF YOU LEARN TO LOVE YOURSELF AND LOVE LIFE, LIFE WILL OVE YOU AND SHOW YOU A GOOD TIME AND YOU'LL BE OLD AND LOOK BACK ON YOUR YOUTH AND SMILE AT THE GOOD OLD DAYS. LIFE IS YOUR BIGGEST GIFT, ITS THERE TO LIVE SO LIVE IT AND ENJOY IT TO THE FULL. And never hurt anyones feelings. Have a good heart, be honest and be nice. And find peace in yourself. As I said before, you are unique, value that and value yourself. Unique and precious, because precious stones are precious because they're rare and there's only one of you so you're one the most precious gems. But always be a good person, or at least always try.
Lots of love, hugs and air kisses - Elana d.
My social phobia really kicked in at the age of 12, I'd lived in Turkey and had a very happy childhood until the age of 10 and then my parents got divorced and we moved to Scotland with my mother. When I began school it was a complete culture shock, I'd always been a vivacious talkative child but despite my efforts i was rejected by most of the other children because i looked different and unusual due to my dark colouring and strange accent. Nevertheless, i managed to make a few good friends and although we were refered to as the weirdo's or the nerds by the other little kiddies, i was happy. When i was 12 i won a scholarship to a posh, private English boarding school and when i began there it was like entering an alien world. The other rich kids there were super confident, super sporty and looked 12, where as my confidence had taken a knocking at the Scottish elementary school and the thing that set me apart most from the other kids was that i already had a woman's figure, with size C breasts, i was 5'6 (AND I WAS 12!!) and most importantly i was of colour, the only kid in the whole school that was not lily-white. I don't think racism was an issue, i don't think the other kids disliked me because of my colour, if i had been, for example black but had adjusted to British culture and spoke with a British accent i think i would have been accepted, but I didn't, I was just too foreign and strange. They were reading Enid Blyton and I was reading Charles Dickens, they were into sports and cheesy pop music and i was only intro swimming and listened to jazz. I looked wrong and everything I did was wrong. I tried to talk to them but i think i was too much of a smarty pants, i was much too philosophical and dreamy, even though i hid my real personality and opinions and tried to pretend i was boyband obsessed and liked the Spice girls, i think they could tell I was a fake. So i decided the best thing to do was to stop trying and shut up. And I really did shut up, all through high school from the ages of 12 to 17, I did not talk, i was like a mute. I could talk to grown ups but people my own age? I was clueless, i could not make any kind of conversation. Thank god, i finished school early because I'd been moved up a year because of my grades and once i finished school, I had options. I didn't go to college, i thought it would be like school and the same social problems would resurface so I bummed around for a year. I met some 27 year old African guy in a coffee shop and for the first time in 6 years, i felt at ease, i could talk about anything and not feel self conscious. We hit it off immediately and began dating, i met other people from Africa and soon i had a group of friends for the first time since childhood. But I still could not socialise with Scottish people, i was terrified of getting into a situation where i would have to make conversation with Scottish people, so I stuck to foreign people and I was fine. I had a very small world but I was happy. But when i was alone, walking down the street or something i would feel extremely self conscious and ugly, i would feel like people were constantly staring at me and i used to always get panic attacks. I felt UGLY, INADEQUATE and HUMILIATED because i hated myself, i hated everything about myself, my personality the way i looked, EVERYTHING. Then, when i was 19 I moved to South Africa for a year to go to university over there and it was high school all over again, people were friendly but it was all priveleged white kids, overconfident and arrogant (in my diluded perception) and better than me. I could talk to non-white people fine, because they were outsiders, like me (even though in South Africa I was considered white, I didn't act white) and i didn't feel inadequate. But the majority of people were white at the university and again i was the social reject, people would invite me out to parties and always made an effort to befriend me but i'd avoid these situations and not go to these parties because i was convinced that i'd get tongue tied and awkward and end up making a complete fool out of myself and blow the cover on who i really was, a complete idiot. But I didn't want them to know i felt inferior so everyday i'd wake up, dress up in designer clothes, cover my face in make up and walk around like i owned the place and be aloof, cool and unfriendly because i thought that if they thought i was a stuck up bitch it would be better than them thinking i was an inadequate geek. Inside I was dying, i was so self conscious, i'd have panic attacks everytime i prepared to leave the house, my hands would get clammy and i'd tremble but then i'd get ready for my big act and go out there acting like a complete bitch.
When i returned to Scotland at the age of 20, i was filled with the most intense self loathing, i couldn't stand myself, all my friends had moved away and i was all alone and i couldn't stop thinking about what a pathetic, useless person i was. Two months later I had a nervous breakdown with psychotic symptoms and i ended up in a mental hospital for two months. It was like a nightmare, everything, the past came flooding back, every deep seated insecurity surfaced and i fought it, but eventually i stopped fighting and began to face it, i faced everything i hated about myself, every little insecurity and every huge insecurity and i accepted myself for what i was. This is what i can tell you, when someone points out a mistake you have or you think about how much you hate yourself, don't push it away, FACE IT, DEAL WITH IT. Because all phobias stem from some deep seated problem. DON'T GET DEFENSIVE, ACCEPT YOUR FLAWS AND EITHER CORRECT THEM OR IF THEY ARE A PART OF YOUR PERSONALITY LEARN TO LOVE THEM. And when you are having a conversation with someone, don't think about how they are viewing you, don't mentally watch yourself andf think what a fool you are, stop torturing yourself with constant self examination, realise that person doesn't know you, they're not immediately going to judge you and think you're an idiot but if you're in front of them, trying to make conversation and all the time thinking, I'm fucking it up, I'm fucking it up, you will fuck it up.....RELAX AND STOP PICTURING YOURSELF, STOP LISTENING TO YOURSELF, JUST LET THE WORDS FLOW. ALL YOUR FLAWS ARE WHAT MAKES YOUR PERSONALITY INTERESTING, OKAY??!!! YOU EVER HEARD THE EXPRESSION FLAWLESS TO A FLAW? NO ONE IS PERFECT, YOU ARE NOT PERFECT, SO DON'T TRY TO BE PERFECT, DON'T PUT ON FALSE PERSONALITIES TO HIDE YOUR TRUE SELF, JUST BE YOURSELF, RELAX AND LET THE WORDS FLOW, DON'T THINK, NO NO WHAT I'M THINKING IS STUPID, DON'T THINK ABOUT EVERYTHING YOU'RE GOING TO SAY, JUST SAY THE FIRST THING THAT COMES TO YOUR MIND, LET THE OTHER PERSON SEE YOU FOR WHO YOU ARE, AND TRUST ME THEY WILL LIKE YOU. Because I've realised the best qualities you can have as a person is to be caring and have a good heart and that is what people judge, that is what really counts, no noe's going to give a shit if you're slightly 'geeky' or 'weird' as long as you're not creepy or too intense they will like you because you are nice.
In a social situation NEVER be needy, NEVER be sleazy (if you're a guy and you've just met a girl, DO NOT mention ANYTHING sexual), and don't be too intense. Just chill out and talk about your interests and your thoughts. AND people LOVE to talk about themselves so ASK A LOT OF QUESTIONS and when they're answering show that you're genuinely interested and make encouraging face expressions or the occasional encouraging phrase to show you find them or whatever interesting. And if you don't find them interesting, pretend. Treat people the way you'd want to be treated. Don't think, is this person going to think i'm a geek, think how would i want this person to treat me and apply it to them. STOP WORRYING, YOU ARE FABULOUS!!!
YOU ARE NOT UGLY, YOU ARE NOT STUPID, YOU ARE NOT FAT, YOU ARE NOT A GEEK, YOU ARE NOT INADEQUATE, YOU ARE YOU!! AND THERE IS NO OTHER YOU!! LEARN TO VALUE YOURSELF. HOW CAN YOU NOT BE INTERESTING? YOU ARE THE ONLY YOU IN THE WORLD, THERE IS NO OTHER YOU!! YOU ARE UNIQUE!! AND SPECIAL!! TELL YOURSELF THAT EVERYDAY. And most importantly, really really try to think about all your insecurities, even the tiny weeny ones, write them all down and think, why, why are you punishing yourself, is there any point? Face them ALL, correct your flaws and learn to live with the ones that are your actual personality, make them a commodity.I really hope I've been of some help or at least given you some hope.
I really wish the best for you all and I hope you all find happiness because REALLY, LIFE IS TOO SHORT, ENJOY IT BECAUSE BEFORE YOU KNOW YOU'LL BE OLD AND YOU'LL LOOK BACK ON YOUR YOUTH AND HAVE NO HAPPY MEMORIES. BUT IF YOU LEARN TO LOVE YOURSELF AND LOVE LIFE, LIFE WILL OVE YOU AND SHOW YOU A GOOD TIME AND YOU'LL BE OLD AND LOOK BACK ON YOUR YOUTH AND SMILE AT THE GOOD OLD DAYS. LIFE IS YOUR BIGGEST GIFT, ITS THERE TO LIVE SO LIVE IT AND ENJOY IT TO THE FULL. And never hurt anyones feelings. Have a good heart, be honest and be nice. And find peace in yourself. As I said before, you are unique, value that and value yourself. Unique and precious, because precious stones are precious because they're rare and there's only one of you so you're one the most precious gems. But always be a good person, or at least always try.
Lots of love, hugs and air kisses - Elana d.
